Sunday, October 4, 2015


Antique gentleman's valet stand

Antique Empire Style Gentleman;s Valet Stand

Social legend positions a curious assortment of sources in the form of madams, pimps, prostitutes, social climbers, vixens, boy-toys, gigolo's and even sainted mothers as the golden oracles of a man's innermost passions.  No matter how you shuffle the cards the bottom-line defining what drives the mind behind the manly machine is always the same, sex, power and hunger.  These three elements form a lusty-trilogy that in the absence of a more wholesome model appear to form the key that opens up the cryptic science of what a man wants.

Antique Gentleman's Valet Chair

I think it's safe to conclude that sex plays an integral part in the decision making process for many men.  Long before the likes of Sigmund Freud those who were wise enough to pay attention to human nature certainly observed how closely the choices many men made were linked to sentient and conceptual cues they associated with sex. The modern science of marketing/advertising openly exploits the inherent vulnerabilities of the male libido in order to sell everything from automobiles to underwear, really nothing is sacred. Few men dare challenge this divisive but aesthetically titillating practise and why should they since it lies at the heart of the the capitalistic reality we all prefer. It's something like adding sugar to a bitter medicine.  We ultimately, grudgingly have to part with our hard-earned monies so why not do so with a sex-induced smile on our face?  So understanding what turns a man on, what he considers to be sexy,handsome and beautiful can potentially open a lot of doors for anyone hoping to get into a man's head by placating his lust. Even a novice should understand that it is not enough to know what turns a man on, a man does not need an automaton to mindlessly regurgitate passions he already knows he has.  A man needs someone who can become an artist with their knowledge of his sexual triggers, he needs someone who can pull, stretch, compress and transform them into a continuum of uniquely erotic experiences.  He needs someone who will use their basic understanding of his libido to cultivate and evolve a truly dynamic sexual landscape.

Modern Gentleman's Valet Stand

While not every man is a Type-A personality, a power freak, or a megalomaniac there lay within most men and inherent desire to exercise dominion over their immediate surroundings and physical conditions.  Air conditioning, electric shavers, airplanes door locks, wireless security systems and escalators are primary examples of a man's need to control his environment.  The creation of laws points to the fact that men see the need to organize everything that might potentially come under their dominion and laws have become the instrument of that need to be in control.  Understanding the personal ethical/moral constitution of a man can deliver excellent insight into what that man wants in any given situation.  After years observing the way a man opines, how he qualifies justice and injustice right and wrong it is fair to say that one can draw a profile of that man's concept of power allowing you to predict and understand how he will evaluate situations in the future.  When asking the question what does that man need it comes down to understanding his very nature.  If he is opinionated and likes a good debate he may need someone to challenge him bug if he is a know-it-all he may need someone to agree with him or just remain silent without voicing an opinion of their own or challenging his.  A man needs someone who understands and respects how his mind works who can creatively co-exist without losing their-self to the man.

Antique Gentleman's Valet Stand

If the way to a man's heart and mind is through his stomach, if food-lust as a sort of fortified, condensed, metaphor for power and sex that can be equated to the fuel and driver of a man's personality then it might truly be the fundamental point of entry into the psyche and profile of that man.  It certainly should be a topic of exploration how a man's diet might mirror his personality profile.  While I am sure there is some connexion between a man's diet and his personality, his sex drive and his drive for power I doubt that there is any really consistent pattern linking the three variables.  With men, nothing is that simple.  For instance, you cannot predict that a man who has a taste for exotic foods will also have a taste for sexual opulence.  Furthermore a man who has a varied diet may not be liberal minded or universal in his life philosophy at all.  I don't think it would be a wise or fruitful enterprise to attempt to prove any connexion between a man's diet and his sexual and power appetites, these phenomenon are all quite unique in their own right.  But since a man must eat to survive and since a mans survival becomes so much more pleasant when he does not have to worry about food, when the food he eats is food that he ejoys it would be wise to understand a man's appetite, his culinary likes and dis-likes.  Since hunger does affect a man's personality i guess anyone who desires to see their man happy would make certain that he eats well.  I don't know any man who does not want to eat well.  For some men eating can be a cathartic experience since the chemicals released into the blood stream after consuming foods may simulate a high delivered by opioids or other stimulants or even depressants.  Is it important to know what excites a man's palette? Certainly, yes! Why would anyone interested in understanding and supporting a man ignore the most fundamental necessity for his survival?  If you are interested in understanding a man, any man take time to discover what he likes to eat!

Antique Gentleman's Valet Chair

Fortunately all men are infinitely more diverse than their sexual, political and dietary needs, wants, likes and dis-likes.  But one has to start someplace and what better place than with these three basic human elements.  The purpose of the exercise aimed at understanding what a man needs is to be able to focus empathize with another human being other than yourself as a form of conscious meditation. The goal is to decrease selfishness the objectives are to practise the arts of caring for and accommodating another human beings needs and desires and in so doing cultivating and fulfilling your own desire and need to become your brothers keeper.  Understanding what a man wants should be a liberating experience redirecting energy spent obsessing over personal drama.  It is often that when we are taken out of ourselves we are able to see us the way others do outside when we return.  Stepping out of self really forces us to find self again.  We recognize a different self each time we return.  Had we never left we should not appreciate the task of coming back home.  We bring with us the fine and fulfilling warmth of having selflessly touched another soul and regardless where the relationship goes we can always look back knowing that for our part we did and gave the very best that we were humanly capable of, our conscience can be free..



Thursday, October 1, 2015




If you are a single mature man who feels he has exhausted his potential with marginal results to show for his efforts at love why not consider re-kindling an old love affair with a former flame. Well... not just any flame but a person whom you have always considered to be the love of your life, the soulmate that got away. That really has to be the main qualifier otherwise why even bother, right?First thing to do is check to see if that distant flame is still single and if so if there remains a latent flicker of affection that could be the kindling of a renewed and revitalized relationship.  Moving forward with the most gentlemanly tact find a classy way to reconnect and if you are so lucky, and I hope you will be, you may rediscover an old soulmate in a completely fresh and positive light.

