Saturday, October 25, 2014


Michael Sam Breaking The Sexual Stereotypes Of  Pro-Football


If I had a date for every time another man told me he was afraid to hit on me because he didn’t think I was gay I’d probably have a date for a change… Whenever I hear this, and I hear it quite frequently, it begs the following questions:

1.    Really? You mean to tell me that you have waited how many years to finally approach me?
2.    What in the world did you miss when it became quite clear that we were flirting with one another? Did you think I was a straight man who just liked to flirt with gay men?

So I wondered if the answer could be that these men suffered from low self-esteem and just needed more convincing on my part, was it that they totally missed the fact that I was flirting with them or could it have been they were just flirting themselves and were not truly serious about connecting at all.  I wondered if they were afraid of rejection or that I would be insulted and call them out in public as a homosexual.  But the underlying reality, I feared, was that it was a combination of all of these and more… these men could have been ashamed of their own sexuality, and I said, “Could have been”, whether because of religion or some notion of cultural inappropriateness.  What I had stumbled upon may have been the naked truth that they had allowed their fear of how others might perceive them to blind them and prevent them from finding happiness… as the concept overtook me its gravity pulled me down to a bleak, lonely place where men allowed their fears to strip them of their manhood leaving them to lurk cautiously in the shadows.  This was not a place I knew or desired to stay and I understood straightway that any person who populated that hopeless dungeon of human existence could never be a man in the sense that I respected and therefore could never command the attention of my heart… I pitied such men but my inner humanitarian wanted to reach out and pull each and every one of them out of their self-excavated pit.  I checked my vanity at the door of this revelation hoping to gain a level perspective that did not put me in a better place than these men who were no less men than I.  After all, every man struggles with his own demons and fears and none of them is really any greater or lesser than any other one… like us they are all the same… all challenges equal in mangnitude…

Like a man who finds he is a rarefied breed living and passing as just anyone else I eagerly sought out those of my kind but found that even more difficult than following my pitiable would-be suitors into the abyss.  I asked myself if there was some code or password by which men of my kind recognised one another, a gilded emblem upon the pocket square, the color and species of buttoner in my lapel?  Certainly there was a secret order of such men but I having been too undetectable was not inducted into its ranks?

Marlon Riggs, The Father Of Black Gay Male Consciousness

And then I slowly discovered how many other men there were like me.  Masculine, intelligent, loving, and frustrated men like me who did not identify with the campy gay lifestyle of Christopher Street and the Castro.  Nothing is wrong with these sacred gay traditions and make no mistake that they are our cherished history and legacy but over the past decades since Stonewall the image of what is gay has transformed itself to include a much broader range of visages, we are extraordinarily diverse!  Finally I had found my niche in "Gaydom", and there were so many men like me, we were just ordinary men, not having to wave any flag but happy to do so if need be because we held our truths in our heart accepting full ownership of our truths.  We loved being men in the traditional sense but were being persecuted and ignored because of our unwillingness to assimilate into the gay milieu by assimilating the candy-striped hallmarks of heterosexual bias!  We recognised the importance of establishing the applicable hallmarks of our own shade of gay.  We did not contest or challenge the status quo as a negative, rather we expanded its credentials to include a demographic of gay man that always existed but had not been acknowledged.  We wanted to see our ordinary faces smiling in the gay parade.   Yes, we are red-blooded, bonafide gay men by right! We too stood up for gay rights whenever we were called to do so and ungrudgingly so as stewards of the civil rights of all men.  Our inclusion in the struggle only got misconstrued and ignored because we were not as colorful or exotic as the gay man haunting the fears of everyone who closes their mind to sexual and behavioral diversity. 

