SEX AS A COMPREHENSIVE REFERENCE TOOL

SEX ON THE BRAIN…

When someone says they suffer from “Sex on the Brain” what exactly do they mean, what are they buying into?    We usually treat human sexuality on a very broad scale because the human experience is so vast… it is almost always incorrect to assess human sexuality as an absolute because like most things driven by human nature and instinct they are subject to constant change. 

Some will argue that human instinct never really changes at all with respect to sexuality.  So does this mean that horny adolescent of 15 is still bursting pimples underneath the cloak of a mature 85 year old man?  I seriously doubt it, as a matter of fact as a mature man of 52 I have notices marked changes in my own highly powered libido since the time of my teens.  What I have discovered is that while my sex drive has remained very high it has been tempered by my life’s experiences which have redefined those things I once understood to be sex when I was just beginning to learn about sex.  While still exploring my sexuality I find that I draw from a far more diverse and reliable foundation from which to classify and manage the many different types of sexual data processed by my brain.  The mature man is similarly based, he has a vast store of sexual and general life experience but due to his age he is expected to be less keyed in to his sexuality as if it should have suddenly died for some particular reason.  It has not, and should not have gone anywhere; it is a vital and important as any other aspect of his constitution and should still be explored and refined.  By the time a man reaches age 50 he is just beginning to really understand how to isolate a sex act from what it really means in human, social and philosophic terms…

One’s world view is a key factor in the way they associate sexuality with the events in their lives.   I once had a college professor in my early 20’s who in his mid-40’s alluded to sexuality as a framework for explaining nearly everything.  His technique certainly got everyone’s attention and remarkably because we were all mature adults it helped us relate to his instruction on a more intimate level.   Did this professor have sex on the brain or was he merely using a humorous but culturally relevant tool and technique to help his typically younger students understand the complex principles of 3-dimensional architectural and engineering design?  I like to think because he was far more sexually mature than his audience he found it compelling to nurture our desire to receive his sexual mentorship as a bonus while exploiting it as a hook to grab our attention.  Surprisingly no one was ever offended and it is my opinion that his highly effective teaching strategy incorporating sex and humor proved that human sexuality is far broader than most of us have ever imagined!  This mature man who obviously had sex on his brain suddenly found himself surrounded  most of his day by those who were far less sexually sophisticated than he and he used it in a positive way to help teach and entertain both the mysteries and complexities of architecture and engineering and of human sexuality.  This can be seen as a means of passive sexual expression, a conceptual, intellectual manifestation albeit a substitute for the physical consummation of sexual desire.  Mature men who discover they are experts on human sexuality can use their expertise to help others and to further explore their theories on sexuality taking them to a higher level of sexual consciousness.

Growing up in Catholic school and through catholic college I quickly realized the 8^th deadly sin was to bring up the subject of homosexuality in any catholic classroom.  If one wanted the subject changed instantly, desired to get the class to come to a complete silence, if one desired to see who was really listening to what was happening in the classroom discussion or if one just wanted to get a quick laugh at the professor and students’ uncomfortable reaction the thing to do was to mention homosexuality and present it as a topic for discussion.  In this case it became very much, “Sex Not On The Brain” or was it?  Was it really “Sex On The Brain But Don’t Admit It”?  A terrible but immensely humorous permutation of the Victorian “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” mentality?  Well then, “Father forgive me for I have sinned many a time,” because once I learned the power of this trick I must confess I used it to amuse myself during the long, boring moments of so many 8:00 classes…  As a mature man I no longer see this as an opportunity for cheap humor I visualize it as an opportunity to challenge others to face those truths which have been swept under the rug for so many years and thereby to reveal the true grain of the floor beneath. 

We should ask ourselves is there any problem with sexuality being a part of our consciousness on a continual basis?  Why not?  Romance languages, (owing to their name) separate and organize their concept of everything with respect to a masculine or feminine quality for example, in French we would say, “je vois la petite fille” or “je vois l’enfant de garcon” used to distinguish whether we were looking at male or female child.  Certainly this universal example cannot be viewed as a negative bringing us full circle to examine whether or not sex on the brain is a good thing, a bad thing or as I recommend just a normal human quality.  Ask yourself when did it become a bad thing to muse on sex and why?  When did sex become a bad thing and why?  If your answer is that sex is not a bad thing, that it is a purely and honestly, intrinsically human thing and therefore to be cherished as a valuable, essential element of our makeup then you have passed the test!  Sex is not, has never been and never will be a bad thing.  For is sex is bad then we humans are also bad because instinctually we are so intrinsically tied to our sexuality both personally and socially.  For this reason mature men treat sexuality as a trusted old friend while young men treat it as a curious new acquaintance. 