There are many reasons why revisiting an old affair can be quite logical and potentially positive. There is already an established level of familiarity with a former beau. Now whether there is any trust depends on the manner of your parting... you'll have to carefully think that move out before making it. You want to be certain that you don't just kick up old dust and create a mess.  One of the key elements in revisiting an old relationship that may have gone bad is moving past the old bad experience.  The minute you discover that either of you are stuck in the drama of the past it is a clear sign that past issues remain unresolved so either you both put your heads together as a team to resolve them or call it quits! There is really no good reason to rekindle the mistakes of the past. As a rule it is not advisable to attempt at rekindling a fire with someone whom you badly hurt so consider a former lover that became estranged due to normal circumstances. For example a person with whom you simply lost contact with because both of you were too busy is a prime candidate for revisitation as long as you confirm that you both now have ample time to spend quality time together. As always it's totally your call, but make certain that you are not wasting yours and someone invaluable time. The one asset a mature man should never, ever squander is time.

Love should be sustainable, it can be recycled, revised, reinvented, rekindled. But everything is conditional so there will be some people with which the process of getting familiar again will be easier than others.  With some it may be impossible to reconnect on any civilized level.... that's life! There is no good reason to ignore potentially good resources just because of a foolish saying or fear that you can never go back to a former love interest.  Ask yourself why not?  We experiment with going back to old pleasures in many other ways such as with food, travel, jobs, entertainment, etc., so why not with romance? There is no law that says you cannot try a second time with someone in which you clearly see potential.  Being stubborn about maintaining silly rules such as this can only limit your ability to explore every possibility for happiness and love.  There is absolutely no reason why you should limit your ability to find love from within pastures formerly sewn.



Tuesday, July 28, 2015



I guess it is our nature to appease; we are inherently intent on providing satisfaction to those who most impress us.  For most men life is a continual struggle to determine what other people like and specifically what they like about us.  We operate as if in a veritable Broadway production garishly decorated with an endless opulence of, “Darling this, Doll-Face that, of Baby-Cakes this and Honey-Lamb that!” as if applying a heavily-sugared glaze to our every action to make it more appealing to our beloveds whomever they may be…  Rather than devote so much effort marketing the hard-selling aspects of our personality to others why don’t we focus on understanding what they don’t like!

Babies, dogs and cats don’t like when we bathe them.  Men don’t like it when we treat them like a child or an emotional woman.  Women don’t like it when a man patronizes them instead of respecting and acknowledging their intelligence and strength.  It seems we spend so much time trying to figure out what people like that we fail to also understand what they do not like. 

It is not enough to have a good sense of what somebody doesn’t like, in order for that knowledge to have any practical usefulness we have to also understand why and develop a strategy to avoid triggering their distaste but managed within reasonable boundaries that support our own self-esteem. In order to maintain a healthy balance we need to actually map a person’s various dislikes and also develop strategies to avoid stimulating them but not obsess about the eventual, incidental times that we forget and actually do something we know a person does not care for.  This means that we are not reduced to walking on eggshells in order to maintain a relationship that appears to be healthy because there are no conflicts.  This also means that others must invest an equal amount of attention to our dislikes as we do theirs.

Paired with the list of dislikes should be a rational component justifying the dislike.  For instance, “my Boo does not like his coffee hot or with cream because it hurts is gums and fillings and because he is also lactose intolerant.” Balanced with, “My Boonkums loves his tea with fresh cream at approximately 120 degrees Fahrenheit and with slightly burnt toast.”  Balanced further with, “my Honey-Bunny knows I like my coffee ice cold and served in a mason jar with one teaspoon of sugar.”  Understanding likes and dislikes should reveal that a person’s dislikes are not always a direct opposite of their likes.  For instance someone may not like rain but they may not like direct sunshine either.  We have to work harder to understand those whom we care for we must pay attention to them and learn to understand why they are the way they are.  We cannot ask their best friends or get the information from Facebook, it has to come from one on one intensive interaction, that is the way human beings should work.

So the next time you go on a date pay close attention and don’t just focus on what that person tells you or appears to like watch them and learn first-hand what they dislike and try to turn that information into a positive…  Cheers!


By Bigdaddy Blues

Sunday, July 26, 2015



I’ve often wondered why and also how love simply vanishes?  I’ve asked myself,

“If love can be so easily erased then it must never have been really established”.

This revelation led me to finally accept that what I had once imagined to be a promising affection was no more than a mirage.  I realized, (as we often do in the aftermath of a bewildering journey), had I examined it closer every detail would have led me to my final evaluation. But I had always been spot-on with this particular romance, or so I thought...  I realized however that I had enabled a half-baked promise to linger for nearly 6 years pointing it out victoriously each time but never plotting its outrageously intermittent infrequency on a tangible timeline.  Though I knew it was a mirage, a dead thing given life only by my desire to make it alive I never gave it a formal ending.  To do so would ultimately be the death of that once-promising affection even though that once upon a time was now many years past due.  My rational and sensible natures would not allow me to ignore the obvious contradictions between a growing human connection and a series of random events superficially suspended in an equation whose integers refused to close or balance.  Who was this person I had allowed access into my world 2 or 3 times a year and why or rather how could I have maintained such a sophomoric affection for a man about whom I knew virtually nothing?

