IN A GOTHIC-REVIVAL 

WEDDING CHAPEL

These halls remember many lives,

echo the faithful streams of prayer,

the vows of lovers newly wed,

the last obsequies of the dead,

patinaed traces of golden years,

enshrine a dry, mouldering drear,

memorials to the beloved and dear,

are the ghosts of long-forgotten tears,

today each stone was whisper-less,

enclosing an expectant air,

like the breath-hold ere a kiss,

relieves love of emptiness,

sweet passion was the song,

in the vows of two gentlemen,

as a stained-glass promise it was oath’ed,

when, (etched in adamant), they were betrothed…

 FIN

BIGDADDY BLUES

WHEN LOVE GOES AWRY: (Who Judges Our Fate)

WHEN LOVE GOES AWRY

Is there forgiveness for mistakes we’ve made,

in the clear but innocent ink of guilt,

or clemency for hearts captively condemned,

to a doorless prison happenstance has built,

is there re-alignment for love that has derailed,

insurance for lovers who have failed,

which extended-warranty covers romance that has died,

what judge determines amnesty when love goes awry…

                    FIN

               BIGDADDY BLUES

YOUR MOVE: A POETIC CHALLENGE TO LOVE!

YOUR MOVE!

Each time I've championed our success,

I led the quest; you followed,

But that is half a victory,

My trophy, wreath of laurels,

Leaves no votive on your head.

.....Your move…

Each time I’ve cleared a way for you,

But never knew, your troubles,

My love has let your heart forget,

It’s wit, though courtesy,

May vouchsafe it isn't dead.

.....Your move…

                        FIN

                 

                 BIGDADDY BLUES

THE CALLING CARD FOR A GENTLEMAN'S LOVE AND LAMENTATION

A VICTORIAN GENTLEMAN'S CALLING CARD

ENAMORED OF HIS KISS…

When his lips left mine,

they would be the first I ever missed,

and when his train was lost to view,

i knew, I was enamored of his kiss,

when his call rang-in,

i knew then, my heart could ache,

and that his voice would be my air,

for there was no alternative to take,

when he broke my heart,

i took so many years to mend,

but I still deeply loved that man,

and planned, to cultivate our love again,

when he calls my name,

it is not the same as it was before,

clearly something has been lost,

that is the cost of having closed the door,

when his lips touch mine,

they may no longer be the ones I’ve missed,

and there is no certainty,

that i will be enamored of his kiss…

fin

BY BIGDADDY BLUES

A VICTORIAN GENTLEMAN'S CALLING CARD

VICTORIAN GENTLEMAN'S CALLING CARD

VICTORIAN CALLING CARD

OSCAR WILDE'S CALLING CARD

Harassment For Pictures On Internet Dating Sites

IS THERE A CURE FOR “PIC-HOUNDS”

There are many reasons why men go to virtual dating sites; some are looking for love, others are looking for sex, there are those who simply desire to have conversation while some are simply bored having no objective other than the passing of surplus time.  There is another breed of men whose primary mission is the collection of photographic images of other people; I have always referenced these men as “Pic-Hounds”.   Whether or not the label I crafted to identify this population of online image foragers is legitimate or not is in fact not the primary topic of this discussion rather it is whether their habit, passion or obsession with the collection of the images of others is a problem that requires a cure or merely another common dynamic of human character.   The scales may tip in either direction; some argue that virtual dating and social media is a highly visual milieu and that pictures are essential to make up for what the displacements of time, distance and opportunity cannot afford.  Others argue that they have a right to maintain a visually anonymity online and that providing the basics in writing, which may include their physical attributes, likes and dislikes and other personal data should be sufficient to carry an initial conversation that may find a vibe for further exploration perhaps even offline. 