Essex Hemphill Contemplated Gay Marriage Decades Before It Was Legalized.
He Is The Father Of Gay Marriage

When I finally met another gay man with a similar experience it was astounding.  How did we find one another?  Why did we not simply pass one another off as “Just another smiling straight man”? What compelled two men who had altogether given up the search to open up their eyes and “See” one another?  We were instantly bonded by virtue of our shared dilemma, misunderstood, invisible, inaccessible, and incomprehensible; we were the wild card of the gay lifestyle and the image of where it is ultimately destined.  We represent the seamless assimilation of gay men into mainstream culture absent of the apt historic lingo and facade and stripped of the subcutaneous hallmarks as well…  Within the decade we have seen gay athletes breaking sexual barriers much in the same way that Black Americans broke racial barriers.  We are all brothers here and there is certainly no love lost for our happy family of beloved gay men from all walks of life whatever they call themseleves in our fabulously diverse gay community.  But they have long enjoyed their day in the sun and now it is our time to quietly share its brilliance.  We have always been here at the front line and now we can be seen standing beside each other to validate one another.  There is no conceivable end to this slowly brewing revolution of a new breed of gay men; its dawn is so exciting that I am committed to see it rise to full daylight!  Won’t you join me?


By Bigdaddy Blues

Friday, October 24, 2014



I’m just a simple man, managing simple fears,
Don’t want to own it all, just want a cold beer,
It’s been a tough day, could use a sweet night,
With a sexy brotha who can love me right,

His lips were thick brown, as they went way down,
It took me so high, my neighbors heard signs,
The floor went bang-bang, love is a good thang,
With a sexy brotha who can spend the night,

We woke up refreshed, inhaled the thick musk,
It excited passions we had not discussed,
Some connection deeper than our rough, brown skins,
Made us feel proud that, we were both real men,

We had found fulfillment for our burning desires,
We were the good wood; we built a modest fire,
We built a warm shed, and keep the wood dry,
So that our romantic love would never die…


By Bigdaddy Blues

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


These halls remember many lives,
echo the faithful streams of prayer,
the vows of lovers newly wed,
the last obsequies of the dead,

patinaed traces of golden years,
enshrine a dry, mouldering drear,
memorials to the beloved and dear,
are the ghosts of long-forgotten tears,

today each stone was whisper-less,
enclosing an expectant air,
like the breath-hold ere a kiss,
relieves love of emptiness,

sweet passion was the song,
in the vows of two gentlemen,
as a stained-glass promise it was oath’ed,
when, (etched in adamant), they were betrothed…



Sunday, October 12, 2014

WHEN LOVE GOES AWRY: (Who Judges Our Fate)


Is there forgiveness for mistakes we’ve made,
in the clear but innocent ink of guilt,
or clemency for hearts captively condemned,
to a doorless prison happenstance has built,
is there re-alignment for love that has derailed,
insurance for lovers who have failed,
which extended-warranty covers romance that has died,
what judge determines amnesty when love goes awry…


               BIGDADDY BLUES

Saturday, October 11, 2014



Each time I've championed our success,
I led the quest; you followed,
But that is half a victory,
My trophy, wreath of laurels,
Leaves no votive on your head.
.....Your move…

Each time I’ve cleared a way for you,
But never knew, your troubles,
My love has let your heart forget,
It’s wit, though courtesy,
May vouchsafe it isn't dead.
.....Your move…



                 BIGDADDY BLUES

Sunday, October 5, 2014




When his lips left mine,
they would be the first I ever missed,
and when his train was lost to view,
i knew, I was enamored of his kiss,

when his call rang-in,
i knew then, my heart could ache,
and that his voice would be my air,
for there was no alternative to take,

when he broke my heart,
i took so many years to mend,
but I still deeply loved that man,
and planned, to cultivate our love again,

when he calls my name,
it is not the same as it was before,
clearly something has been lost,
that is the cost of having closed the door,

when his lips touch mine,
they may no longer be the ones I’ve missed,
and there is no certainty,
that i will be enamored of his kiss…







Saturday, October 4, 2014

Harassment For Pictures On Internet Dating Sites


There are many reasons why men go to virtual dating sites; some are looking for love, others are looking for sex, there are those who simply desire to have conversation while some are simply bored having no objective other than the passing of surplus time.  There is another breed of men whose primary mission is the collection of photographic images of other people; I have always referenced these men as “Pic-Hounds”.   Whether or not the label I crafted to identify this population of online image foragers is legitimate or not is in fact not the primary topic of this discussion rather it is whether their habit, passion or obsession with the collection of the images of others is a problem that requires a cure or merely another common dynamic of human character.   The scales may tip in either direction; some argue that virtual dating and social media is a highly visual milieu and that pictures are essential to make up for what the displacements of time, distance and opportunity cannot afford.  Others argue that they have a right to maintain a visually anonymity online and that providing the basics in writing, which may include their physical attributes, likes and dislikes and other personal data should be sufficient to carry an initial conversation that may find a vibe for further exploration perhaps even offline. 