“We love some men as we do a comforting mirage, we keep them as a handsome image stored floating someplace in our infrequent consciousness…”

The game played by some men who do not have the strength to commit with those who do is to oscillate in the background like a vintage film emulsion.  We see them flicker as a random frame of film but take no notice that that between each flicker are weeks, months and years of blank space… We fill the substantial interstice, the blank space, with the pure fantasy of how we would have liked to have developed a relationship but it is always only a precious little piece of emptiness if that is possible… Oscillation is a seriously dangerous social characteristic, it is a trait typified by behavior which continually moves from place to place because it is too unstable and weak to establish itself any place for a meaningful period of time.  Oscillators keep moving so they can evade observation; they always have an excuse to be inaccessible and they typically contradict their actions by dropping heavily laden language about love and commitment as if to balance the fact that they have neither time nor intent to cultivate either. 

“Love always leaves a positive imprint upon the lives of those whom it touches; anything negative is not the residue of love…”

Therefore, demand that a man with whom you would be partnered spend as much quality time as is needed to build a substantive relationship.  Love cannot vanish if it has never been established!  If you are feeling emptiness it is only because you did not demand a fulfilling relationship and having invested so much time holding the promise of love the only thing you find in your hands is wasted time… not love… because love has volume and energy… never waste time…  Since there is no prescription for love, when or if it should ever appear, you should focus on the building blocks of love such as friendship and trust, integrity because without these fundamentals love cannot grow or flourish…  You should accept when you no longer feel obliged to pursue a relationship because you have no evidence of love… but know also that love is not about sexual attraction, it is possible to be in love but not to be sexually compatible… love is not a literal phenomenon, it is as unique as your ability to understand it…

“love is not sex, it does not need sex in order to exist therefore never abandon true love for sex or because of sex”

The wide-world of possibilities leaves us dangling from a short-string of pure hope…  we can take that string apart and from it weave a longer, thinner string increasing our reach to where we desire or hope to go.  It is not about how much string we have for we will certainly run out of the short string eventually, hope is about the ability to understand what the string represents thereby replacing it with understanding and increasing our scope, our reach to infinity…



Thursday, July 9, 2015




Many Americans have been forced to confront their personal views about homosexuality now that the Supreme Court has unilaterally endorsed same-sex marriage.  Although the decision was overwhelmingly applauded by Americans as always there is residual camp of mixed emotions.  For some Americans the Supreme Court decision heralded a much overdue confirmation of this countries interest in upholding the civil rights of its taxpaying citizens.  Some Americans may have felt the Supreme Court decision forced an issue upon them for which they had strong moral, ethical and faith-based reservations. There can be no doubt that this historic event represents a complete re-calibration of the course of American culture from its heterocentric traditions, now made official. For those who oppose gay marriage/unions the days following the decision have been spent managing their frustration and in some cases anger.  While it is difficult to understand why anyone would become angered when long-denied liberties are finally gifted to others whom they know have been oppressed we must nonetheless attempt to see the world through their lens lest we succumb to the same myopic phobias. Like so many elements of American culture same-sex marriage/union is yet another phenomenon most people have far too little time to give careful and insightful consideration. The kinds of opinions that can result from a poorly developed understanding of any issue especially realities of the human condition are rarely worthy of our consideration. However, the fact that they exist in quantities sufficient to cause great suffering to others forces us to take them seriously. The twenty-first century has turned many working Americans into virtual automatons focused on paying for our brief but costly existence in this world with little or no time to really contemplate what is happening around us and fewer time and energy to do anything about it.  We are often rudely awakened at unawares to the shrewd dictates of powerful entities who have nothing but money, time and energy to force their agendas upon us.  Rarely does a grass-roots movement like gay rights ever gain sufficient momentum to effect political change.  Who would have thought 35 years ago when the AIDS Pandemic began to decimate the gay population by the millions that they would rise up to replace their grim preparations for certain death with a fresh optimism opening with their newly earned right to legal marriage and civil unions? How magnificently life has changed its course!

As a writer I must pose the question: 

“Is America’s attention span long enough to properly comprehend the fundamental and immediate change that legal gay marriage/union brings to human civilization”?

I ask this important question because I understand how impotent a law can be if it is not understood and philosophically embraced by everyone and by mainstream culture. Take as an example Emaciation which became eroded by Jim-Crow and other antisocial, pathological socio-cultural and economic practices that evolved in direct reaction to the freedoms gifted to Black Americans because there was no real buy-in by the very ones who liberated them. 

Gay marriage/union dissenters are clearly on the wrong side of the track forged by recent trends of the past 4 decades leading to the legalization of same-sex marriage/union.   Everyone who had been paying attention to mainstream American culture in the late twentieth and early twenty-first century would say that it had been clear for many decades that gay marriage was on the main menu and its energy consistently gained positive momentum toward its goal. It can be said that America's Procrustean struggle accepting the civil rights of Black Americans has enabled them to be more receptive to the recent freedoms won by the LGBT community in Americas courts.  Yes, indeed, the LGBT community owes its smoother struggle and success to the pioneering efforts of the Black American community whether it admits it or not! Likewise the American Civil Rights Movement which has had an overwhelming focus on the issues of Black Americans and other ethnic groups must concede to embrace the LGBT community as family, elevating them within their ranks as brothers in the same cause of humanity!  This is not an idealistic fantasy it is a recipe for success having the strength to unify allies against the forces of bigotry and hate in America, a culture that is very much alive and well and one that always capitalizes on the division of its foes...

For my second question i ask: 

“Is it possible to bring those who oppose gay marriage/union into the spirit of the age”?  