It is a downhill regression once we begin raise the inevitable negative hypotheticals which might be typified as people who cannot be productive at work or otherwise in any milieu save sex due to a perceived sexual addiction or people demonstrating what society perceives as an aberrant sexual disorder.   I have to emphasize that in such cases we are looking at rarities representing the extreme poles of human sexuality and not the meat of what can be considered the common human sexual experience.  Most human beings do not express their sexuality from an extreme pole rather they fall somewhere within the wide, deep, grey area between the two poles whatever they are?  So what are the two poles of human sexuality; are they celibate and oversexed?  If so how do we define oversexed, who among us has examined 99.999 percent of human beings and effectively determined that there is actually a definition that universally captures the concept of how the condition of being oversexed is defined and quantified?  At what threshold does normal sex become abnormal sex, when does undersexed become average sexed and when does average sexed become oversexed?  If there is some chart that exists that was not devised by most absurd, anal retentive and sexually disconnected person imaginable then now would be the time to brandish it.  Thankfully either no such chart exists or it is kept so secretly that I will never have the misfortune of seeing it.  I remember as a young student in catholic  high school whilst wandering around an ancient medieval chapel transported stone by stone from its fourteenth century site in Europe I spied a hand scribed parchment dated from around 1200 A.D. listing in hierarchy the divine order from god to the smallest organism in the sea.  Then I was shocked at such a primitive conceptualization of cosmology, now I understand the limitations of men living 814 years ago that would lead them to make such grave and technically, scientifically, and cosmologically erroneous assumptions about creation.  Now I wonder had they made a chart on human sexuality, as if Dante’s Inferno had not been sufficient, what would it be but the mature man in me supersedes that hypothetical possibility with the truths I now understand to represent life and sexuality in this day and age…  This objective visualization I owe to the fact that I am a mature man who has filled in most of the gaps of human sexuality which then existed as an inestimable vastitude of experiential acreage, uncharted and undefined.  The clothing of maturity is therefore raiment that I am pleased to say I wear quite well.

As a man who has always had an enjoyable sex life I would like to say that what we generally call a healthy sex life widely varies with each person.  Some humans are happy with no sex or occasional sex while others are happy with frequent sex but I do not believe it is anyone’s business to place a hypothetical limit on how much sex a person is allowed to have labeling them as oversexed, that is the only thing which is truly aberrant and criminal.  So I have opined that having sex on the brain is a purely natural thing and not a bad thing at all… actually it is rather a good thing because having sex on the mind could and should certainly cause the thinker to refine and perfect their craft.  I do feel the need to iterate that in a world of sexual possibilities there is of course good and bad sex and far more bad than mediocre, far more mediocre than good.  Like everything else sex is something that has to be refined in order to reach its full artistic potential and sex is an art form.   It is not a bad thing to have sex on the brain but what is important is the ability to be able to effectively incorporate it into a functional and aesthetically sophisticated plan of action.   For the mature man there is no need to fear that sexuality will suddenly abandon them in ways that will deplete their manhood.  Sexuality for mature men becomes increasingly intellectual, philosophical, spatial, aesthetical, balancing the imbalance of youths awkward and primitive pursuit of sex for the sake of sex.  Mature men therefore replace sex with philosophic sexuality… We have learned how to upgrade and refine, to make sustainable and handsome that vacuous condition habitually referred to as “Sex On The Brain”…

FIN

Written by BIGDADDY BLUES

ADMINISTRATOR: FOR THE BROTHAS: A VIRTUAL, INTELLECTUAL AND CULTURAL SALON

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THE CHALLENGE AND PROMISE OF INTERRACIAL GAY COUPLES

THE INESTIMABLE VALUE, CHALLENGE AND PROMISE OF INTERRACIAL GAY COUPLES…

I recently read an article written by a black gay writer that appeared to convey a shocking misunderstanding of the nature and significance of biracial gay couples.  It appeared that the author was frustrated because he did not have a basic understanding not only of the nature of the media but of the culture of gay black and bisexual men in general and he clearly had not done his homework before writing his article for the Washington Blade.  While this article points out a very clearly observable social media pattern regarding coverage of black gay celebrities coming out with white partners it only documents what is readily available, i.e. if there were black gay celebrities coming out with black partners who were not getting the same level of media coverage we would have a more, “Black And White” issue.  However that is not the case!  To the contrary, black gay celebrities are not publicly coming out with their black partners visibly by their side.  Many black celebrities are in fact coming out but apparently what the black gay community wants to see is a coming out with them embracing their black lovers.  These black celebrities do have a right to keep the identity of their loved ones private whether they are black, white or of another ethnicity.  So what is the media to do; should it ignore their right to privacy and launch a campaign to out them in order to fulfill a need in the black gay community to see more coupled black gay celebrities in the limelight?  Knowing how important it is for the fragile self-image of many black gays to see themselves  mirrored in popular culture and to also see gay couples who look like themselves one has to feel the deep urgency for popular figures to respond to this obvious void in popular culture. Without a doubt there are many black gay celebrity couples out there  many of whom have in fact come out to the public in ways that have not been widely publicized or that have been forgotten behind the ever changing wake of popular media.  Let us ask the question, is it the responsibility of black gay celebrity couples to make their most intimate affairs known to the world and is it fair for them to be coerced into compliance by an unknown public living vicariously through them.  This is a critical question that the non-celebrity gay black community must thoroughly examine asking itself if it really wants to live vicariously through celebrities or if it should adopt a more grass roots approach focusing on those couples accessible right in their communities, down the street, around the corner and next door? 

In a country that is so racially biased I must warn against extending that racial nonsense to the gay community, let it die, let it go because it truly has no place in a community of men and women who are themselves fighting a hugely monumental civil rights battle to establish their rights as American citizens. 

I know where that story originated.  It came from the hidden recesses of the human psyche, from the homophobia and latent racial tensions of a people only recently liberated from enslavement.  That story came from the inability to unilaterally appreciate human love wherever it is and celebrate it with the understanding that it is a truly rare and elusive thing.  That story came from a yearning assumed to have been denied and a mind limited to that which it knows.  That story did not come from the mind of an enlightened man and that is why I wrote this story in order to proclaim that which is true and most beneficial to humanity… there is no harm or evil to interracial relationships and they represent the ability to two human beings to set aside the prejudices of men in order to explore the fundamental meaning of love and life itself!  The dynamic of black gay celebrities dating outside of their race is merely a smokescreen for the author of that article who completely missed the real problem smoldering at the heart of the black community itself! It is my opinion that he was in denial with his own racism as is the black community at large.

