IT WAS SOMETHING IN THE WAY YOU LOVED

THE WAY YOU LOVED…

i was certain the first time we met,

that if I opened up there would be no reason for regret,

what was honest I had no reason to suspect,

it was something in the way you loved,

i was eager to fathom your soul,

bold as a boundless force there could be no power to control,

in its promise there burned a mystery so feint,

it lay hidden in the way you loved,

time has weathered my patience for you,

true at this very time there would be no reason to renew,

but I’ve questioned just how much longer I could wait,

for something in the way you loved…

fin

Written By BIGDADDY BLUES

EXPLORING SEXUAL THERAPY IN REVENGE: BALANCING THE EQUATION OF SEXUAL FREEDOM AFTER BETRAYAL

An ancient Chinese Phallic Tool (Jadeite)

REVENGE-SEX THERAPY: Just How Sweet 

Can It Be?

I know that it sounds petty for a person to cheat on their lover for the simple reason that their lover has cheated on them but when viewed through a more liberal lens it may be that cheating-revenge sex can actually be an effective therapeutic technique for managing the stress created by a cheating lover or spouse.   Reconciling a sexual breach within a sexually committed relationship is a complex undertaking that quite honestly just has never been effectively achieved within the rules of mainstream therapy.  I believe  it is purely possible for many established therapeutic and psychiatric techniques to be too civilized to ever be effective! 

An Ancient Chinese Two-Way Phallic Tool

After all, sex is a primal, instinctual thing that begins to lose much of its luster once it begins to become overly intellectualized.  Within a relationship sex acts as a critical balancing force of gratification.  No longer free to play the field, sexual partners must turn to one other in order to provide sufficient sexual energy to drive their respective libido’s.  This makes understanding your partner’s libido and being able to deliver the sexual gratification they need to function smoothly a crucial survival skill that is more than often grossly underdeveloped and under attended.  Small wonder then why so many committed relationships which are otherwise functional in every other respect end up having to manage the dysfunction of cheating.

Ancient Chinese Phallic Tool

Let’s just be realistic about the whole thing, monogamy is a huge sacrifice that none of us is forced to make or take seriously if not only because we are free to choose, to live and to act as we desire.  Every human being cherishes their sexual freedom and undoubtedly relinquishes it grudgingly, cautiously and therefore legally within the constraints of a marriage contract or some other facsimile that suits their situation! Many people believe that monogamy is an unnatural overlay of human instinct acting in direct contradiction to a man’s libido and potential to freely express his primal urges.   So the single qualifying factor that ultimately stays a man’s hand from opening the door to cheating on his partner is the seriousness he feels about his integrity within the commitment he has made.  His commitment and ability to remain faithful says in clear words, ‘I honestly value sex with my partner above anyone else”.  Likewise, the mutual agreement people make when they decide to become sexually exclusive says, "As long as we are both sexually and/or emotionally viable do not cheat me from my right to enjoy my sexual/emotional freedom while you enjoy yours!"

18th Century Chinese Phallic Tool

While we are being honest about sex lets contemplate the unmentionable, the unthinkable but unfortunately unavoidable prospect of sexual betrayal.   Because we go through such pains to negotiate what appears to be a fair and mutual agreement of sexual fidelity when our partner breaches this trust without consulting us it rings the very bell of doom! Anger is the single emotion that usually fills the void left by infidelity.  In the aftermath of cheating a relationship undergoes a complete reconfiguration if it survives at all.  All at once everything must be re-negotiated as if both parties are free-agents again.  They might come back to the negotiation table but almost certainly not under the same terms giving rise to the saying that “Certain kinds of trusts once breached should never be entertained again having proved themselves unreliable.”  I have always thought it a waste to break-up an otherwise good companionship over infidelity alone, that it was wise to break away from monogamy or even discontinue sex with one another completely focusing on and moving forward with the enrichment of a fine and successful companionship cultivated over many long years.  But that is a very rational and civilized solution which in most cases is far too reasonable to survive the anger, denial, fear and frustration in full froth at the time that infidelity is first revealed.   

