Tuesday, July 28, 2015



I guess it is our nature to appease; we are inherently intent on providing satisfaction to those who most impress us.  For most men life is a continual struggle to determine what other people like and specifically what they like about us.  We operate as if in a veritable Broadway production garishly decorated with an endless opulence of, “Darling this, Doll-Face that, of Baby-Cakes this and Honey-Lamb that!” as if applying a heavily-sugared glaze to our every action to make it more appealing to our beloveds whomever they may be…  Rather than devote so much effort marketing the hard-selling aspects of our personality to others why don’t we focus on understanding what they don’t like!

Babies, dogs and cats don’t like when we bathe them.  Men don’t like it when we treat them like a child or an emotional woman.  Women don’t like it when a man patronizes them instead of respecting and acknowledging their intelligence and strength.  It seems we spend so much time trying to figure out what people like that we fail to also understand what they do not like. 

It is not enough to have a good sense of what somebody doesn’t like, in order for that knowledge to have any practical usefulness we have to also understand why and develop a strategy to avoid triggering their distaste but managed within reasonable boundaries that support our own self-esteem. In order to maintain a healthy balance we need to actually map a person’s various dislikes and also develop strategies to avoid stimulating them but not obsess about the eventual, incidental times that we forget and actually do something we know a person does not care for.  This means that we are not reduced to walking on eggshells in order to maintain a relationship that appears to be healthy because there are no conflicts.  This also means that others must invest an equal amount of attention to our dislikes as we do theirs.

Paired with the list of dislikes should be a rational component justifying the dislike.  For instance, “my Boo does not like his coffee hot or with cream because it hurts is gums and fillings and because he is also lactose intolerant.” Balanced with, “My Boonkums loves his tea with fresh cream at approximately 120 degrees Fahrenheit and with slightly burnt toast.”  Balanced further with, “my Honey-Bunny knows I like my coffee ice cold and served in a mason jar with one teaspoon of sugar.”  Understanding likes and dislikes should reveal that a person’s dislikes are not always a direct opposite of their likes.  For instance someone may not like rain but they may not like direct sunshine either.  We have to work harder to understand those whom we care for we must pay attention to them and learn to understand why they are the way they are.  We cannot ask their best friends or get the information from Facebook, it has to come from one on one intensive interaction, that is the way human beings should work.

So the next time you go on a date pay close attention and don’t just focus on what that person tells you or appears to like watch them and learn first-hand what they dislike and try to turn that information into a positive…  Cheers!


By Bigdaddy Blues

Sunday, July 26, 2015



I’ve often wondered why and also how love simply vanishes?  I’ve asked myself,

“If love can be so easily erased then it must never have been really established”.

This revelation led me to finally accept that what I had once imagined to be a promising affection was no more than a mirage.  I realized, (as we often do in the aftermath of a bewildering journey), had I examined it closer every detail would have led me to my final evaluation. But I had always been spot-on with this particular romance, or so I thought...  I realized however that I had enabled a half-baked promise to linger for nearly 6 years pointing it out victoriously each time but never plotting its outrageously intermittent infrequency on a tangible timeline.  Though I knew it was a mirage, a dead thing given life only by my desire to make it alive I never gave it a formal ending.  To do so would ultimately be the death of that once-promising affection even though that once upon a time was now many years past due.  My rational and sensible natures would not allow me to ignore the obvious contradictions between a growing human connection and a series of random events superficially suspended in an equation whose integers refused to close or balance.  Who was this person I had allowed access into my world 2 or 3 times a year and why or rather how could I have maintained such a sophomoric affection for a man about whom I knew virtually nothing?