If only those irritating Pic-Hounds could just read or use common sense, right?  How dare them demand photographs of anyone in an impersonal, online context, especially photographs of a more private nature, what gives them the right especially if the person they are conversing with clearly does not have any posted for public view.  Well I am not wholly sure there is anything wrong with asking for pictures at all, there is certainly no harm in anyone wanting to see the person they are engaging in a virtual conversation, especially after the conversation has moved from a casual introduction to a more elevated form of communication.  At some point it is only natural for a person to want to verify if the the physical attributes advertised on another person’s profile are legitimate, right?  Well, there are always at least two sides to every story and who says that good sense is common anyway? Personally I do not think it has anything to do with common sense at all, rather, it has everything to do with the fact that these men whom we romantically call “Pic-Hounds” do clearly have a fetish of some kind for photographs of attractive people in general which may be expressed in any number of variations from pornography, muscle shots or just face and body images; every fetish serves a different desire.  There is certainly no harm in having a picture fetish as long as the images are socially ethical and by this I mean that the pictures are not child pornography or some other clearly socially aberrant genre of imaging.  It is when the Pic-Hounds begin to aggressively harass the objects of their desire that the problems begin, that is the clear threshold when they officially graduate from just another virtual beau to a dyed-in-the-wool “Pic-Hound”.  Some of my readers have mentioned their online acquaintances have demanded pictures of genitalia or of their derriere as a first form of communication.  Others have shared that they receive random demands for pictures long after they have declined them prompting them to block the requestor as a permanent solution to being hounded.  This begs the most obvious question, “What drives a Pic-Hound”?

So far I have not opined on the innate, nature of the Pic-hound or disclosed his innermost passions and obsessions.  I am however equipped  to access the home of the Pic-Hounds passion in the same way I am capable of relating to the way any man is driven to pursue something he craves or which brings him great pleasure whether or not it is erotic or sensual in nature.  For example, the way men crave money and power is not so very different from the way they crave sex and therefore similar to the way they crave photos of attractive people; a passion is a passion.  One might even go further to classify Pic-Hounds as “Collectors or Connoisseurs’”.  Collectors and connoisseurs are persistent and tenacious when it comes to the procurement of the things they most admire and so it goes with our Pic-Hounds which I can easily classify with our automobile, cigar, art, wine or antiques collectors.  I noticed this trend whilst visiting an associate of mine and spying their computer screen saver which was literally burgeoning with an inexorable pageant consisting of images of bodies, bodies, bodies, none of whom they actually knew but of course  that was not the point …  At that instant I realized there is no difference between the good old days when a man might have posted paper pin-ups of gorgeous women in his locker at work and today when he might post virtual images of men or women whom he finds aesthetically pleasing on his home screen; technology is the only thing that has really changed.

So this brings us full circle to the burning question, “How do you take the Hound out of our “Genus-Pic-Hound””?  Is it even possible, plausible or advisable?  Doubtless, the pic hound is a virtual social media irritant to us all but we must still argue for his right to pursue his passions!  Many of us have taken our good and valuable time crafting our own online profiles even including disclaimers intended to warn Pic-Hounds not to ask us for pictures but the reality is that, that may be all we can really do!  Outside of blocking the Pic-Hound from access to our profiles we really have no viable tool for reforming his behavior.  It may not be our place to reform the Pic-Hound or teach him proper online manners.  A Pic-Hound is free to break all the rules of gentlemanly, courteous, polite, social engagement; he may ask you or I for a pic, any kind of pic.  So the way to manage the Pic-Hound is not necessarily by attempting to teach him a lesson he will more than likely never learn but rather it is to discover a gentlemanly means by which to dispense with him when he comes begging at our door.  Personally I do not think there is any real cure nor perhaps should there be. Dispense with the Pic-Hound when he begins to harass you as efficiently and decisively as you would any other pest.  My advice is not to give these pests any more energy than they deserve but as a gentleman remain polite.  The first time they beg for pictures politely advise them that you will not under any circumstances send them pictures and clearly state your rules.  If you are the kind of person who has to meet face to face let this be known and remain firm!  If the Pic-Hound ignores your good intentions and persists to harass you for pictures then he will certainly get what he deserves,

 Which could range from a polite and firm rebuttal to a blocking. 