Ancient Asian Phallic Tool

Given the intensely instinctual nature of cheating it is no small wonder that most conventional clinical methods of managing this phenomenon are utterly ineffective because their foundation rests on the naïve premise that somehow the human libido can be suppressed in a healthy manner.  We know the opposite is typically true, that once explored the prospect of sex outside of a relationship only begins to grow and grow far greater in the consciousness like a caged animal bent on escape! Standard clinical methodology focuses on preventing future sexual infidelity when it should perhaps begin to explore a broader indulgence of extramarital sexual activity especially to be applied in the healing of the partner who has been betrayed as a form of “Sexual-Revenge cheating” that I call “REVENGE-SEX THERAPY”! When someone discovers they have been cheated on the first thing they realize is how many sexual offers they have turned down when they might have experienced a far more fulfilling sex life.  As petty as it may seem the betrayed almost needs to have a series of casual sexual encounters with strangers in order to bring the tally up to balance.  At best it bodes to be an inexact science because while it may take one may 10 encounters to feel as if he has avenged his lover it may only take another man 1 or none at all.  Trying to set a number would obviously be too arbitrary to be an effective measurement of therapeutic benefit.  The best rule of thumb when employing the technique of sexual revenge cheating would be to just continue having sex with men other than your partner until you finally felt avenged.  As dark as it may seem to admit this, the technique of sexual revenge cheating works best when your partner is not aware that you are cheating back on them, it provides the comfort and edginess, the risk and shadiness which are all critical ingredients for an effective feeling of accomplishment in revenge…

Ancient Asian Phallic Tool

Sexual revenge cheating is usually only amounts to empty sex but physically and psychologically may help distance a person from the hurt of a sexual betrayal and used as such it is actually a good tool for emotional recovery.  Having used this method in the past I found that the more revenge sex I had the easier it was to dissolve my anger at losing out on all the "Good Sex" I had turned down in order to be faithful to an unfaithful partner.  Sometimes I might need to have sex with one or five people before I felt I had evened the score! Petty isn't it? But life is often quite petty and sometimes we truly have to do what we have to do in order to best cope with situations that catch us at unawares and hit us like a brick wall.

 

American Phallic Tool Late 1800's

It is my belief that the technique of post-infidelity recovery I have coined as ”REVENGE-SEX THERAPY” which is the plain and simple practice of applied “Sexual-Revenge Cheating” actually is not cheating at all; it really is all about evening the score, healing the soul, balancing the equation and expressing ones sexual freedom!  Sexual freedom is a huge concept.  It is possible to achieve sexual freedom within the context of a monogamous relationship but that freedom is always going to be based on a balance maintained by both partners.  When two people achieve sexual freedom of expression as a unit it means they completely understand one another sexually becoming an outlet for mutual sexual expression. But when one party holds back expanding their sexual exploration outside of the union the equation is unbalanced.  It’s not just about the cheater making certain that he fulfills his obligation to satisfy his partners sexual needs it is about the fact that he has introduced another variable into the equation affording him freedoms denied to his equal partner!  In my opinion the first act of cheating renders any covenant of sexual fidelity invalid freeing up the other partner to do as he desires without fear of being penalized for breaking a contract that has already been broken. 

Chinese Phallic Tool (Ivory) 1700's

It is an easy enough thing to gallivant on a lusty adventure of sexual-revenge cheating but there comes a time when the frolics must end and both mature adults need to address the reason why it was all necessary.  For the betrayed the real problem occurs after they have evened up the score suddenly realizing they have options and the person they were devoted to seems less like the prize they once imagined them to be.  They begin to reshape their esteem of their cheating partner rethinking the foundation of their commitment. What they may see before them is an exit route from a situation that has shattered to the point of no return.  That is the real risk of embarking upon revenge sex therapy. 

Antique Phallic Tool

Commitment is about a mutual respect, it is a complex balancing act that requires the constant maintenance of two fully operative individuals.  When that critical balance goes awry it is time to put your heads together in order to understand just what happened!  The answer could be an easy fix or it could be a total dump... in any event revenge sex will ultimately have a myriad of outcomes; for example, if the revenge sex was good it will remind you that your partner is not the best sexual match but he might have been a good emotional match, it it is bad it will remind you that sex is not the primary component of a relationship and will cause you to question the emotional commitment of your partner. Where you take it after that point is a matter of personal judgment.  In my own experience it usually has a neutralizing effect foreshadowing the end of the relationship and the beginning of a new platonic one.  There may be an interim phase established with an understanding of openness to seek sexual and emotional gratification outside of each other... at least until something unexpected happens pushing us in new direction or into opposite ones.  