“We love some men as we do a comforting mirage, we keep them as a handsome image stored floating someplace in our infrequent consciousness…”

The game played by some men who do not have the strength to commit with those who do is to oscillate in the background like a vintage film emulsion.  We see them flicker as a random frame of film but take no notice that that between each flicker are weeks, months and years of blank space… We fill the substantial interstice, the blank space, with the pure fantasy of how we would have liked to have developed a relationship but it is always only a precious little piece of emptiness if that is possible… Oscillation is a seriously dangerous social characteristic, it is a trait typified by behavior which continually moves from place to place because it is too unstable and weak to establish itself any place for a meaningful period of time.  Oscillators keep moving so they can evade observation; they always have an excuse to be inaccessible and they typically contradict their actions by dropping heavily laden language about love and commitment as if to balance the fact that they have neither time nor intent to cultivate either. 

“Love always leaves a positive imprint upon the lives of those whom it touches; anything negative is not the residue of love…”

Therefore, demand that a man with whom you would be partnered spend as much quality time as is needed to build a substantive relationship.  Love cannot vanish if it has never been established!  If you are feeling emptiness it is only because you did not demand a fulfilling relationship and having invested so much time holding the promise of love the only thing you find in your hands is wasted time… not love… because love has volume and energy… never waste time…  Since there is no prescription for love, when or if it should ever appear, you should focus on the building blocks of love such as friendship and trust, integrity because without these fundamentals love cannot grow or flourish…  You should accept when you no longer feel obliged to pursue a relationship because you have no evidence of love… but know also that love is not about sexual attraction, it is possible to be in love but not to be sexually compatible… love is not a literal phenomenon, it is as unique as your ability to understand it…

“love is not sex, it does not need sex in order to exist therefore never abandon true love for sex or because of sex”

The wide-world of possibilities leaves us dangling from a short-string of pure hope…  we can take that string apart and from it weave a longer, thinner string increasing our reach to where we desire or hope to go.  It is not about how much string we have for we will certainly run out of the short string eventually, hope is about the ability to understand what the string represents thereby replacing it with understanding and increasing our scope, our reach to infinity…



Thursday, July 9, 2015




Many Americans have been forced to confront their personal views about homosexuality now that the Supreme Court has unilaterally endorsed same-sex marriage.  Although the decision was overwhelmingly applauded by Americans as always there is residual camp of mixed emotions.  For some Americans the Supreme Court decision heralded a much overdue confirmation of this countries interest in upholding the civil rights of its taxpaying citizens.  Some Americans may have felt the Supreme Court decision forced an issue upon them for which they had strong moral, ethical and faith-based reservations. There can be no doubt that this historic event represents a complete re-calibration of the course of American culture from its heterocentric traditions, now made official. For those who oppose gay marriage/unions the days following the decision have been spent managing their frustration and in some cases anger.  While it is difficult to understand why anyone would become angered when long-denied liberties are finally gifted to others whom they know have been oppressed we must nonetheless attempt to see the world through their lens lest we succumb to the same myopic phobias. Like so many elements of American culture same-sex marriage/union is yet another phenomenon most people have far too little time to give careful and insightful consideration. The kinds of opinions that can result from a poorly developed understanding of any issue especially realities of the human condition are rarely worthy of our consideration. However, the fact that they exist in quantities sufficient to cause great suffering to others forces us to take them seriously. The twenty-first century has turned many working Americans into virtual automatons focused on paying for our brief but costly existence in this world with little or no time to really contemplate what is happening around us and fewer time and energy to do anything about it.  We are often rudely awakened at unawares to the shrewd dictates of powerful entities who have nothing but money, time and energy to force their agendas upon us.  Rarely does a grass-roots movement like gay rights ever gain sufficient momentum to effect political change.  Who would have thought 35 years ago when the AIDS Pandemic began to decimate the gay population by the millions that they would rise up to replace their grim preparations for certain death with a fresh optimism opening with their newly earned right to legal marriage and civil unions? How magnificently life has changed its course!

As a writer I must pose the question: 

“Is America’s attention span long enough to properly comprehend the fundamental and immediate change that legal gay marriage/union brings to human civilization”?