It is the business of the media to capture a story but if there is no story to capture we have to look deeper into the nature of the imagery that eludes our desire.  This is where the pathos of the self-induced, American sexual naivety and buffoonery begins to kick in.   America’s black celebrities comprise a relatively small community whose comings, goings and doings are certainly known by the black gay community who chooses not to acknowledge it largely because of its pathological obsession with a fundamental misunderstanding of DL culture.  This “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” pathology is a misfit pattern eroding positive self-actualization that has enabled a culture of denial, fear and guilt among black gay, DL and bisexual men including interracially open black men and prevented them from gaining the respect and political empowerment they ultimately fear they will be denied on both ends of the racial see-saw. 

Because a universally socially embraced out gay culture is the most egalitarian and inclusive end of human culture one has to wonder why so many men still choose to live in closets that no longer exist. By right they may choose to live under any self-imposed duress, in some ways this can be intuited as an expression of personal freedom.  Frederick Douglass married a white woman after his first Black American wife died in the late 1800’s well after the Civil War had been fought and won.   It is certain that he understood the social implications of his marriage but because of his convictions to the higher cause of human equality he unflinchingly set the ultimate example of racial tolerance and unity.  In the light of Frederick Douglass’ valour as a freedom fighter on can only hope those who remain chained to their fears and doubts can someday be inspired to liberate themselves. 

Men who choose to live sequestered in closets of their own artifice must answer to their own sense of social responsibility and should be exempt from the judgments of those who selflessly strive for freedoms of all.  These romanticized self-condemned prisoners can only free themselves but it may be they find fulfillment in what others view as thralldom. I shall not delve into the alleged but unsubstantiated masochistic nature of the grossly misunderstood DL subculture nor the sadistic nature of equally misunderstood mainstream out gay and fully familiar straight culture regarding the bonfire of fear, guilt and hatred that follows the realm of homosexuality in general and the DL lifestyle in specific but I will say that it is a formidable labyrinth that continues to beguile twenty-first century humans in their quest to evolve human peace, social, racial and cultural homogeneity.    For out and self-actualized gay black and for Many DL men however, It is almost as if they are courting a death wish by celebrating the caustic side of DL culture which is most certainly their own antithesis.  The black gay and bisexual community has allowed the media to demonize DL culture, blowing it out of proportion and focusing only on the most aberrant aspects ignoring the many DL men who enjoy a rich and fulfilling life in and out of relationships with other DL men.  The black gay community has always been aware of the DL celebrities’ hidden lifestyles, having slept with them but it remains selectively apathetic because of its sexual attraction to the caustic side of the DL community, to the taboo and unobtainable exclusivity of a potential sexual encounter with the objects of their most cryptic but fundamentally unrealistic fantasies. 

Many black gay men are insatiably addicted to the “Outlaw” and the mythic lifestyle he lives.  The outlaw is a male persona who has been glamorized in Black American culture since the days of slavery for many reasons including our oppression and disenfranchisement.  The outlaw is a hero to many simply because he challenges the status quo set by the same white men who freely defy the very laws they have set for others to follow.  These renegades include those black men who explore interracial relationships because mutual love between white men and women has been traditionally frowned upon but since it clearly has occurred media has downplayed it by treating it as purely sexual, erotic, an act of pure lust without any decency, beauty or quality of true love and human compassion.  Black men who are renegades acting outside of polite social norms have been raised to the standard of gods by the Hip-Hop and Rap culture that glorifies ghetto and prison culture as a whole and is uniquely open to interracial relationships whether merely as an act of defiance or an expression of forbidden truth.  Therefore, black gay men who live as homosexuals and bisexuals but refuse to come out whether in defiance or apathy are commonly viewed as part of this culture of social outlaws. 

Unfortunately many black and white gay and men who desire profoundly sexually closeted black men are in complete denial about the realities of a lifestyle spent in hiding, sharing intimacies in sworn secrecy with passions and love that can only be consummated in the dark recesses of human existence.  They seek out the extreme from the vast range of the DL culture targeting the most hardcore which they have affectionately called, “Trade” or “Block Boys”, etc.  We of course must recognize their freedom to choose from within this population as well because if this conversation has taught us anything it about respect for individual freedom…

The alternative to the closeted black gay man is of course gay marriage or a very visible, public intimacy with another man.  Gay marriage is personified into the form of pure poison by those who condemn it.   To many, including some DL and openly gay men gay marriage is feared above all things because it would mean finally coming to terms with who they are and putting to the test whether their inherent sense of worth and manhood is stronger than their desire to be valued in the eyes of others.  Likewise, a black man whether gay, bisexual or straight must also come out with is desire to date outside of his race.  The challenge for the black community is to transform their biased image of gay and bisexual relationships in general from that of a foppish, freaky, racially regressive, unmanly circus replete with all the stereotypes into what it really is, a normal human relationship capable of the same love and sensitivity of a heterosexual relationship.  This means black gay, bisexual and DL men will have to evolve themselves even more to comprehend the trouble with the idea that real men just do the damn thing and keep it movin…  and find the solution to inform them what real men truly do in the face of sex, love and relationships with another man and with someone from another race…