Vibrator 1950's

The point of the matter is not to fail after your partner has cheated because you failed to explore a new dynamic that might suit the evolution of your relationship expanding it to an open relationship.  Furthermore, you should consider having sex with other partners outside of your relationship as a means of healing the deep wounds of betrayal and most effectively without their knowledge.  Before you embark on such a lusty journey you should certainly be absolutely sure your partner has actually cheated and that it is not purely a construct of your vivid imagination!  Never discount the effectiveness of non-traditional clinical methods for managing infidelity especially since statistically it is quite obvious these traditional methods do not work and have never been challenged for obvious legal and social reasons.  Open your mind to the possibility that “REVENGE-SEX THERAPY” applied through the implementation of managed “Sexual-Revenge Cheating” can heal the potentially devastating effects of sexual betrayal and may actually help in the natural evolution of an otherwise stable companionship into a new and open relationship style…

Antique French Sex Chaise 1700's

FIN

Written By: BIGDADDY BLUES

SESSIONS OF ATTEMPTED LOVE

sessions…

each time i made what i hoped was love i'd trust

it was a sign of progression,

now this accounts for how earnestly i tried,

for my patient disappointment with uncovered lies,

for the mixed accomplishment and loneliness i'd hide,

beneath an humility that fortified my pride,

but each time i made what i thought was love it was just 
another erotic session…

By Bigdaddy Blues

ALL IN: A LOVE GAME

ALL IN

Your presence moved me to a schoolboy crush,

holding cards that opened into a royal flush,

your lips raised stakes even the dealer missed,

it all played out in a quick and dirty hush,

Your aces turned out to be full of game,

the other players hands were full of blame,

they’d hold out for as long as they could fold,

until you swallowed them up in shame,

with me, the stakes soared higher than they had ever been,

you’d raise them and I’d elevate the game again,

the spark or its annuity has set a different course,

leaving only one way to go and so I am all in….

By Bigdaddy Blues

ABOUT YOU: WHERE I BELONG...

ABOUT YOU

Love was never funny before I laughed with you,

before you, silence had never been a song,

beside you life is so full I’ve so much left over f rom you,

without you, it is so clear to see where I belong…

BIGDADDY BLUES

A NEW BREED OF MEN UNCOVERED

Michael Sam Breaking The Sexual Stereotypes Of  Pro-Football

THE AWAKENING OF A NEW BREED OF GAY MEN…

If I had a date for every time another man told me he was afraid to hit on me because he didn’t think I was gay I’d probably have a date for a change… Whenever I hear this, and I hear it quite frequently, it begs the following questions:

1.    Really? You mean to tell me that you have waited how many years to finally approach me?

2.    What in the world did you miss when it became quite clear that we were flirting with one another? Did you think I was a straight man who just liked to flirt with gay men?

So I wondered if the answer could be that these men suffered from low self-esteem and just needed more convincing on my part, was it that they totally missed the fact that I was flirting with them or could it have been they were just flirting themselves and were not truly serious about connecting at all.  I wondered if they were afraid of rejection or that I would be insulted and call them out in public as a homosexual.  But the underlying reality, I feared, was that it was a combination of all of these and more… these men could have been ashamed of their own sexuality, and I said, “Could have been”, whether because of religion or some notion of cultural inappropriateness.  What I had stumbled upon may have been the naked truth that they had allowed their fear of how others might perceive them to blind them and prevent them from finding happiness… as the concept overtook me its gravity pulled me down to a bleak, lonely place where men allowed their fears to strip them of their manhood leaving them to lurk cautiously in the shadows.  This was not a place I knew or desired to stay and I understood straightway that any person who populated that hopeless dungeon of human existence could never be a man in the sense that I respected and therefore could never command the attention of my heart… I pitied such men but my inner humanitarian wanted to reach out and pull each and every one of them out of their self-excavated pit.  I checked my vanity at the door of this revelation hoping to gain a level perspective that did not put me in a better place than these men who were no less men than I.  After all, every man struggles with his own demons and fears and none of them is really any greater or lesser than any other one… like us they are all the same… all challenges equal in mangnitude…

