Saturday, November 29, 2014



As he spoke my eyes drifted up and down his firm, stocky build not like a searchlight or a spotlight but rather like mental x-ray gathering mapping data for later use…  I tried stretching our conversation feeling the tension between us, neither one of us wanted to leave but neither wanted to be the first to ask for a number or to pass a business card because it meant we might not follow up.  I didn’t want to leave that variable floating and wanted to eloquently affirm that we were no longer just “conversating” anymore, we were flirting.  But there is something in the male machismo that cannot acknowledge itself when that self raises questions about power, vulnerability and manhood as it might be seen in the eyes of others; it needs to exist but cannot or will not classify itself. It needs to be verified in the eyes of others. Until a man feels comfortable with his image and in spite of whether or not he perceives the reflection of himself is favorably mirrored in the eyes of others he wants to take precautions to conceal his truth perhaps conveniently inside an easily dissolved association or a convertible friendship that is both casual and sexually intimate whichever suits the purpose of camouflage.  It is ultimately a man's natural desire to keep intimacy private which he must more than ever reconcile with a society that has become more intrusive in its attempt to unravel the guilt and shame humanity has o'erburdend human sexuality with in the name of religion.  Admitting to be gay in spite of the fact that a man is a man in every stereotypical and natural sense of the word requires a different kind of inner strength that machismo cannot sustain because it is overly concerned with how a man is externally perceived. Admitting to be sexually attracted to another man in lieu of the immanent possibility that the other man may not be gay requires an heroic and fearless and patently mature brand of manhood that one cannot get by wearing a popular football jersey and memorizing sports trivia.  We both navigated through that singular obstacle, who will come out to the other first, who will be vulnerable first as if truth could be possessed of some kind of weakness.  The man who is able to confront his passion without having to fight his superego is the stronger man in the end because he is not weakened by the opinions of others!  So although we both wanted to say, “Hey man I think you are a sexy brotha and I’d like to get to know you better lets exchange numbers so that we can contact one another when we have time to focus,” we stumbled around the way people who do who do not know each other and do not have time to enjoy the first promising moments of a romance do.  Modern life has put love on a timecard.

“This is Jimmi Banks nice meeting you today in the Farragut West subway station.  I’m on the train to work now and wanted to text you before the day pulled me away from our pleasant encounter.  I’ll be off at 5:30 by the way that station is my transfer point so if you are around at that time maybe we can meet for coffee.  By the way I have to say you were so handsome this morning and I noticed that you were wearing Jean Patou, it smells so sexy on you.  Let me know your availability, if you are interested, by texting me back promptly.”

“Hi Jimmi, Brandon Scruggs here", the man wearing Jean Patou replied,  "and please allow me to return the complement, you were the handsome prince I saw on the platform this morning and it was so difficult to tear myself away and but for the early meeting I had I would have stayed longer.  Well I have another meeting at 6:30 but I’d love to meet you for coffee around 5:45 while I wait for my clients to arrive, we can steal about 15 minutes at least to chat.  I’m going out of town after my meeting but I’d like to have breakfast with you this Saturday if you will be free.”  See you at 5:45 at Baldwin’s Café; and yes I am wearing Jean Patou!” 

“Hi Jimmi, sorry I’m late, my clients phoned me with some last minute details they could have just saved for our meeting.  I see you already ordered for me, how did you know I liked heavy cream in my coffee and that I liked dark roast?  I’ve been thinking about you all day man, really, I wish I could take you with me to Cincinnati tonight!  I travel a lot for my job and I hope to close this account in Ohio in the morning.  If I can get that business closed by noon Thursday I’ll be on a plane back to D.C. Friday evening and in my bed by 8:00 Friday night.  So do you have any plans for Saturday morning, if not we should have breakfast on me handsome?” 

As Jimmi listened intently to Brandon’s calming voice it suddenly dawned on him that Brandon was married or intimately involved, he just knew it! So he rudely cut Brandon off in mid-stream asking him.  Jimmi went silent for about ten uneasy seconds during which time his usual confident swagger suffered an unexpected turbulence but as soon as he was able to assemble a partially reconstructed one it was time to go!  He promised to call jimmi as soon as he got settled in his hotel room puckering his lips as if in a goodbye kiss and disappeared into the busy rush-hour sidewalk traffic of tired office workers heading back to the suburbs. 