The other problem is that nearly everyone misunderstands the nature of the DL gay and bisexual community.  Many people automatically assume that because DL men choose not to identify with the gay out movement they do not cultivate meaningful, compassionate and functional, long-term relationships.  Most people are unaware that men who secretly date interracially because they fear the repercussions of both white and black communities fall into a subcategory of DL culture. Virtually everyone is trying to force them into qualification by taking sides to live life as either openly gay or openly straight or bisexual or by dating exclusively with one race or another.  Furthermore society easily clings to stereotypes of DL men gathered from biased programming and literature focused more on ratings and sales than on truly understanding the nature of an entirely diverse lifestyle.  If identified, many DL men will attest to having established long-term relationships of many decades for many years before gay marriage was ever thought about; just what do you think gay men did 100 years ago when gay marriage was not an option but gay love was a reality?  The number of interracial couples that existed prior to and after the abolition of slavery in America will probably never be known because they were kept on the DL. When the word DL is spoken American’s automatically shift into Jerry Springer mode recalling some emotional but probably unverified testimony of a woman scorned who accused her man of sexing and loving with disastrous outcomes such as HIV or divorce.  Every DL man is not married to, living with or involved with a woman; many DL men are living life just as out gay men are except they keep it on the down low because they are private people.  How did we come to miss this entirely enormous community of DL men?  When one says DL people automatically think about a man cheating on a woman with another man in spite of the fact that a woman is not the qualifier for this lifestyle at all; it’s all about the other man! This of course does not mean that a gay or bisexual man does not have a responsibility to be open with a woman regarding his sexual preferences which he should do.  Gay and bisexual black men who are intimately involved with women in some way comprise only a fraction of the DL community, they do not define it.  We would all would do better to get on the bandwagon that accepts D.L. men for acting on their right to do whatever it is they desire to do with their lives as long as they act from a responsibility structure that has a strong ethical and moral foundation. 

It is my intent to uncover the truth and as uncomfortable as may be for many to see it, to hold it up into the sane light of day.  My responsibility as a writer is to mirror reality in the hope that it will positively change what others see when they look into it.  Every straight, gay, DL and bisexual black man and woman understands the profound difficulty the black community has intelligently and objectively understanding anything dealing with the gay community or with interracial relationships in America.  One should ask why anyone from the gay black community would be offended by an interracial, gay relationship.  In my opinion any interracial, bisexual, gay or straight relationship demonstrates that the difficult task of racial harmony has been pushed forward a thousand paces.  It is hard enough for two black gay men form a union so I can only imagine how difficult an interracial gay relationship would be… so I applaud each and every one, gay and straight because what it is that they truly represent is the ability of human beings to see beyond race, sex and the biases of traditional society in order to move human history forward in a positive direction…

FIN

Written by Bigdaddy Blues

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THE LICENSES AND LIMITATIONS OF LOVE

HOW IMPORTANT IS COMMUNICATION IN YOUR LOVE LIFE?

Because we humans are social organisms effective communications skills are hugely important in the most intimate area of our lives, our love life.  Whether a man visualizes himself as a playboy or serious monogamous type he will find that skillful communications will always be the default for a stress free coexistence.  There are many different types of intimate relationships but they all require the same three essential communications elements to be in place; including a realistic mutual understanding of and agreement with the relationship goals and objectives, licenses and limitations and a sound framework with which to measure the integrity of the affective/emotional covenant. 

ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF COMMUNICATION

• ·         Relationship Goals and Objectives
• ·         Relationship Licenses and Limitations
• ·         Affective/Emotional  Covenant Integrity

SETTING REALISTIC GOALS AND OBJECTIVES:

Every relationship must have goals and objectives even if they are only applicable for a few minutes of pleasure or social interaction.  The more evolved the relationship is the more complex its goals and objectives will be.   Generally, one can set a simple set of goals and objectives using the example below.  Because we continually change and mature the goals and objectives relevant to a relationship necessarily change.  Whether the parties in a relationship are able to successfully track the evolution of these goals and objectives will ultimately define how well they communicate.  Many people will tell you that they had excellent communication at the beginning of their association but that it gradually deteriorated.  The goals and objectives of a young relationship are not the same as an intermediate or mature one… this is just common sense.  Somebody and preferably both parties have to take the initiative to address this by scheduling regular sessions where they revisit the relationship goals and objectives and if they are creative in doing so, having dinner at home, going to a resort for the weekend, it should enable them to keep up with how their relationship changes.  Let me suggest that when goals and objectives or any critical communications is discussed that it be in the most intimate of settings away from outside interference to allow both parties to focus on each other. 

EXAMPLES OF RELATIONSHIP GOALS AND OBJECTIVES:

GOAL #1:                             TO DEVELOP A STRONG COMPANIONSHIP 

OBJECTIVE #1:                   BY SHARING A COMMON LIVING SPACE, FINANCES AND ACTIVITIES

GOAL #2:                             TO REACH ORGASM VIA INTERCOURSE

OBJECTIVE #2:                   BY UNDERSTANDING WHAT TURNS MY PARTNER ON

The goal is always generally declared using the “TO BE” form quite literally stating what you intend your goal to be, for example: to develop to establish; to explore; etc.  The objective establishes a solid and measurable strategy using the “BY DOING” form specifically outlining the strategy with which you intend to accomplish the goal, for example:  By asking what satisfies my partner most; by sharing a common dwelling; by determining if he/she is open to penetration; by sharing the utility bill; by informing my partner I prefer only to penetrate him/her without reciprocation, etc.  Establishing clearly defined goals and objectives creates a mapping system with which both partners in a relationship can navigate the difficult landscape of their relationship, track their progress and identify any missed or underdeveloped features.  Here is another good example of the “Goals and Objectives” method of communications:

“In order to improve communications with my partner regarding our sexual compatibility and understanding of one another’s desires we have decided to devote quality time relaxing together and sharing our fantasies with the intention of playing them out together”

This is the easiest method of tackling complex communications barriers.  By identifying the goal of understanding one another’s sexual likes and dislikes and mapping out ways to accomplish it by sharing fantasies and acting those out both parties are suddenly engaged in positive communications about the very thing which had become a barrier to their relationship. 