Like a man who finds he is a rarefied breed living and passing as just anyone else I eagerly sought out those of my kind but found that even more difficult than following my pitiable would-be suitors into the abyss.  I asked myself if there was some code or password by which men of my kind recognised one another, a gilded emblem upon the pocket square, the color and species of buttoner in my lapel?  Certainly there was a secret order of such men but I having been too undetectable was not inducted into its ranks?

Marlon Riggs, The Father Of Black Gay Male Consciousness

And then I slowly discovered how many other men there were like me.  Masculine, intelligent, loving, and frustrated men like me who did not identify with the campy gay lifestyle of Christopher Street and the Castro.  Nothing is wrong with these sacred gay traditions and make no mistake that they are our cherished history and legacy but over the past decades since Stonewall the image of what is gay has transformed itself to include a much broader range of visages, we are extraordinarily diverse!  Finally I had found my niche in "Gaydom", and there were so many men like me, we were just ordinary men, not having to wave any flag but happy to do so if need be because we held our truths in our heart accepting full ownership of our truths.  We loved being men in the traditional sense but were being persecuted and ignored because of our unwillingness to assimilate into the gay milieu by assimilating the candy-striped hallmarks of heterosexual bias!  We recognised the importance of establishing the applicable hallmarks of our own shade of gay.  We did not contest or challenge the status quo as a negative, rather we expanded its credentials to include a demographic of gay man that always existed but had not been acknowledged.  We wanted to see our ordinary faces smiling in the gay parade.   Yes, we are red-blooded, bonafide gay men by right! We too stood up for gay rights whenever we were called to do so and ungrudgingly so as stewards of the civil rights of all men.  Our inclusion in the struggle only got misconstrued and ignored because we were not as colorful or exotic as the gay man haunting the fears of everyone who closes their mind to sexual and behavioral diversity. 

Essex Hemphill Contemplated Gay Marriage Decades Before It Was Legalized.
He Is The Father Of Gay Marriage

When I finally met another gay man with a similar experience it was astounding.  How did we find one another?  Why did we not simply pass one another off as “Just another smiling straight man”? What compelled two men who had altogether given up the search to open up their eyes and “See” one another?  We were instantly bonded by virtue of our shared dilemma, misunderstood, invisible, inaccessible, and incomprehensible; we were the wild card of the gay lifestyle and the image of where it is ultimately destined.  We represent the seamless assimilation of gay men into mainstream culture absent of the apt historic lingo and facade and stripped of the subcutaneous hallmarks as well…  Within the decade we have seen gay athletes breaking sexual barriers much in the same way that Black Americans broke racial barriers.  We are all brothers here and there is certainly no love lost for our happy family of beloved gay men from all walks of life whatever they call themseleves in our fabulously diverse gay community.  But they have long enjoyed their day in the sun and now it is our time to quietly share its brilliance.  We have always been here at the front line and now we can be seen standing beside each other to validate one another.  There is no conceivable end to this slowly brewing revolution of a new breed of gay men; its dawn is so exciting that I am committed to see it rise to full daylight!  Won’t you join me?

FIN

By Bigdaddy Blues

MANAGING A MODEST FIRE FOR LOVE

A MODEST FIRE…

I’m just a simple man, managing simple fears,

Don’t want to own it all, just want a cold beer,

It’s been a tough day, could use a sweet night,

With a sexy brotha who can love me right,

His lips were thick brown, as they went way down,

It took me so high, my neighbors heard signs,

The floor went bang-bang, love is a good thang,

With a sexy brotha who can spend the night,

We woke up refreshed, inhaled the thick musk,

It excited passions we had not discussed,

Some connection deeper than our rough, brown skins,

Made us feel proud that, we were both real men,

We had found fulfillment for our burning desires,

We were the good wood; we built a modest fire,

We built a warm shed, and keep the wood dry,

So that our romantic love would never die…

Fin.

By Bigdaddy Blues