Brandon came by Jimmi’s house around 1:30 A.M. and with little conversation they immediately undressed each other and had some of the most beautiful lovemaking either of them had experienced in many years.  Brandon drove Jimmi to his job that morning having spent the night.  They made love of course, first thing in the morning and it was even better than the first time… strange as it may seem they bonded that morning in a way neither of them had expected and neither of them really paid attention to what had happened between them because it happened so darned fast!

“Hello Jimmi, just got settled in my room.  I’m having a late dinner with my colleagues and we are going to make a late meeting to develop strategies for the morning.  You’ll be the first one to know the good or bad news tomorrow.  Can’t wait till I see you again Saturday morning man, Cheers!”

“Hello Jimmi, I got the account.  Man we met from early this morning until 10:00 PM. so I missed my flight out of Cincinnati tonight but I booked one early Saturday morning, my flight will be arriving in Dulles Airport around 7:45 A.M. I’m sure I’ll be hungry as ever man.  Did you think of a place yet?  Let me know it’s completely my treat man I just want to see you in person again and not have to be watching the clock.  Be sure to text me back all the information so I can meet you there, this time I’ll be on time man.”

Brandon picked Jimmi up Saturday morning around 9:00 A.M. having just driven directly into D.C. from Dulles International Airport in suburban Virginia after his flight landed.  It looked as if they had finally got some time to enjoy each other’s company without any distractions.  They ordered breakfast at a restaurant called “Yo Mamma’s Kitchen” but decided to take carryout so they could eat in a more relaxed environment at Jimmi’s place.  In the back of both of their minds was the expectation of round 3 of their inspired lovemaking.  The food and the conversation seemed to be just a backdrop for what they were really waitig for which was to be alone and in one anthers arms.  Brandon ordered catfish’n grits and some buttermilk-cornbread hot cakes with a honey-maple syrup.  Jimmi ordered country ham’n grits with fried okra cakes served with an oyster crème sauce.  They were on their way to Jimmi’s townhouse when Brandon’s phone began to blow up.  After the uncomfortable silence begging the question that was never answered Brandon picked the phone up and entered into a neutral discussion that seemed to be about business. 

“Baby,” Brandon started,  “I have to take some luggage to one of my colleagues who is going back out of town at noon.  I forgot I had his bag in my car he left it when I drove him to his rental from the airport.  I have to take it to him it’s his laptop and credentials.  It shouldn’t take more than 20 minutes I’ll just drop it off to him in Arlington and turn right back around.”

Jimmi responded, “Okay, cool Brandon I guess it is what it is man, I’ve waited this long so what’s a few more minutes?  Just call me when you are headed back so I can have the food warm and ready in the dining room.“

Jimmi was clearly disappointed but the story seemed reasonable to him at the time. In the meantime he busied himself with some household tasks in the basement which he had long neglected.  While he worked he did not even notice how much time had passed.  Brandon had dropped him off at home with the food at around 10:15 A.M. promising to return in 20 minutes but  it was now 5:00 P.M. almost 7 hours later and Brandon had not even called him.  Jimmi had been so busy he feared he had missed Brandon’s call and immediately checked his phone for a text or call around 10:45 A.M. but there were no calls or texts from Brandon.  Suddenly Jimmi felt hungry and that is when he realized breakfast had been sitting on the dining room table all this time which he ended up paying for because Yo Mama’s only took cash and Brandon only had plastic.  “Dayum!” Jimmi said, “I knew that bastard was married.  He just forgot about me or couldn’t call me once he got home, back in the hotbed, he probably pulls this same stunt with a dozen brothas and always gets caught by his wife or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever! But I’m done! No more!”