If only those irritating Pic-Hounds could just read or use common sense, right?  How dare them demand photographs of anyone in an impersonal, online context, especially photographs of a more private nature, what gives them the right especially if the person they are conversing with clearly does not have any posted for public view.  Well I am not wholly sure there is anything wrong with asking for pictures at all, there is certainly no harm in anyone wanting to see the person they are engaging in a virtual conversation, especially after the conversation has moved from a casual introduction to a more elevated form of communication.  At some point it is only natural for a person to want to verify if the the physical attributes advertised on another person’s profile are legitimate, right?  Well, there are always at least two sides to every story and who says that good sense is common anyway? Personally I do not think it has anything to do with common sense at all, rather, it has everything to do with the fact that these men whom we romantically call “Pic-Hounds” do clearly have a fetish of some kind for photographs of attractive people in general which may be expressed in any number of variations from pornography, muscle shots or just face and body images; every fetish serves a different desire.  There is certainly no harm in having a picture fetish as long as the images are socially ethical and by this I mean that the pictures are not child pornography or some other clearly socially aberrant genre of imaging.  It is when the Pic-Hounds begin to aggressively harass the objects of their desire that the problems begin, that is the clear threshold when they officially graduate from just another virtual beau to a dyed-in-the-wool “Pic-Hound”.  Some of my readers have mentioned their online acquaintances have demanded pictures of genitalia or of their derriere as a first form of communication.  Others have shared that they receive random demands for pictures long after they have declined them prompting them to block the requestor as a permanent solution to being hounded.  This begs the most obvious question, “What drives a Pic-Hound”?

So far I have not opined on the innate, nature of the Pic-hound or disclosed his innermost passions and obsessions.  I am however equipped  to access the home of the Pic-Hounds passion in the same way I am capable of relating to the way any man is driven to pursue something he craves or which brings him great pleasure whether or not it is erotic or sensual in nature.  For example, the way men crave money and power is not so very different from the way they crave sex and therefore similar to the way they crave photos of attractive people; a passion is a passion.  One might even go further to classify Pic-Hounds as “Collectors or Connoisseurs’”.  Collectors and connoisseurs are persistent and tenacious when it comes to the procurement of the things they most admire and so it goes with our Pic-Hounds which I can easily classify with our automobile, cigar, art, wine or antiques collectors.  I noticed this trend whilst visiting an associate of mine and spying their computer screen saver which was literally burgeoning with an inexorable pageant consisting of images of bodies, bodies, bodies, none of whom they actually knew but of course  that was not the point …  At that instant I realized there is no difference between the good old days when a man might have posted paper pin-ups of gorgeous women in his locker at work and today when he might post virtual images of men or women whom he finds aesthetically pleasing on his home screen; technology is the only thing that has really changed.

So this brings us full circle to the burning question, “How do you take the Hound out of our “Genus-Pic-Hound””?  Is it even possible, plausible or advisable?  Doubtless, the pic hound is a virtual social media irritant to us all but we must still argue for his right to pursue his passions!  Many of us have taken our good and valuable time crafting our own online profiles even including disclaimers intended to warn Pic-Hounds not to ask us for pictures but the reality is that, that may be all we can really do!  Outside of blocking the Pic-Hound from access to our profiles we really have no viable tool for reforming his behavior.  It may not be our place to reform the Pic-Hound or teach him proper online manners.  A Pic-Hound is free to break all the rules of gentlemanly, courteous, polite, social engagement; he may ask you or I for a pic, any kind of pic.  So the way to manage the Pic-Hound is not necessarily by attempting to teach him a lesson he will more than likely never learn but rather it is to discover a gentlemanly means by which to dispense with him when he comes begging at our door.  Personally I do not think there is any real cure nor perhaps should there be. Dispense with the Pic-Hound when he begins to harass you as efficiently and decisively as you would any other pest.  My advice is not to give these pests any more energy than they deserve but as a gentleman remain polite.  The first time they beg for pictures politely advise them that you will not under any circumstances send them pictures and clearly state your rules.  If you are the kind of person who has to meet face to face let this be known and remain firm!  If the Pic-Hound ignores your good intentions and persists to harass you for pictures then he will certainly get what he deserves,
 Which could range from a polite and firm rebuttal to a blocking. 