I ask this important question because I understand how impotent a law can be if it is not understood and philosophically embraced by everyone and by mainstream culture. Take as an example Emaciation which became eroded by Jim-Crow and other antisocial, pathological socio-cultural and economic practices that evolved in direct reaction to the freedoms gifted to Black Americans because there was no real buy-in by the very ones who liberated them. 

Gay marriage/union dissenters are clearly on the wrong side of the track forged by recent trends of the past 4 decades leading to the legalization of same-sex marriage/union.   Everyone who had been paying attention to mainstream American culture in the late twentieth and early twenty-first century would say that it had been clear for many decades that gay marriage was on the main menu and its energy consistently gained positive momentum toward its goal. It can be said that America's Procrustean struggle accepting the civil rights of Black Americans has enabled them to be more receptive to the recent freedoms won by the LGBT community in Americas courts.  Yes, indeed, the LGBT community owes its smoother struggle and success to the pioneering efforts of the Black American community whether it admits it or not! Likewise the American Civil Rights Movement which has had an overwhelming focus on the issues of Black Americans and other ethnic groups must concede to embrace the LGBT community as family, elevating them within their ranks as brothers in the same cause of humanity!  This is not an idealistic fantasy it is a recipe for success having the strength to unify allies against the forces of bigotry and hate in America, a culture that is very much alive and well and one that always capitalizes on the division of its foes...

For my second question i ask: 

“Is it possible to bring those who oppose gay marriage/union into the spirit of the age”?  

Same-sex marriage/union dissenters have turned their minds away from the big picture of contemporary human civilization back to a time that is no longer culturally relevant and that trend is a troubling phenomenon around the globe. There is an inherent problem with the ideological regression to a time when people were denied the civil rights they enjoy today because one cannot exist in both of those worlds without resurrecting biases that have been long buried in the past.  How could one justify the energy spent on a journey to resurrect old evils when there are more than enough humanitarian causes such as homelessness, illiteracy and poverty to entertain and nourish the soul?  As a man of 53 years I have finally accepted and respect that men who I must respect because of their freedom of choice, can and will chose a path of evil over good if for no other good reason than because they can. In times of rapid social and technological progress it is typical to see romantic movements arise aiming to balance what they see as an imbalanced equation tipped by a social phenomenon they view as evil simply by turning history backwards.  Such Nipenthean solutions which can be thought of only as “Social Romanticism” or more accurately, "Retrosocial Romanticism"can only delay, (if they make any difference at all), a major systemic change that is already set on an irreversible course toward realization.   


 Retrosocial Romanticism chooses to ignore and suppress important, mainstream movements in the evolution of human civilization which it deems to be evil in an attempt to create a Utopian reality where it's votaries can pretend to escape/avoid the influence of the "evil" word until they can either warm up to assimilating it's changes or resting change, stubbornly  perish in a self-imagined heroic act mortal rebellion. Flying the confederate flag 150 years after the Civil War was lost is a good example of Retrosocial Romanticism at its worst.  To many same-sex marriage/union dissenters it is not enough to hate or resent the legalization of gay marriage in America.  Human nature typically objectifies its anger through blaming setting out to punish the blamed.  I do not know why anyone would want to return to a time when other human beings were being  brutally oppressed other than to compensate their own insecurity but we must operate knowing there will be many cases in which members of the LGBT community are attacked as part of a backlash against their newly earned freedom. There are many historical precedents of this kind of reactionary social regression and it is always marketed as a benevolent and wholesome brand of conservative fundamentalism steeped in family and religious values.  Apparently,  these social malcontents have never considered whether murdering, discrimination against, and socially demoralizing their own brothers and sisters represents positive family values. Well, that is precisely why the laws have been changed and now comes the proving ground to test the ability of these laws to effectively protect those whom they were designed to protect.  It is idyllic and even naive to expect those who strongly oppose gay rights today to understand, respect and protect them.  There is and may always be an organized community of people who hate the LGBT community and blame them for the woes of the world.  As Black Americans have had to do so must the gay community accept this grim reality transforming it into a n incentive to overcome the odds. Within the big picture of civilized, rational thought neither gays or our legal system should be held to blame for the legalization of same-sex marriage/unions because the catalyst for this revolutionary socio-cultural phenomenon lay at the very soul of humanity.  This is why the American Civil War was fought so bitterly, it's passion to perpetuate or  to end one of the greatest evils of the world, human enslavement, was an evocation of the very soul of humanity.  We certainly cannot blame the human spirit for wanting to be free.  Even god knows that every man desires to be free. Because of incandescent events in human socio-cultural history such as the Emancipation of Black American slaves and the legal victories of the Civil Rights Movement we can truly say that some Americans know what it means to wrest their liberty away from tyrants to be free.  By virtue of their continual struggle these people should also understand that freedom is never free, it comes at a cost and that cost must be paid as long as freedom is enjoyed.