Same-sex marriage/union dissenters have turned their minds away from the big picture of contemporary human civilization back to a time that is no longer culturally relevant and that trend is a troubling phenomenon around the globe. There is an inherent problem with the ideological regression to a time when people were denied the civil rights they enjoy today because one cannot exist in both of those worlds without resurrecting biases that have been long buried in the past.  How could one justify the energy spent on a journey to resurrect old evils when there are more than enough humanitarian causes such as homelessness, illiteracy and poverty to entertain and nourish the soul?  As a man of 53 years I have finally accepted and respect that men who I must respect because of their freedom of choice, can and will chose a path of evil over good if for no other good reason than because they can. In times of rapid social and technological progress it is typical to see romantic movements arise aiming to balance what they see as an imbalanced equation tipped by a social phenomenon they view as evil simply by turning history backwards.  Such Nipenthean solutions which can be thought of only as “Social Romanticism” or more accurately, "Retrosocial Romanticism"can only delay, (if they make any difference at all), a major systemic change that is already set on an irreversible course toward realization.   


 Retrosocial Romanticism chooses to ignore and suppress important, mainstream movements in the evolution of human civilization which it deems to be evil in an attempt to create a Utopian reality where it's votaries can pretend to escape/avoid the influence of the "evil" word until they can either warm up to assimilating it's changes or resting change, stubbornly  perish in a self-imagined heroic act mortal rebellion. Flying the confederate flag 150 years after the Civil War was lost is a good example of Retrosocial Romanticism at its worst.  To many same-sex marriage/union dissenters it is not enough to hate or resent the legalization of gay marriage in America.  Human nature typically objectifies its anger through blaming setting out to punish the blamed.  I do not know why anyone would want to return to a time when other human beings were being  brutally oppressed other than to compensate their own insecurity but we must operate knowing there will be many cases in which members of the LGBT community are attacked as part of a backlash against their newly earned freedom. There are many historical precedents of this kind of reactionary social regression and it is always marketed as a benevolent and wholesome brand of conservative fundamentalism steeped in family and religious values.  Apparently,  these social malcontents have never considered whether murdering, discrimination against, and socially demoralizing their own brothers and sisters represents positive family values. Well, that is precisely why the laws have been changed and now comes the proving ground to test the ability of these laws to effectively protect those whom they were designed to protect.  It is idyllic and even naive to expect those who strongly oppose gay rights today to understand, respect and protect them.  There is and may always be an organized community of people who hate the LGBT community and blame them for the woes of the world.  As Black Americans have had to do so must the gay community accept this grim reality transforming it into a n incentive to overcome the odds. Within the big picture of civilized, rational thought neither gays or our legal system should be held to blame for the legalization of same-sex marriage/unions because the catalyst for this revolutionary socio-cultural phenomenon lay at the very soul of humanity.  This is why the American Civil War was fought so bitterly, it's passion to perpetuate or  to end one of the greatest evils of the world, human enslavement, was an evocation of the very soul of humanity.  We certainly cannot blame the human spirit for wanting to be free.  Even god knows that every man desires to be free. Because of incandescent events in human socio-cultural history such as the Emancipation of Black American slaves and the legal victories of the Civil Rights Movement we can truly say that some Americans know what it means to wrest their liberty away from tyrants to be free.  By virtue of their continual struggle these people should also understand that freedom is never free, it comes at a cost and that cost must be paid as long as freedom is enjoyed.


On the global scene gay marriage has been legally established in many developed countries for over a decade.  But the world has been eyeing the Supreme Court as a if it is a beacon of universal freedom, such at least is its reputation even though it might be argued that America home of the free has been resting on its laurels.  Considering its diversity America is way overdue regarding the legalization of gay marriage, (as it was with slavery, women’s rights, labor laws and civil rights), compared to other countries who courageously pioneered those movements.  If one makes the argument that this is because America is a conservative nation then what metaphor does one evoke under the judicial robe of  national conservatism other than institutionally entrenched racism and bigotry. The queer doubleentendre that is implied and evoked by he utterance or idea of American branded conservatism speaks for itself! American liberalism has had and will continue to have a formidable battle against conservatism.  The conservative movement assumes everything is Okay, it has falsely made that assumption with Black American and Gay rights...   Gays cannot be blamed for exercising their right to fight within the egalitarian legal system of the United States to win their right to marriage.  Black Americans cannot be blamed for diligently struggling to win their natural freedoms, human and civil rights. Likewise, the Supreme Court cannot be blamed for upholding its duty to ensure that the rights of all American citizens gay, straight or otherwise are protected and that those protections do not include treading upon the natural rights of others.  This leaves the blame, (if any blame can be made), on the American social structure for selling the flawed belief that only heterosexual people are worthy to enjoy legal marriage. 