There are some instances when it is more difficult to manage the Pic-Hound with a distant and antiseptic text or blocking as in the case when he lives with you or is in a very serious relationship with you, when he is married to you or is otherwise intimately woven into your life.  I have encountered friends who married or became intimately involved with men they later discovered to be Pic-Hounds long into the relationship.  Again, if managed and pursued in a healthy manner there should be no real threat.  A man who is enamored of and has a fetish for pictures is not a villain and a Pic-Hound is typically but not always interested in collecting  pics and not in any physical connection with the subject but always be wary of exceptions.  If you find your partner is a potential Pic-Hound you certainly should confront him and discuss it at length taking into consideration the possibility that you are not being told the entire truth behind what is often a very personal and private passion/obsession.  This intimidates many people because it brings to light a hidden dimension of a person they love and had thought they knew much better.  They fear there may be more to the secret that has been kept from them when there may be nothing to fear at all.  In many cases it is the vivid and undocumented imagination of the person who discovers their partner’s picture fetish that causes what might otherwise have been a normal relationship to crumble.  In many cases the warning signs of a picture fetish are quite evident if one’s eyes are really opened.   Because most Pic-Hounds are harmless nuisances and because men with picture fetishes are mostly just collectors of images I would approach their passion with caution but not prematurely end what may otherwise be a perfectly fine relationship without giving the matter much careful thought and opening the topic up for discussion.  Remember that you must respect the right of your partner to maintain his privacy even within the context of your relationship to keep your healthy distances from one another.  Only you know how far is too far for comfort.   

Those of you who are becoming newly acquainted with anyone who might potentially be a Pic-Hound or picture collector and have not actually developed a tactile or stable relationship should gather your common sense and search your soul about what your true objectives are.  The truth of the matter is that most Pic-Hounds are not really interested in chatting or cultivating any kind of relationship unless it involves the provision of pictures.  That is what is driving them; more and more and more and more pictures from you and anyone else they fancy.  So if you are looking for a mate to cultivate a serious long-term relationship you have to be honest about your ability to be accepting of your partner’s fetish.  You must also upon accepting it understand the potential for it to move beyond the purely figurative to manifest itself in the objective domain.   If it is not your intent to deal with this variable of the human personality spectrum my advice is to simply inform them that you are not comfortable with their fetish and quietly move on. 

There is not cure-all for the human character most assuredly because quite often there is no real flaw to be cured.  We are what we are!  Humans are prone to demonize that which they do not understand or agree with but this does not make their dislike of any particular facet of human nature legitimate and it certainly does not mean that anything is bad or evil, immoral or unethical or psychotic.  We have to learn to separate our personal values from our expectations of others who are not bound by the same set of values we hold for ourselves.  We must be tolerant even when our emotions are stronger in the other direction.  We can live under the illusion that our lives are always an example for others but reality dictates otherwise.  Nobody is bound to our core values outside ourselves and even we are free to abandon them at will.  Men may choose to ignore the lives and examples of other men or they might not even be aware they exist! Life is an inescapably complex series of judgments,  mature men understand the fundamental role of judgement in effective human socialization; personal judgement must be both passionately embraced and  objectively scrutinized so that it can be administered on a level that respects the interests of everyone.  We should be asking ourselves is there a cure for misunderstanding, bias and prejudice instead of whether there is a cure for Pic-Hounds or any other human personality trait for which we have a personal distaste…

FIN

Written by BIGDADDY BLUES

TURNING A WEAK EXCUSE INTO AN EMPOWERING MOMENT

 MEN WHO USE FAMILY AND HEALTH AS A SURROGATE LOVER 

A friend got a random call from a man he had dated 6 years ago inquiring about how his life was going.  He knew the man was genuinely interested, that his call was motivated by kindness and compassion however something very queer stuck out so very clearly to him that he was compelled to speak his mind.  After he reminded the gentleman that they had been acquainted for nearly 6 years sharing a string of hot but random sexual encounters, that he had never been invited to the gentleman’s home because his mother and siblings lived there and that he had been given excuses including everything from high blood pressure, living in the suburbs, to family issues, he offered the gentleman a solution. 