So the formula is simple, first set your goals then define how to achieve them by outlining your objectives and after experimenting by implementing the objectives you make a quality assessment to determine if you both felt you met the goal, if the objectives need to be redefined, etc., etc., etc.

GOALS → OBJECTIVES → EXPERIMENTATION/IMPLEMENTATION → ASSESSMENT 

Of course every goal and objective must be reasonable.  For example, if you discover that one partner does has a strong objection to doing something, rather than to force them into compliance which would be unreasonable, it would be more realistic and therefore reasonable to develop a strategy that did not require one partner to do whatever he objected to.   It would then be necessary to find a way to allow the other partner to enjoy whatever it is that is important to him without encroaching upon his partner who does not enjoy it.   The goals and objectives method does not assume that any problem can be solved; it is only a tool to enable communication so that the problem can be objectively identified, examined and troubleshot by both parties.

UNDERSTANDING THE LANDSCAPE OF LICENSE AND LIMITATION IN A RELATIONSHIP

All relationships require some licenses or freedoms allowing each partner to be themselves without fear of being disrespectful to the other.  You will find that partners who have superior communications in their relationship have also integrated a mutual understanding of the limitations such licenses must have.  In a monogamous relationship both partners may have freedom to hang out with their friends or family without the other partner being around giving them license to socialize with others.  This license may or may not include flirting, dating or having sexual relationships with other people while they are out.  It is important that socialization with others is encouraged and cultivated but it is even more important that guidelines are set so that both parties understand the boundaries involved.  

In an open relationship where both partners are free to explore their sexual fantasies with outside parties one might say they each have a “License” to play the field.  A license is a loophole, and exception, that permits each party to break the rules of a traditional arrangement but in fact within a well-balanced relationship where there is positive communication this license can actually function as a rule or limitation.  For example, some couples allow open pursuit of outside sexual partners but the forbid any strong emotional ties or repeat encounters with an outside party or the restrict the extramarital relationship under certain guidelines agreed upon by both primary partners.  With flirting, two partners may allow minimal looking and even comments about others but they are best prepared for anxiety when they have already discussed the limitations that such flirtations should be allowed.  Let me also note that when I say traditional relationship I do mean a traditional relationship by western standards and must make concession to nonwestern traditions that are far more ancient also far more extensive than western notions of monogamy.  Whatever the licenses and limitations are within a relationship they are of no value unless both parties agree on them and abide by them.  Here is an example of a license and it’s agreed upon limitations:

LICENSE #1:  FLIRTING (Example).  Flirting is allowed both parties because one party is especially flirtatious by nature and it would only be fair to allow him to explore his natural instincts but within certain agreed upon limitations that will not insult, hurt or disrespect his mate.

LIMITATION #1: FLIRTING (Example).  Flirting must not go beyond a casual look and a nod it may not be expressed as a verbal gesture unless it falls within certain agreed upon gentlemanly limitations.  Flirting may not include exchanging of numbers or establishing of separate relationships unless they are agreed upon by both parties.  The prescriptions permitting or denying flirting must be established through a mutual agreement and covenant between two parties through positive communication.

LICENSE #2:  SMOKING (Example).  One partner smokes a pipe and cigars and although the smell is objectionable to his partner they will allow him to smoke under specific guidelines in order that he should be able to enjoy his home.

LIMITATION #2:  SMOKING (Example).  Smoking will be permitted in one partner’s study/office only but in no other room of the house and only on the back patio.  The prescriptions permitting or denying smoking must be established through a mutual agreement and covenant between two parties through positive communication.

USING AFFECTIVE TECHNIQUES AND ESTABLISHING EMOTIONAL COVENANTS TO ESTABLISH INTEGRITY

One of the most important chapters of any psychology book is the one that introduces the “Affective Domain” and explores ways we can use our simple empathic skills to communicate verbal and nonverbal information to those who we love and come into association with.  While these skills are handy in our general day to day socialization they are critical skills we must learn how to effectively and ethically utilize in relationships.  Sometimes the way to open a difficult door in interpersonal communication simply comes down to our ability to show sincere empathy to another human being.  Observation skills consisting of listening, watching, touching and questioning, combined with critical comprehension skills to put it all together are central to the successful communication of emotion and the development of nonverbal emotional covenants.   It is these nonverbal emotional covenants that give integrity and soul to a relationship.  No matter how you put it, integrity is credibility!  Managing credibility is very simple when you take time to let your partner know you have their best interest at heart by taking them into consideration every time you make a small or large decision that you already know will ultimately affect you both.  This should be done without even thinking, in a relationship everything should be done with consideration for the other party.

Some affective techniques that can aid communications are as simple as asking, “How are you feeling” or saying, “You look/seem troubled will you talk to me about what is on your mind”?  Other means of expressing emotional concern and love are taking a person’s hand, embracing them or cuddling with them, stroking their brow or back, etc.  When communications have degraded to the point of silence sometimes a nonverbal technique such as a gesture or touching can break the ice.  Nonverbal communications are often more powerful than formal verbalized ones because they say to the other party, “Darling I care”.