Civil Rights Leaders have avoided the obvious relationship between the Gay Movement and the Civil Rights Movement for decades but the two are intimately intertwined.  The same socio-cultural barriers have haunted both camps yet the voracious with which western culture has demonized homosexuality over the past two-thousand years has rendered it philosophically impossible for the leaders of The Civil Rights Movement, (entrenched in judo 'Christian dogma), to acknowledge the clear brotherhood they share. To the extent that those mid-twentieth-century mistakes have been rectified by the Supreme Court ruling in 2015 both camps may now draw sighs of relief.  I like to marvel at the idea of same-sex marriage/union as an utterly unique and revolutionary event in human history.  As far as we know in the roughly 100,000 years that human beings have existed on this planet the issue of gay marriage has never been formally addressed by any civilization to the extent that it was codified as a protected right within their laws.  While The United States of America basically pioneered one of the first successful large-scale modern experiments with egalitarian freedom it has consistently failed thereafter to take the lead in many critical issues of basic human and civil rights, resting or perhaps sleeping on its laurels/morals.  By establishing a unilateral network of Retrosocial and Cultural Romanticism on July 4, 1776 America using media, militia and malice to sell the illusion of its sanctity successfully suppressed criticisms for over two centuries while it engineered and institutionalized an iron-clad system of racism against many ethnic groups contributing to its prosperity with whom that prosperity was not shared.  The American way became the patented hallmark for a style of racism and bigotry hidden beneath a pall of Americanisms which blatantly ignored racial, sexual and ethnic diversity and equality.  This engine of inequality is the product of a powerful social overlay whose foundation has been a hateful philosophy manufactured to support racism justified as divine right but masquerading as Christian fundamentalism.  To this extent, slavery, racism, sexism and the like have been perpetually justified and legally enforced by the laws of these United States.  After nearly 100 years of dormancy following the emancipation of Black American slaves the momentum of unresolved issues began to grow during the mid-twentieth century civil rights movement. Although suppressed beneath the issues of Black American freedoms the long burning questions of the sexual revolution including same-sex unions/marriage poised themselves for eminent discussion but were ignored.  A later iteration of national guilt for ignoring gay rights manifested in the weird proclamation marketed as, "Don’t ask don’t tell". This latent movement was a clear effort to suppress the incendiary issue of gaiety beneath a Nipenthean stupor.  There would have been no logical reason to ask Americans to suppress their feelings about homosexuality it if were not already an appetitive entrĂ©e on the social menu of the national mood.  Don't ask don’t tell was all about appeasement of the national mood!  Don’t ask don’t tell, make no mistake, was also a multimedia scheme designed to prepare America for the eventuality of same sex marriage sanctioned by the federal government. Fortunately its clumsy method of introduction did not plunge same-sex marriage and gay rights in general into a chasm of limbo.  The LGBT community was rightfully angered by its crudeness and this anger is really what launched a full-scale movement to get it right by going for nothing less than 100%. Ask or don't ask as you like but don't ask or expect me not to tell and if I do as a tax ping American citizen let the world know you've got my back!

Can we blame Clinton and the American government for managing gay rights with a clumsy agenda?  Not really since those issues had historically been considered absolutely untouchable and irrelevant.  Neither should we place fresh laurels upon their brows for paying on a long overdue balance. They acted because they were pushed by activists and by a shift in human cultural evolution so place that gilded diadem upon the brows of the common man! Agendas can be crafted to cater or to ignore an issue regardless of its importance.  It is arguable that it is equally problematic to bother recognizing an issue under an exclusive agenda but weaken it's power by dancing around the fundamental elements that give life to it.  Going perpetually around the mulberry bush ultimately causes the soul of the argument to seem virtually invisible.  In other words, if it was always OK to be gay as long as you didn’t admit it publicly its social culpability could not be rationalized least  of all condoned under the condition of sworn secrecy.  How could something be good only under the condition  that nobody knew it existed? This begs the question, “Why or how could it ever be acceptable  to pretend to be something you are not, (outside of the CIA), when everyone else knows you are pretending?  I know that “Don’t ask don’t tell” was theoretically designed to be a preparatory measure slowly warming America up to the reality that gay rights and marriage were a thing of the very near future.  I think the message was deliberately very shady, scary even foreboding.  I think that is why the LGBT community wrestled down this clumsy lead and pushed with all its might to open the door of freedom the right way honestly earning it at the end of a long and difficult fight.  People have a way of resenting something when they feel it has been sneaked into being behind their backs.  People respect a man who honestly states his intentions at the front door rather than resorting to barn-side circus antics to bamboozle them with see-through magic tricks. The law has fortunately always been clear even though it was never applied which is why the Supreme Court was compelled to legalize gay rights and same-sex marriage/unions.  The social mood of America has been allowed to founder precariously between a cacophony of irrelevant religious arguments which should have had no bearing in a country that only pretends to separate church from state if the state had actually bothered to live up to its claims.  The LGBT community has had to battle heterocentric cultural traditions assumed to unequivocally define the institution of marriage manhood, womanhood and Americanism in general redefining that spurious model heretofore epitomized as the order of all things. This is because America has created a socially bigoted culture and is now being forced to extricate itself from the ruins of a nearly failed democracy.  America it appears is being redefined again, its corrupt carcass is being ground down to a fine powder and the liquid vehicle of diversity is being added to give it neo-plasticity so that future generations can refashion it into something beautiful!  I hate to draw upon the image of the cracked liberty bell as a metaphor for a new reconstruction of American values.  But the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries have been like indomitable foundries melting every atom of that bronzed monolith of failed egalitarianism.  Now we await the fashioning of a proper mold to pour our molten freedoms into, casting a culturally relevant icon that America might again have a true symbol of liberty!


Written by Bigdaddy Blues

Sunday, June 21, 2015





When we speak of sex, classical sex, most people mean a positive physical sexual interaction between two or more human beings.  It seems that the pervading definition falls along traditional lines, “within a sexual act at any given time one person is the giver of pleasure and the other is the recipient”, so let it be temporarily defined.  Life is about nothing if it is not about both defining and redefining reality and what we perceive reality to be. Physicality, the human touch, appears to be central in our classical understanding of sex.  But the use of sexual accessories, inanimate objects incapable of any real psychical connection to a human being seem to break the flow of erotic energy, interceding a new and perhaps questionable dynamic into our concept of physical sex.  If sex certainly exists between two human beings can it also exist between a human being and an inanimate object?


During sex a person administering artificial stimuli  via a sex object does not themselves feel anything.  But there may be some emotional, erotic connection that somehow replaces the negative physicality.  How can this phenomenon be measured and more important should it be?  Is it an altogether superfluous concept?  By pondering the possibility that sex between a human and an object may be somehow aberrant are we delving into the realm of sexual bias and prejudice based on what we perceive as traditional sex between two people? Can we ask at what point, if any, does human sexual desire begin to replace the human element such that it no longer really qualifies as sex? At what point do we enter a sexual realm that closely approaches that of the Stepford Wives?