Being a compassionate and pragmatic man he reminded the gentleman that the years, months, days, hours minutes and seconds wasted could not ever be reclaimed; they were lost.  A proud man, he reminded the gentleman that as the owner of his home, health and time it was not fair, mature or convincing for him to use family and health as excuses for failing to cultivate a relationship.  He revealed his love for this gentleman but conceded that he had abandoned hope for ever building a normal relationship with him many, many years ago.  Using himself as an example of how a man in control of his own destiny might make the many sacrifices required in order to grow a relationship with someone he was able to complete his psychological transition from a man who had once entertained love to one who saw no romantic future with this gentleman.  As he declaimed his position with regard to the gentleman’s excuse for failing to galvanize their relationship it occurred to him that his words were falling upon deaf ears.  So he concluded the conversation realizing the magnitude of his love and conviction had and would never be matched by the gentleman on the other end of the phone.  At last he said quite plainly, “Do not blame your inability to cultivate a relationship with me on your family and your health, and do not use this excuse as a leverage to inquire about my personal life; know that I have moved on and that a gentleman does not provide details about his private affairs.  To answer your question directly, yes I do get it in but not nearly as much as when we first met because my libido is more quality driven now,” and that was all he had to say. 

He asked me if his reply sounded too much like a sermon and I assured him that whether or not it did there was clearly some need for a sermon in order to inspire that gentleman to confront issues that appear to have bought his life to a grinding halt over 6 years ago and seemingly long before they met.  When asked if I thought the gentleman would ever change I answered no, I thought it likely that his pattern of denial would only manifest in many other unwieldy ways and that once he began to separate the issues from the man there would be precious little left to love but a undeveloped and selfish shell.  Doubtless that man’s compassion was great having taken his mother and siblings in at the expense of his own privacy and freedom but there comes a time in a man’s life when he must prioritize his personal development, expanding his nuclear family to include someone with whom he can be intimate and form a lasting companionship with.  It is clear that he has not chosen you or anyone else but his family to form this bond, otherwise he should have done the things a man does when he wishes to spend his life with another person; that does not include putting you on hold for 6 years.  What could he possibly be waiting for? He knows his Caribbean family will never accept his homosexuality and he cannot even cultivate a functional D.L. relationship with any consistency therefore it is quite clear he is using his molecular family as a surrogate for a lover and companion of his own choice.  What husbandly devotion he might afford to you has already been invested in his mother and his siblings, leaving you out in the cold for the past 6 years.  How and also why does a man who lives less than twenty minutes from your doorstep randomly call after not having called in months to tell you he cares about and misses you?  The evidence leaves a wildly quixotic trail of inconsistency. 

I finally advised my dear friend that he had done a good thing confronting an issue that has haunted him for over 6 years.  He knew that he could easily love that gentleman and was always ready to make whatever investment was required but he also had the wisdom to hold back because he knew the man he loved was holding back from the relationship and that, his resistance would never end…

fin.

WRITTEN BY BIGDADDY BLUES

LUCK-VOODOO BLUES (Blues Lyrics)

What’s the matter with love,

It doesn’t seem to know my name,

But I know love, it’s an all too familiar game,

It’s something deep in my heart,

That I desperately want to claim,

What’s the matter with love,

It doesn’t seem to know my name,

And yet I’ve known it form many years,

Hoping that it would find me and stay,

Each time it’s never quite the same,

It’s a chance two people take,

Or an opportunity they miss,

Either way, it’s never the same,

What’s the matter with love,

Or is it me that is to blame,

I’ve been in love a thousand times,

Only to be left alone again,

Wondering if love is worth the pain,

It’s a chance I chose to take,

an opportunity I threw away,

Knowing I might be left alone,

To ask love why it let me stray…

Written By BIGDADDY BLUES