When we effectively communicate with our partner in any type of relationship we establish a rapport with them and if we are sincere then we begin to establish a real covenant that gives the relationship integrity; this means we can build trust based on established credibility.  The more mature our covenant becomes the easier we can access our partner in order to establish positive communications.  A covenant is not real unless it has integrity and is based on honesty and transparency; lying to your partner or failing to accurately communicate with them only creates a flawed communication of mutual agreement and understanding.  One must ask, if they do not intend to be honest why bother to undertake any kind of mutual agreement at all?  Mature men and gentlemen are always honest even to a fault because it legitimizes them as ethically grounded people. 

Just as a relationships goals and objectives evolve over time so does the relationship’s covenant.  We have already discussed how trust and integrity tend to exponentially grow, or deteriorate the longer people stay in a relationship.  In actuality trust and integrity are never constant they vary in extent in a manner that is directly proportional to the way the parties in that relationship evolve emotionally.  Throughout the lifetime of a relationship incidents occur that build and tear down trust and integrity.  Hopefully though, sufficient trust and integrity has been established to weather the bad periods; when all of the trust and integrity has been eroded away and trenches of deficiency are being dug the relationship has deteriorated to critically dangerous levels of imminent failure.  Relationships that are not instantaneous, that are not just one time flings should strive to continually revise their covenants.  A relationships covenant may be verbal or nonverbal as long as both parties agree.  A covenant established at the outset of a relationship is most likely outdated from anywhere between 6 months to a year into the relationship and must be revisited to include critical updates.  Couples should establish regular intervals to revisit their relationship’s covenant and make revisions where they agree they are necessary.  We should not be afraid to reopen that book because happiness is defined therein.  Nobody should ever agree to any conditions of any covenant unless they truly embrace them; no covenant should be ratified simply to keep a person in your life.  The purpose of a relationships covenant is to keep both parties satisfied and not to be one sided.  Outside of regular agreed upon intervals, a covenant may be revisited in a time of crisis and both parties must concede to do so in order to keep peace between them. 

Communication is paramount to your love life, such that without it you literally could not have one at all.  The best time to establish great communications is at the outset of any relationship but it can be established at any point if both parties are willing to put in the work.  Bad communications will take away the potential for beauty in any relationship and may ultimately kill it.  Whether there is any communications problem or not it is always important to have a mutual understanding of the relationship goals and objectives because relationships do change as we change.  The freedoms and rules of any relationship must be carefully and mutually mapped out and agreed upon.  Deviation from the plan requires both parties agreement not just one.  Ultimately the licenses and limitations imposed upon any relationship must also change over time.  Finally as social organisms people who find themselves involved with one another must somehow tap into the affective domain in order to communicate on an emotional level.  As a couple grows together they will discover that they build integrity and trust as a form of verbal or nonverbal covenant between them.  This covenant too must change with those who have agreed to it reflecting how they have changed.  Change is a great and powerful element but it is inevitable in the world in which we live and therefore it must be respected and planned for.  In truth humans need relationships, we need intimacy and in order to enjoy the social dynamic that encompasses most of our daily lives we must cultivate successful communications skills.  These skills are most important the more intimate the relationship becomes.  So to answer the question, “How important is communication in your love life”, I must say that is the most important element without which no love live can ever truly exist.

FIN

WRITTEN BY BIGDADDY BLUES

ADMINISTRATOR: FOR THE BROTHAS, A VIRTUAL, INTELLECTUAL AND CULTURAL SALON

FOLLOW IT AT: WWW.FORTHEBROTHAS.BLOGSPOT.COM    

THE MATURE MALE DIALOGUE SERIES PART II:

TEN GOOD YEARS!

If you have ever had the pleasure of listening to Nancy Wilson’s stellar version of the song “10 Good Years” which she recorded in 1965 on the Capitol Records label then you know and old dog still has some time to wag his tail.  Take some time, ( if you will), to take a listen before you read this article at:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk_MVrX3KDw .  Now it is typically not my custom to reference material created with a female sentimentality in mind when treating with manly issues simply because I feel that men are so very different in many respects but this particular song speaks less to the female experience and more the common human experience. 

Contemporary male culture is full of graphic reminders of the fragility and brevity of our masculine virility the most common of which are products promising to restore premature balding and erectile dysfunction.  Coupled with these cattle prods to our sacred male mojo are such popular sayings as, “You better make your fire while you still got wood” (lyrics by Nancy Wilson 1965) and “If you want to let him know there’s steak for dinner you’d better make it sizzle” (line by Wesley Snipes in To Wong Foo 1995).  These types of ticking clock warnings inundate the culture of the male species ever focused on youthfulness, driving men to prove, “They can still hunt”, (Reuben’s line in Oceans 13, 2007).  For a mature male the end of acne and growing pains opens up an entirely new set of issues centered on the inevitable prospect of growing old.  As a euphemism we tend to use the general term, “Mature” to distinguish the process through which we relinquish our youthfulness for the next stage of physical and mental development.  Technically there is no specific threshold or ceiling age to the term; it can include a 21 year old as well as a 91 year old male encompassing quite a broad, subjective range.  But it is not my intent to attempt to define the term “Mature” for anyone as I am certain they will be fully competent to complete that exercise for themselves.  The point of this article is to explore strategies for men to manage the inevitable process of aging within a culture that worships eternal youth and praises the physical success typically achieved by older men.  For example, the couture suits in Gentleman’s Quarterly are being visually marketed by young models ranging from 18 to 21 years old for a mature clientele of businessmen ranging from 35 to 60 years old.  Cultural disparity number one is that young men aged 18 through 21 are hardly in the market for a $3,000 - $5,000 suit and businessmen aged 35 – 60 can no longer pass for an 18-21 year old.  One might say it’s a setup, no matter how hard a mature man tries he is not going to age in reverse but then why should he?