For as long as I have been having sex its intensity, its vivacity, its explosiveness was always been directly proportional to the person with which I was having sex.  It was their physicality, their touch, voice, olfaction anything and everything else was purely incidental.  But my sexual understanding is certainly not the benchmark of human sexual experience.  Who am I to attempt to define the threshold of human sexuality and its theoretical opposite?  Obviously I find it fascinating that some people can experience fulfilling sex without any human interaction whatsoever relying totally on a myriad of visual and technical/mechanical aids.  


I do realize that in some instances due to circumstances that we cannot specifically isolate here many people must rely on artificial means in order to achieve sexual stimulation.  Certainly it cannot be wrong for them to be able to enjoy sex as those of us who can do with another human being.  As I remember it was while conversing with a gentleman friend the thought occurred to me that at some point a person who enjoyed artificial stimuli might begin to disassociate themselves from all human interaction but still be able to achieve sexual fulfillment.  The burning question that hovered over my consciousness thereafter and to this day has been whether or not a 100% deviation from mutual human stimulation is sex?  Again, I put myself into check mate realizing that there is a population of humans who through some physical impairment or other cannot have what we call “Normal” sex and have to rely on some artificial means for fulfillment.  It would be inhumane to disqualify their experience as nonsexual!  And how on earth should you or I know anyway?  It is not our place to judge this phenomenon with such absolution.


Certainly a person who is able to achieve fulfilling sexual pleasure and/or orgasm completely without any human interaction is not a model of classical sex, so is what they are having actually sex?  Are there qualifiers?  A person who never, ever desires sex with another person, a person who desires human interaction 50% of the time, 25% of the time… what is the threshold of classical sex?  Hell, what is classical sex anyway?  Why would I even venture to ponder such machinations when it is clear that sex is just sex? Perhaps it is my natural curiosity about human sexuality that causes me to explore what appears to be the opposite or alternate of what I envisage human sexuality to be.  The reality is while I see sex as a simple equation of flesh to flesh that is just not the way many other human beings see it. The adjustment to reality is all mine to make!  Now, that alone forces me to realize that while I might ponder this phenomenon with a great imagination and openness it might remain a virtue I can never truly understand.  So I accept the possibility that I might be biting off more than I can chew or that I might be barking up the wrong tree and that I should perhaps leave this subject alone, but I won’t!  I will not be satisfied until I feel it has been thoroughly explicated.


You see there is no right or wrong here… definitions can be applied but at the end of the day sex is always going to be sex!  If I have learnt anything in my brief life about sex it is that it cannot be contained or fully defined, it is as unique and diverse as humanity itself.  It is none of my business if someone chooses to achieve sexual pleasure in the absence of any human presence.  Yes, there are certainly moral and ethical concerns that would immediately make sci-fi scenarios like the Stepford Wives absolutely inappropriate.  But after we have giggled the last scene away we realize that the Stepford Wives did have a sexual agenda, it was selling the concept of traditional sex over what it judged to be artificial sex.  It dictated to us that sex between two human beings is always going to be better than sex between a human being and an inanimate object.  For the most part I agree but tell that to someone who swears to the joys and virtues of artificial sex.  


We don’t have to enslave our spouses and modify them turning them into cyborgs in order to achieve sexual bliss but we should not discount the possibility that we may be able to appreciate sexuality with a partner other than a human being.  In the future this possibility may present itself and we as humans must be able to rise to the challenge.  Mark your calendars, it has been discussed here.  Yes there is a distinct deviation from the classical sense of human sexuality when men have sex with machines but sex has always been about deviations from the norm.  So my conclusion is that there is not a certain point at which sex is no longer sex, even if it no longer involves two or more human beings working together to provide one another with physical pleasure and emotional feedback. In the classical sense it is most desirable because that is the way humans have principally had sex for the past 100, 000 years as a species.  It really comes down to ones man’s preference being the deciding card.  So if you take the human element out of the equation, there will be no word of protest from me, I wish you all the best for when it comes to understanding what most brings  you pleasure I must leave that determination to you…  “NOBODY KNOWS  BETTER WHAT TURNS YOU ON BUT YOU”!





Monday, May 25, 2015



50 years ago a man was most likely to be married or seriously committed by his mid-twenties and a father by his late-twenties.  But the sexual and social and economic revolutions pioneered in America in the late 60’s and 70’s caused Americans to rethink the entire family institution causing the past 50 years to become a true experiment exploring its alternatives.  This meant the dissolution of thousands of years of tradition in which men were married at 16-20 years, fathers at 21 and grandfathers by their early 30’s; and expecting to pass into the ages by their late 40’s and 50’s; my how the world has changed.  Coupled with advances in modern science men are living longer and staying single longer, it’s a new day.

Ironically mature men live in a world that is still primarily focused on the issues of younger men and it is quite apparent that the realities of men 40 and older are quite different from those of their 20 and 30 something counterparts.  One of the most critical issues that somehow eludes the attention of sociologists is mature dating and relationships.  A young man has an optimism time can afford but a man who has already lived half of his life expectancy simply does not have time to waste through attrition with unlikely potential.  The problem is determining where there actually is potential, which theoretically should be a skill set an experienced man in his forties or older should have developed.  But alas the world is just not as perfectly balanced as the glass of Bourbon I sipped only a few seconds ago.  Many, not all mature men are overworked, overburdened with financial, health and social responsibilities and will honestly admit that the past 20-30 years of relationships have been a blur of misfit trials and experiments each time depositing them into a new seat of the same terminal of bachelorhood again.  After weighing out the good and the bad a mature man might conclude the only place of real peace has been the single life.  As the years gather themselves a single man has ultimately to think about his ability to manage his life against variables bought about by age. 

