Saturday, September 20, 2014



A friend got a random call from a man he had dated 6 years ago inquiring about how his life was going.  He knew the man was genuinely interested, that his call was motivated by kindness and compassion however something very queer stuck out so very clearly to him that he was compelled to speak his mind.  After he reminded the gentleman that they had been acquainted for nearly 6 years sharing a string of hot but random sexual encounters, that he had never been invited to the gentleman’s home because his mother and siblings lived there and that he had been given excuses including everything from high blood pressure, living in the suburbs, to family issues, he offered the gentleman a solution. 

Being a compassionate and pragmatic man he reminded the gentleman that the years, months, days, hours minutes and seconds wasted could not ever be reclaimed; they were lost.  A proud man, he reminded the gentleman that as the owner of his home, health and time it was not fair, mature or convincing for him to use family and health as excuses for failing to cultivate a relationship.  He revealed his love for this gentleman but conceded that he had abandoned hope for ever building a normal relationship with him many, many years ago.  Using himself as an example of how a man in control of his own destiny might make the many sacrifices required in order to grow a relationship with someone he was able to complete his psychological transition from a man who had once entertained love to one who saw no romantic future with this gentleman.  As he declaimed his position with regard to the gentleman’s excuse for failing to galvanize their relationship it occurred to him that his words were falling upon deaf ears.  So he concluded the conversation realizing the magnitude of his love and conviction had and would never be matched by the gentleman on the other end of the phone.  At last he said quite plainly, “Do not blame your inability to cultivate a relationship with me on your family and your health, and do not use this excuse as a leverage to inquire about my personal life; know that I have moved on and that a gentleman does not provide details about his private affairs.  To answer your question directly, yes I do get it in but not nearly as much as when we first met because my libido is more quality driven now,” and that was all he had to say. 

He asked me if his reply sounded too much like a sermon and I assured him that whether or not it did there was clearly some need for a sermon in order to inspire that gentleman to confront issues that appear to have bought his life to a grinding halt over 6 years ago and seemingly long before they met.  When asked if I thought the gentleman would ever change I answered no, I thought it likely that his pattern of denial would only manifest in many other unwieldy ways and that once he began to separate the issues from the man there would be precious little left to love but a undeveloped and selfish shell.  Doubtless that man’s compassion was great having taken his mother and siblings in at the expense of his own privacy and freedom but there comes a time in a man’s life when he must prioritize his personal development, expanding his nuclear family to include someone with whom he can be intimate and form a lasting companionship with.  It is clear that he has not chosen you or anyone else but his family to form this bond, otherwise he should have done the things a man does when he wishes to spend his life with another person; that does not include putting you on hold for 6 years.  What could he possibly be waiting for? He knows his Caribbean family will never accept his homosexuality and he cannot even cultivate a functional D.L. relationship with any consistency therefore it is quite clear he is using his molecular family as a surrogate for a lover and companion of his own choice.  What husbandly devotion he might afford to you has already been invested in his mother and his siblings, leaving you out in the cold for the past 6 years.  How and also why does a man who lives less than twenty minutes from your doorstep randomly call after not having called in months to tell you he cares about and misses you?  The evidence leaves a wildly quixotic trail of inconsistency. 

I finally advised my dear friend that he had done a good thing confronting an issue that has haunted him for over 6 years.  He knew that he could easily love that gentleman and was always ready to make whatever investment was required but he also had the wisdom to hold back because he knew the man he loved was holding back from the relationship and that, his resistance would never end…



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