Some mature men may begin to fear they are approaching the end of their marketability as viable candidates for sex, romance or the establishment of relationships.  They fear that because of their age and/or experience they will be overlooked for younger, less “experienced” candidates.  21^st century popular culture certainly does lean more heavily toward the road less traveled as a desirable option for getting to know someone and deciding to stay with them.  Most mature men already know they come to the table with a houseful of offerings that are far more desirable to the bloke in his own shoes looking for financial and emotional meaningfulness and stability as well as the handsome but materially unadorned young Gavin’s pulling at his trousers.  Some of these men will invariably use their status as bait and it is generally but not absolutely true that such men are not really serious about developing anything serious; they are merely attempting to extend the wild frolics of their youth.  Whether a mature man uses his wealth, status and possessions as a lure for prospective lovers or as a standard balance for weighing compatibility a mature man typically but not always uses his status to compensate for what he feels he may have lost in masculine virility and youthfulness.  This begs the inevitable question, “How much time can I survive as a successful player in the popular field on my good looks and charm before having to rely on external assets to attract attention”?  Which begs the additional question, “How much external support do I feel I need in order to feel confident as a successful player,”?

The quantification of a man’s insecurity is at best an unmapped science.  It is sheer guesswork to attempt to postulate how much a man will generally compensate for his insecurity in any given scenario.  This man is 25% insecure due to his receding hairline and overcompensates 50% by dying his hair and investing in expensive hair replacement treatments.  That man is 50% insecure about his erectile dysfunction and overcompensates 75% by investing in male enhancement drugs and externally applied performance products designed to create and maintain an erection.  Another man is 15% insecure about his age and overcompensates 30% by investing in popular, youthful apparel, vehicles, real estate, furniture and other conspicuous retail items.  Some men fabricate elaborate virtual character profiles possessing all the irresistible attributes they feel they do not possess to gain a “Cinderella cyber-machismo” existing only when they are online.  There are some men, bountifully endowed, who overcompensate by using their penis as a sexual lure while allowing the rest of them to fall by the wayside.  These are the dysfunctional aspects of insecurity overcompensation.

On the other side of the spectrum there are those men who actually embrace their maturity including the changing of their appearance, metabolism and libido.  These men have not given up on themselves by any stretch of the imagination they have merely bought in to the natural evolution of their masculinity by developing highly creative and self-actualizing techniques to visualize “re-masculate” themselves.  I want to discuss the term I coined, “remasculate”, a term I created to describe a philosophical rite of passage whereby a man sheds the trappings of a manhood he has outgrown in order to free himself to explore a far more philosophically advanced echelon of manhood.  During a man’s lifetime he may actually undergo the process of remasculization many times over.  The process of remasculization entails more than just the transition from a baby to a boy, an adolescent, a man a, gentleman and an elder although it certainly runs parallel to this structure of social, mental and physical evolution.  Remasculization requires a man to completely revise, reinvent and remodel himself inwardly and outwardly to accommodate his physical and intellectual journey through life and the end result is a philosophical entity that is fundamentally balanced.  Because remasculinization takes into account the fundamental changes of physical and mental maturity it does not have to overcompensate for any loss in manhood because it does not see maturity as a pejorative or decomposing process.  Of course remasculinization is as I have defined it a textbook theory and to be honest it is my opinion that no man can fit the ideal, there will always be some degree of remorse and sense of loss due to the aging process and therefore nearly every man will show some degree of overcompensation. 

When a mature man looks into the mirror, or when he walks into a roomful of young virile males he certainly qualifies himself on the totem pole of manly desirability whether he gives it conscious merit or not.  At some point a man asks himself, “How long will my good looks and youthful stamina last”?  Parallel to the process if remasculinization each time a man moves upward to the next echelon of philosophically balanced manhood he certainly makes a note of where he came from and where he now is with respect to the eternal manly virtues.  That is why the philosophical dimension is so very essential for human growth.  There will come a time when a man will no longer possess any of the shining and careless attributes of his physical youth but in-between those times he will have to engineer a successful bridge equipped with strategic vantage points from which he can take a romantic look back as well as a hopeful look forward.  When our twenties are over we have 10 good years to our 40’s and after those 10 good years to our 50’s, ten good years to our 60’s, 70’s 80’s 90’ and so on until we go to our glory. There is always something great and uncharted to look forward to but until we realize this we must be confident that we have 10 or more good years of sturdy manliness to keep our confidence up.  As our concept of manhood evolves altering our goals and objectives accordingly those 10 good years will seem to come and go as quickly as we can shave an 8-hour beard.   Manhood is one of those things that get's better with age so artificially turning the clock back has a perversely disquieting effect on the gracefulness of a well-balanced aging process.  What matters in the end is the warm and hopeful comfort of knowing we do in fact have 10, 20, 30 or more good years ahead…"So Here's A Toast To Ten Or More Good Years!"  Cheers!

FIN

Written By BIGDADDY BLUES

THE MATURE MALE DIALOGUE SERIES: DECODING THE INTENT OF OTHERS

FINDING MEANING IN OTHERS AS A MATURE SINGLE MAN

Quite recently in my limited dating escapades I encountered two men who wanted to jump the broom after our first face to face encounter.  It is my practise to take it slow, get to know who I am dealing with, make an educated judgment after a series of well-planned encounters, you know, the whole mature and responsible dating thing.  