Growing older can be a potentially desperate prospect for a mature single man because he has to assess his ability to continue to mange his affairs.  He has to consider whether he desires to find relationship only a security measure to ensure he has someone to support him as he grows older or whether he wants to continue to search for a soulmate that will serve his functional and aesthetic needs.  Married to either of these choices is the social dimension.  As we grow older though we are mentally better equipped to manage most emotional issues love and the stress of a relationship, (whether it is one of love or not), tend to bear more heavily on our psyche.  Troubled and tumultuous relationships, breakups, etc., tend to age mature men faster than they do younger men not only because older men have less time to manage them but because their emotional investment is much greater.  Mature men generally have more psychical/emotional as well as financial/physical resources at stake and like most things that affect older people the process of regrouping after a cataclysmic breakup opens old wounds that are now slower to heal. 

Sometimes mature man get to a point where they figure it isn’t worth the trouble to start a new relationship that could potentially end up in failure, better to quit while they are ahead.  Others are so fearful that a breakup in their golden years will tear them apart emotionally spoiling their hard-earned peace, scarred by past experiences; they will face loneliness rather than open up what they see as a Pandora’s Box. 

Sometimes mature men are able to focus their optimism figuring they should be far better equipped to manage anything that a new relationship sends their way with their life’s experience under their belt.  These men remain open to change and pursue the potential of a new relationship as an objective experiment, taking into account but not obsessing about financial and emotional obstacles perhaps planning for both success and failure pulling only the positive lessons from the past.  These men approach new relationships the way they marvel at a virgin sunrise understanding there is only so much preparation one can make for the unexpected and therefore staying open to the promise of a new day.



Monday, March 23, 2015



As I remember, not that it has been that long since I actually had a date, of course… it occurred to me while deflecting a friend’s unannounced visit and still the revelation appears vividly in my mind.  It was the simple discovery that our bodies have a “Social-Clock”!  Yes, a social clock.  As clearly as I can explain a “social-clock” is an internal mechanism regulated by our brain to govern those motor functions that facilitate social interaction and it is directly responsible for our moods at different times of the day.  From that time on I would never take it lightly when someone told me they were a “morning-person”. For example, this means that their social clock may be able to perform certain social functions more efficiently in the A.M. rather than in the P.M.  Now getting back to my story, there I was relaxing Friday night at 8:00 P.M. when the phone rings. I hesitated to glance at the caller ID, there was absolutely no one who I wanted to talk to, I was just beginning to unwind.   It was one of my very close friends who was typically amped beyond all possible, (and reasonable), belief our moods were like night and day.  I instantly knew as he greeted me that his giddiness far surpassed my serene temperament.  I was relaxing with a tobacco pipe in one hand and a good whiskey in the other after a long week.  My body had already begun to wind down, enjoying the peacefulness of a quiet apartment alone at last having escaped from all the cares of the day.  It had been my intention to gently slide into a handsome-nap, after taking my libation and smoke, for as I mentioned before I had earned and had been looking forward to this quiet time all week long.  So I kindly informed my dear friend that while I would certainly have been more than pleased to entertain him had he called at an earlier time, our schedules were presently mis-matched as my dangling languor, even then, schemed to sheepishly escape merest rumour of his frolicking nature at all costs.  Ending our conversation I suggested that he conserve his reveling for the moment saving it to greet me in the morning when we might cut the rug together.  No revelation could have been timelier and the sound of the phone line shutting off could not have sounded sweeter.  His and my mood were poised at opposite ends of our social clocks, while he was just gearing up for a gregarious jaunt of social adventure I was winding down to enjoy the dwindling flickers of a solitary meditation.  It reminded me that one should always be aware of the windings of their social clock.

At that instant it occurred to me why some of my past dates had not been more memorable suggesting that with better scheduling against my social clock they could have been quite notable indeed.  My sin against the dating gods was all too clear, rather than decline what  my curiosity imagined to be a promising affair knowing I was already socially exhausted  I forced myself to placate my libido rather than my common sense.  No more would I accommodate anyone’s last minute date request late in the evening after we had both got all of our “must do’s” out of the way.  From now on the date would take priority as a must do and it should be scheduled  at a time that best suited both of our social clocks.  I have always had the good sense to schedule a first time date as early as possible knowing I am at my social best in the morning and the early afternoon.  Moving toward the evening I find that I am less motivated to summon energy for the considerable attention it takes to manage a successful conversation and to entertain a virtual stranger.   When I was a bouncer… umm I mean a “Floorman” I often told carousers that they should have stayed home because they were not feeling sociable before I escorted them out of the club.  That lesson taught me to respect my emotions and to avoid crowds and people in general when I was not in the mood to deal with them.  Let me make the distinction that work is one thing and your personal time is another.  Most people have jobs that require them to deal with the public to some extent and while you are on the clock you must be the model of politeness and attentiveness.  After the pterodactyl whistle blows, (a Flintstonian reference I could not resist), you are on your own time and there are some social phenomenon you can manage differently or choose not to do so at all.  I am well aware of the fact that as the evening draws closer to night I become cranky and drowsy, I am less interested in dealing with people especially strangers and more interested in taking some contemplative time alone. 

When we are substantially within the getting to know you phase of a relationship conversation typically takes a great deal more energy because both parties are still quite unfamiliar with the way their would-be lover works; it is a period of intense discovery.  Discovery, like most important things requires far more attentiveness than a standard well-oiled routine.   Anyone who schedules a date with a new acquaintance when their social clock is in the red has set up a potential for interpersonal disaster.  Ideally a date should be scheduled when both parties are full of vim and vigour but since everyone’s social clock is different it requires them to be smart and carve out a time that suits them both.  Anyone who has experienced a late night date that ended up with some half-baked sex and then one or both parties falling into a snoring stupor can relate.  So my best advice for a first date, (firsties) up to at least the 5th date (fivesies) is to schedule them at a time when both of you will not be exhausted from work or from your daily chores.  Since most people work between 9 A.M. and 5 P.M. this means scheduling the date for a Saturday or Sunday morning or lunch.   Lunch dates are always a good compromise because many people who are socially sluggish in the morning are in full gear by the early afternoon.   The problem with lunch dates as a first date is that they fall during a time of high demand and are often cut off far too short to be effective.  Late night dates are better suited for people with whom you have already vetted out the “Getting To Know You” phase of a relationship.   The better you know each other, the fewer questions that have to be asked and answered making it easier to intuit a person’s temperament and to enjoy the softer side of their personality.  In the final analysis a well-rounded social experience is all about being able to enjoy the intensity as well as the quietude afforded by an acquaintance with whom one is cultivating a companionship of increasing interactive proximity.