On the global scene gay marriage has been legally established in many developed countries for over a decade.  But the world has been eyeing the Supreme Court as a if it is a beacon of universal freedom, such at least is its reputation even though it might be argued that America home of the free has been resting on its laurels.  Considering its diversity America is way overdue regarding the legalization of gay marriage, (as it was with slavery, women’s rights, labor laws and civil rights), compared to other countries who courageously pioneered those movements.  If one makes the argument that this is because America is a conservative nation then what metaphor does one evoke under the judicial robe of  national conservatism other than institutionally entrenched racism and bigotry. The queer doubleentendre that is implied and evoked by he utterance or idea of American branded conservatism speaks for itself! American liberalism has had and will continue to have a formidable battle against conservatism.  The conservative movement assumes everything is Okay, it has falsely made that assumption with Black American and Gay rights...   Gays cannot be blamed for exercising their right to fight within the egalitarian legal system of the United States to win their right to marriage.  Black Americans cannot be blamed for diligently struggling to win their natural freedoms, human and civil rights. Likewise, the Supreme Court cannot be blamed for upholding its duty to ensure that the rights of all American citizens gay, straight or otherwise are protected and that those protections do not include treading upon the natural rights of others.  This leaves the blame, (if any blame can be made), on the American social structure for selling the flawed belief that only heterosexual people are worthy to enjoy legal marriage. 


Civil Rights Leaders have avoided the obvious relationship between the Gay Movement and the Civil Rights Movement for decades but the two are intimately intertwined.  The same socio-cultural barriers have haunted both camps yet the voracious with which western culture has demonized homosexuality over the past two-thousand years has rendered it philosophically impossible for the leaders of The Civil Rights Movement, (entrenched in judo 'Christian dogma), to acknowledge the clear brotherhood they share. To the extent that those mid-twentieth-century mistakes have been rectified by the Supreme Court ruling in 2015 both camps may now draw sighs of relief.  I like to marvel at the idea of same-sex marriage/union as an utterly unique and revolutionary event in human history.  As far as we know in the roughly 100,000 years that human beings have existed on this planet the issue of gay marriage has never been formally addressed by any civilization to the extent that it was codified as a protected right within their laws.  While The United States of America basically pioneered one of the first successful large-scale modern experiments with egalitarian freedom it has consistently failed thereafter to take the lead in many critical issues of basic human and civil rights, resting or perhaps sleeping on its laurels/morals.  By establishing a unilateral network of Retrosocial and Cultural Romanticism on July 4, 1776 America using media, militia and malice to sell the illusion of its sanctity successfully suppressed criticisms for over two centuries while it engineered and institutionalized an iron-clad system of racism against many ethnic groups contributing to its prosperity with whom that prosperity was not shared.  The American way became the patented hallmark for a style of racism and bigotry hidden beneath a pall of Americanisms which blatantly ignored racial, sexual and ethnic diversity and equality.  This engine of inequality is the product of a powerful social overlay whose foundation has been a hateful philosophy manufactured to support racism justified as divine right but masquerading as Christian fundamentalism.  To this extent, slavery, racism, sexism and the like have been perpetually justified and legally enforced by the laws of these United States.  After nearly 100 years of dormancy following the emancipation of Black American slaves the momentum of unresolved issues began to grow during the mid-twentieth century civil rights movement. Although suppressed beneath the issues of Black American freedoms the long burning questions of the sexual revolution including same-sex unions/marriage poised themselves for eminent discussion but were ignored.  A later iteration of national guilt for ignoring gay rights manifested in the weird proclamation marketed as, "Don’t ask don’t tell". This latent movement was a clear effort to suppress the incendiary issue of gaiety beneath a Nipenthean stupor.  There would have been no logical reason to ask Americans to suppress their feelings about homosexuality it if were not already an appetitive entrĂ©e on the social menu of the national mood.  Don't ask don’t tell was all about appeasement of the national mood!  Don’t ask don’t tell, make no mistake, was also a multimedia scheme designed to prepare America for the eventuality of same sex marriage sanctioned by the federal government. Fortunately its clumsy method of introduction did not plunge same-sex marriage and gay rights in general into a chasm of limbo.  The LGBT community was rightfully angered by its crudeness and this anger is really what launched a full-scale movement to get it right by going for nothing less than 100%. Ask or don't ask as you like but don't ask or expect me not to tell and if I do as a tax ping American citizen let the world know you've got my back!