There are some instances when it is more difficult to manage the Pic-Hound with a distant and antiseptic text or blocking as in the case when he lives with you or is in a very serious relationship with you, when he is married to you or is otherwise intimately woven into your life.  I have encountered friends who married or became intimately involved with men they later discovered to be Pic-Hounds long into the relationship.  Again, if managed and pursued in a healthy manner there should be no real threat.  A man who is enamored of and has a fetish for pictures is not a villain and a Pic-Hound is typically but not always interested in collecting  pics and not in any physical connection with the subject but always be wary of exceptions.  If you find your partner is a potential Pic-Hound you certainly should confront him and discuss it at length taking into consideration the possibility that you are not being told the entire truth behind what is often a very personal and private passion/obsession.  This intimidates many people because it brings to light a hidden dimension of a person they love and had thought they knew much better.  They fear there may be more to the secret that has been kept from them when there may be nothing to fear at all.  In many cases it is the vivid and undocumented imagination of the person who discovers their partner’s picture fetish that causes what might otherwise have been a normal relationship to crumble.  In many cases the warning signs of a picture fetish are quite evident if one’s eyes are really opened.   Because most Pic-Hounds are harmless nuisances and because men with picture fetishes are mostly just collectors of images I would approach their passion with caution but not prematurely end what may otherwise be a perfectly fine relationship without giving the matter much careful thought and opening the topic up for discussion.  Remember that you must respect the right of your partner to maintain his privacy even within the context of your relationship to keep your healthy distances from one another.  Only you know how far is too far for comfort.   

Those of you who are becoming newly acquainted with anyone who might potentially be a Pic-Hound or picture collector and have not actually developed a tactile or stable relationship should gather your common sense and search your soul about what your true objectives are.  The truth of the matter is that most Pic-Hounds are not really interested in chatting or cultivating any kind of relationship unless it involves the provision of pictures.  That is what is driving them; more and more and more and more pictures from you and anyone else they fancy.  So if you are looking for a mate to cultivate a serious long-term relationship you have to be honest about your ability to be accepting of your partner’s fetish.  You must also upon accepting it understand the potential for it to move beyond the purely figurative to manifest itself in the objective domain.   If it is not your intent to deal with this variable of the human personality spectrum my advice is to simply inform them that you are not comfortable with their fetish and quietly move on. 

There is not cure-all for the human character most assuredly because quite often there is no real flaw to be cured.  We are what we are!  Humans are prone to demonize that which they do not understand or agree with but this does not make their dislike of any particular facet of human nature legitimate and it certainly does not mean that anything is bad or evil, immoral or unethical or psychotic.  We have to learn to separate our personal values from our expectations of others who are not bound by the same set of values we hold for ourselves.  We must be tolerant even when our emotions are stronger in the other direction.  We can live under the illusion that our lives are always an example for others but reality dictates otherwise.  Nobody is bound to our core values outside ourselves and even we are free to abandon them at will.  Men may choose to ignore the lives and examples of other men or they might not even be aware they exist! Life is an inescapably complex series of judgments,  mature men understand the fundamental role of judgement in effective human socialization; personal judgement must be both passionately embraced and  objectively scrutinized so that it can be administered on a level that respects the interests of everyone.  We should be asking ourselves is there a cure for misunderstanding, bias and prejudice instead of whether there is a cure for Pic-Hounds or any other human personality trait for which we have a personal distaste…