Jimmi was hurt like he had never been before and it bothered him because he did not even know Brandon but he felt something strong and special with him.  He thought that every time he was hurt it was always different but the older he got the harder it was to recover.  Jimmy was only 42 but he had a great deal of experience in the life and everything he knew he taught himself.  He never had a mentor in the gay lifestyle and so he learned from his own mistakes and wisdom.  Fortunately he had come through life pretty much unscathed because he had such a positive and philosophic nature.  He thought on it for several days before coming to the resolution that Brandon was not going to ever call him or contact him with an explanation.  Jimmi was not a confrontational man but he was a man who handled his business and did so as a gentleman.  He realized that Brandon had committed the ultimate betrayal of disrespect.  They were not lovers thankfully but now it was clear they never could be.  Brandon’s failure to communicate with Jimmi, leaving him dangling was inexcusable, and Jimmi knew that no matter how much he loved Brandon he could not ignore this blazing red flag.  So, Jimmi decided to call Brandon if for nothing else shock value.  Brandon answered the phone from his hotel room someplace in New England or at least that is what he said.  Jimmi asked him why he did not return for breakfast and Brandon had no explanation to offer only a standard plea for forgiveness.  Brandon had decided not to get emotional, not to give in and not to go off because after all they hardly even knew each other.  The lovemaking they shared which had once seemed so special now seemed cheap and premature stripped of all the warm hallmarks of man to man perspicuity.  Jimmi knew better but he had somehow fallen in love.  He wondered if his having been single for so long had weakened his judgment?  He felt as if he had finally lost the iron-clad edge that had got him through his younger years unscathed, he had been worn down by time.  But there was still some strength in him yet and for this last chapter with Brandon he had to muster all of it.  So he told Brandon how hurt he felt and he advised him that he just called to bring closure even though Brandon’s actions had pretty much bought closure anyway.  He wanted to part on a positive note and he wanted to hear Brandon’s voice again but never again after that call had ended.  Brandon called Jimmi and texted him several times later then more and more sporadically until he stopped altogether.  Jimmi stopped dating not because he no longer could feel love but because he no longer desired to feel pain at the loss of love…



Sunday, November 23, 2014



i was certain the first time we met,
that if I opened up there would be no reason for regret,
what was honest I had no reason to suspect,
it was something in the way you loved,

i was eager to fathom your soul,
bold as a boundless force there could be no power to control,
in its promise there burned a mystery so feint,
it lay hidden in the way you loved,

time has weathered my patience for you,
true at this very time there would be no reason to renew,
but I’ve questioned just how much longer I could wait,
for something in the way you loved…



Tuesday, November 18, 2014


An ancient Chinese Phallic Tool (Jadeite)


Can It Be?

I know that it sounds petty for a person to cheat on their lover for the simple reason that their lover has cheated on them but when viewed through a more liberal lens it may be that cheating-revenge sex can actually be an effective therapeutic technique for managing the stress created by a cheating lover or spouse.   Reconciling a sexual breach within a sexually committed relationship is a complex undertaking that quite honestly just has never been effectively achieved within the rules of mainstream therapy.  I believe  it is purely possible for many established therapeutic and psychiatric techniques to be too civilized to ever be effective! 

An Ancient Chinese Two-Way Phallic Tool

After all, sex is a primal, instinctual thing that begins to lose much of its luster once it begins to become overly intellectualized.  Within a relationship sex acts as a critical balancing force of gratification.  No longer free to play the field, sexual partners must turn to one other in order to provide sufficient sexual energy to drive their respective libido’s.  This makes understanding your partner’s libido and being able to deliver the sexual gratification they need to function smoothly a crucial survival skill that is more than often grossly underdeveloped and under attended.  Small wonder then why so many committed relationships which are otherwise functional in every other respect end up having to manage the dysfunction of cheating.

Ancient Chinese Phallic Tool

Let’s just be realistic about the whole thing, monogamy is a huge sacrifice that none of us is forced to make or take seriously if not only because we are free to choose, to live and to act as we desire.  Every human being cherishes their sexual freedom and undoubtedly relinquishes it grudgingly, cautiously and therefore legally within the constraints of a marriage contract or some other facsimile that suits their situation! Many people believe that monogamy is an unnatural overlay of human instinct acting in direct contradiction to a man’s libido and potential to freely express his primal urges.   So the single qualifying factor that ultimately stays a man’s hand from opening the door to cheating on his partner is the seriousness he feels about his integrity within the commitment he has made.  His commitment and ability to remain faithful says in clear words, ‘I honestly value sex with my partner above anyone else”.  Likewise, the mutual agreement people make when they decide to become sexually exclusive says, "As long as we are both sexually and/or emotionally viable do not cheat me from my right to enjoy my sexual/emotional freedom while you enjoy yours!"