Can we blame Clinton and the American government for managing gay rights with a clumsy agenda?  Not really since those issues had historically been considered absolutely untouchable and irrelevant.  Neither should we place fresh laurels upon their brows for paying on a long overdue balance. They acted because they were pushed by activists and by a shift in human cultural evolution so place that gilded diadem upon the brows of the common man! Agendas can be crafted to cater or to ignore an issue regardless of its importance.  It is arguable that it is equally problematic to bother recognizing an issue under an exclusive agenda but weaken it's power by dancing around the fundamental elements that give life to it.  Going perpetually around the mulberry bush ultimately causes the soul of the argument to seem virtually invisible.  In other words, if it was always OK to be gay as long as you didn’t admit it publicly its social culpability could not be rationalized least  of all condoned under the condition of sworn secrecy.  How could something be good only under the condition  that nobody knew it existed? This begs the question, “Why or how could it ever be acceptable  to pretend to be something you are not, (outside of the CIA), when everyone else knows you are pretending?  I know that “Don’t ask don’t tell” was theoretically designed to be a preparatory measure slowly warming America up to the reality that gay rights and marriage were a thing of the very near future.  I think the message was deliberately very shady, scary even foreboding.  I think that is why the LGBT community wrestled down this clumsy lead and pushed with all its might to open the door of freedom the right way honestly earning it at the end of a long and difficult fight.  People have a way of resenting something when they feel it has been sneaked into being behind their backs.  People respect a man who honestly states his intentions at the front door rather than resorting to barn-side circus antics to bamboozle them with see-through magic tricks. The law has fortunately always been clear even though it was never applied which is why the Supreme Court was compelled to legalize gay rights and same-sex marriage/unions.  The social mood of America has been allowed to founder precariously between a cacophony of irrelevant religious arguments which should have had no bearing in a country that only pretends to separate church from state if the state had actually bothered to live up to its claims.  The LGBT community has had to battle heterocentric cultural traditions assumed to unequivocally define the institution of marriage manhood, womanhood and Americanism in general redefining that spurious model heretofore epitomized as the order of all things. This is because America has created a socially bigoted culture and is now being forced to extricate itself from the ruins of a nearly failed democracy.  America it appears is being redefined again, its corrupt carcass is being ground down to a fine powder and the liquid vehicle of diversity is being added to give it neo-plasticity so that future generations can refashion it into something beautiful!  I hate to draw upon the image of the cracked liberty bell as a metaphor for a new reconstruction of American values.  But the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries have been like indomitable foundries melting every atom of that bronzed monolith of failed egalitarianism.  Now we await the fashioning of a proper mold to pour our molten freedoms into, casting a culturally relevant icon that America might again have a true symbol of liberty!


Written by Bigdaddy Blues