For people who are more refreshed and sociable during the first 8 hours after they awaken first dates are best suited for mornings, not after a long day of work.  On a first date a gentleman should be well rested and comfortably clothed so that he can be responsive and observant, accommodating and spontaneous.  He should not be overwrought by the cares of the day.  Weekends and mornings are typically best for first time dates because the getting to know you phase burns a great deal of mental and physical energy if it is moving in the right direction.  Dating should not be stuffed between convenient periods of unavailability.  If you look at your calendar and find that you have to force a date in your schedule you should not be dating you should be looking for a way to carve out time to have a life!  First time dates are when you most need to be fresh and alert because you are indeed shopping the other person’s personality and you need to know what is on the menu.  I have always taken offense when a person pushes the getting to know you portion of the date to the end of their day on a weekend or late-night on a weekday when they could have simply met me directly after work when we would both have been fully conscious.  When someone schedules a date at or pushes it back to the 11th hour it is a clear indication that they have not prioritized you or the date and plan to wing-it wasting both of your precious time.  A gentleman should never offer or accept a late date for a 1st time date if he has honorable intentions, (that is honorable platonic intentions), as it is disrespectful of the socialization process suggesting the intent is to mate rather than to date.  If a gentleman wants to mate he should make his intentions perfectly but privately clear.  Let the gentleman be clear about his intentions not confusing the two (mate and/or date) and there is certainly no harm in directly stating his intent if it is more sexual than social remembering that sex like socializing is best suited for a time when he is at his best.

The getting to know you period should last for as long as it takes (there is no formula or timeline to define how long) therefore each date should carve out of their social design a generous chunk of time so that neither party is rushed.  Even if he is really pressed for time (in which case he should not have scheduled the date) a gentleman should never rush a date after it has started.  Better to cancel the date beforehand in order to avoid confusion and frustration.  A gentleman should have had the thoughtfulness to have generously schedule his agenda as a show of respect for the other parties’ time and effort.

“You never know what important events your date may have cancelled or set aside in order to make quality time to spend with you so always respect the other persons time and hopefully time will also respect you.” 

There is nothing worse than when two people get into a good conversation demonstrating a strong social vibe only for it to be prematurely ended due to lack of time management.  So first dates should ideally be scheduled as early as possible and during daylight hours especially on weekends to show there is a true commitment and interest and calendars should be cleared at least 4 hours to accommodate a long and productive experience.  If you have a previous engagement directly following a date please inform the other party before scheduling it so that they can also arrange or accept engagements after your date expires.  I say this because many wonderful dates go well beyond the time they were  originally intended to span, you might want to lavish extra time to get to know your beau and it would be a shame if you or they were so moved only to discover that you have other plans.  That is a deal killer for spontaneity early on.  A gentleman never schedules a date if he knows he will be rushed, tired or preoccupied as a show of courtesy and if something does come up other than a real emergency he should decline it deferring and devoting his attention to the date.

After the getting to know you phase has been vetted out thoroughly a gentleman can plan dates later in the afternoon or evening.  Afternoon and evening dates are usually less energetically charged and can include more relaxed settings where both parties can enjoy one another’s company without continuous distraction, activity or conversation.  Scheduling a first time date in the evening always runs the high risk that it will be lackluster due to sheer fatigue.  After you become comfortable with another person it is possible to do more chill activities later in the day and even invite them over to your home to lounge and just enjoy each other’s company.  Before scheduling a late evening or late night date make certain that you actually have the energy to pull it off assuming the other party has been waiting up for you.  I personally enjoy late evening or night dates for cuddling and listening to music.  I prefer less conversation and more relaxation like watching a flick sitting outside enjoying the weather lying on our backs on a picnic table counting the stars or watching the clouds go by against the night sky.  Late dates can be lovely because the expectation is less intense, some late dates can even involve taking a nap together.  It really all has to do with each party being able to understand their social clock and putting in the time to coordinate them both for the most pleasurable experience.  Bottom line, in order to have a successful date a gentleman should understand how his social clock works and he should be mindful of the way his dates social clock can best mesh with his own…

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to understand your date’s social cycle.  Some people are more energetic in the second half of the day or even late evening or night than in the morning so it may be a challenge to coordinate schedules so that you and your beau are fresh and energetic at the same time so you can enjoy an effective vibe.  In the beginning you just have to ask them when they are best suited to socialize, after a while you will begin to get more familiar with the flux of their social cycles.  After you have been able to cultivate a successful relationship the next phase is to really understand your partner’s social clock so that you can get the most bang out of your precious quality time together.  It is also important to understand your partner’s social clock when planning events, dinner, vacations, etc.  All of this takes time.  If you respect your dates and your social clock you will find that spending time together can be far more enjoyable.  Obviously it is important to understand when there is an insurmountable conflict between your dates and your social clock.  Never force the issue, nothing is worse or more un-sexy than being tired feeling and looking tired on a date. Don’t be afraid to suggest that there may be some inherent incompatibility but also remember that if you truly like a person and want to invest in them you will have to sacrifice to do so which will invariably mean taking a serious look at how to best exploit your dates and your social clock.

. . . F I N . . .