Pressed to the wall with wedding bells ringing in their ears it became clear these men were not used to anyone pushing back advising that more accountability assessed over a longer period of time than a couple of days was required in order to make such grand assumptions about compatibility.  

But their reactions were even stranger to me and I immediately realized they were responding as if they had got a rejection notification.   I got excuses like, "I am very busy" and "My life is not where I want it to be now and I have to spend my time getting it there".  “BINGO!” I had cut through the façade and smokescreen to get at the real person and found it was only half-baked.  But that was not really a very fulfilling revelation; I had met a countless number of kooks, posers and players in my day so my ability to instantaneously identify them as if I were classifying insect specimens for an entomology collection did little to titillate my faith in man.  It seemed only to be a well-honed skill elucidating the self-fulfilling prophecy that meeting a suitable companion might elude my grasp altogether… I’d be a male spinster but a happy one…  

The whole scenario totally freaked me out... but I remained focused and steadfast in my conviction to take it slow demanding that substantially more time be devoted to whatever it was I thought I was developing with a beau before agreeing to any terms or posturizing as if some magical love potion had taken effect.  I was more apt to gravitate toward the instant the love potion wore off because in my opinion that is the moment of truth!  

I worried that my carefully but aptly measured and brilliantly delivered scrutiny had been mistaken for rejection but now that the deed had been done I had to take a critical look at the nature of their responses.  Both men had gone from picking out engagement rings to admitting they were far too stressed out and busy to devote any quality time to the cultivation of a mere association in less than a week and with only one face to face encounter.  While I admired their honesty I also had to admire my skill at extracting it from the dense pile of gobbledygook they had presented as themselves.  If not pressed I should not have got them to admit what neither of us knew at the time.  So the essay in critical resistance had paid off if only to prevent me having to be the responsible party to bring proper closure to a hot fling gone cold. 

I wondered what would have happened if I had gone along with the program.  But I shut that aspect of the research down permanently and mentally placed that embracing tuxedoed male wedding cake ornament into the deep freeze!  What I realized, (what I knew going into the game), was that my time was valuable too and by doing due diligence at the start I ensured that it would not be wasted or disrespected.  

Yes we all have busy schedules and everyone living in the fast paced urban context of the 21^st century who is not living on a farm churning butter or herding sheep across the range can relate to that.  What is more we all have aspirations and are continually working to improve and reinvent ourselves in order to be marketable in the rapidly morphing 21^st century economy.  As a working man I cannot comprehend the leisurely life of the retired class who really does have time to sip tea and focus on the little things in life all day.  I am driven and ambitious and yet I do have the ability to devote time, quality time, to the cultivation of  an association without preconceiving but in hope that it may lead to more and I am a proponent of the theory that we make take for those things we most desire and value. 

What most men fail to realize about Giovanni Giacomo Casanova who lived from 1725 to 1798 is that he was more than the chambermaids delight, he was a true gentleman.  Casanova is the archetype for what men today call a “Player” but failing to properly research the true nature of the arts of courtly love by which this gentleman most certainly lived has produced generations of over-sexed buffoons rather than a truly polished man of the world.  Now this is yet another example of how the lack of historical knowledge can result in the most absurd and unflattering permutations of human character.  So I would be remiss if I did not entreat each of you to play with care especially the more mature of you gentlemen because the fallout of a failed relationship tends to be far more stressful in an older man who is apt to put more mental and spiritual energy into a relationship than a younger one who might get by with handsomeness and eroticism with minimal cerebral investment. 

Unfortunately there are people who will pull you in to what appears to be interest in a relationship simply because they can and have nothing more important to do.  Many times these men are themselves clueless about their unfocused, random recklessness and are in dire need of critical redirection.  But in this fast paced world who has time to properly redirect them?  If I had time I should open an academy for wayward and miseducated playboys, indeed it is a thought!

The purpose of this essay is to save some of you from yourselves which means saving you from these unscrupulous males, (not technically men), who are themselves lost and uncertain about life and will if allowed lead you down the same path.  If you take anything away from this essay take this one bit of advice: “Take your time and demand that you be allowed to take your time before committing anything to anyone and if your love interest cannot accommodate you by spending quality time until you feel comfortable that something substantive has been built as a foundation for moving to the next level then push back immediately!”  

This is more for mature men than younger ones.  Mature men can sometimes feel as if they are bound to a rapidly ticking clock that will render them obsolete, lonely and undesirable when it chimes.   Nothing could be more incorrect!  A mature man is the cream of the crop, the polished and finessed centerpiece… he is the prize and he must be certain that he treats himself as such and demand that he be treated as such.  Having gone through all the trials of life with the nimbus of success shining about him why in heaven and hell would any mature man lose his confidence and conviction to demand no less than excellence at this golden phase of his earthly existence?  He is evidence of where the glint of youth will go, so youthfulness should not intimidate him as youth has not his wisdom.  Do not be afraid to carefully scrutinize any man who approaches you because if he is what he says he is no harm will be revealed.  Do not succumb to wanna-be playboys who have somehow managed to remember a couple of overused lines borrowed from a fake pimp or buffoon they admire, there is fortunately no substitute for a true gentleman skilled in the arts of courtly love.  Last of all if someone does not have time for you or you for them call it what it is but save yourself the heartache of mistaking it for love…

FIN

Written By BIGDADDY BLUES