18th Century Chinese Phallic Tool

While we are being honest about sex lets contemplate the unmentionable, the unthinkable but unfortunately unavoidable prospect of sexual betrayal.   Because we go through such pains to negotiate what appears to be a fair and mutual agreement of sexual fidelity when our partner breaches this trust without consulting us it rings the very bell of doom! Anger is the single emotion that usually fills the void left by infidelity.  In the aftermath of cheating a relationship undergoes a complete reconfiguration if it survives at all.  All at once everything must be re-negotiated as if both parties are free-agents again.  They might come back to the negotiation table but almost certainly not under the same terms giving rise to the saying that “Certain kinds of trusts once breached should never be entertained again having proved themselves unreliable.”  I have always thought it a waste to break-up an otherwise good companionship over infidelity alone, that it was wise to break away from monogamy or even discontinue sex with one another completely focusing on and moving forward with the enrichment of a fine and successful companionship cultivated over many long years.  But that is a very rational and civilized solution which in most cases is far too reasonable to survive the anger, denial, fear and frustration in full froth at the time that infidelity is first revealed.   

Ancient Asian Phallic Tool

Given the intensely instinctual nature of cheating it is no small wonder that most conventional clinical methods of managing this phenomenon are utterly ineffective because their foundation rests on the naïve premise that somehow the human libido can be suppressed in a healthy manner.  We know the opposite is typically true, that once explored the prospect of sex outside of a relationship only begins to grow and grow far greater in the consciousness like a caged animal bent on escape! Standard clinical methodology focuses on preventing future sexual infidelity when it should perhaps begin to explore a broader indulgence of extramarital sexual activity especially to be applied in the healing of the partner who has been betrayed as a form of “Sexual-Revenge cheating” that I call “REVENGE-SEX THERAPY”! When someone discovers they have been cheated on the first thing they realize is how many sexual offers they have turned down when they might have experienced a far more fulfilling sex life.  As petty as it may seem the betrayed almost needs to have a series of casual sexual encounters with strangers in order to bring the tally up to balance.  At best it bodes to be an inexact science because while it may take one may 10 encounters to feel as if he has avenged his lover it may only take another man 1 or none at all.  Trying to set a number would obviously be too arbitrary to be an effective measurement of therapeutic benefit.  The best rule of thumb when employing the technique of sexual revenge cheating would be to just continue having sex with men other than your partner until you finally felt avenged.  As dark as it may seem to admit this, the technique of sexual revenge cheating works best when your partner is not aware that you are cheating back on them, it provides the comfort and edginess, the risk and shadiness which are all critical ingredients for an effective feeling of accomplishment in revenge…

Ancient Asian Phallic Tool

Sexual revenge cheating is usually only amounts to empty sex but physically and psychologically may help distance a person from the hurt of a sexual betrayal and used as such it is actually a good tool for emotional recovery.  Having used this method in the past I found that the more revenge sex I had the easier it was to dissolve my anger at losing out on all the "Good Sex" I had turned down in order to be faithful to an unfaithful partner.  Sometimes I might need to have sex with one or five people before I felt I had evened the score! Petty isn't it? But life is often quite petty and sometimes we truly have to do what we have to do in order to best cope with situations that catch us at unawares and hit us like a brick wall.

American Phallic Tool Late 1800's

It is my belief that the technique of post-infidelity recovery I have coined as ”REVENGE-SEX THERAPY” which is the plain and simple practice of applied “Sexual-Revenge Cheating” actually is not cheating at all; it really is all about evening the score, healing the soul, balancing the equation and expressing ones sexual freedom!  Sexual freedom is a huge concept.  It is possible to achieve sexual freedom within the context of a monogamous relationship but that freedom is always going to be based on a balance maintained by both partners.  When two people achieve sexual freedom of expression as a unit it means they completely understand one another sexually becoming an outlet for mutual sexual expression. But when one party holds back expanding their sexual exploration outside of the union the equation is unbalanced.  It’s not just about the cheater making certain that he fulfills his obligation to satisfy his partners sexual needs it is about the fact that he has introduced another variable into the equation affording him freedoms denied to his equal partner!  In my opinion the first act of cheating renders any covenant of sexual fidelity invalid freeing up the other partner to do as he desires without fear of being penalized for breaking a contract that has already been broken. 

Chinese Phallic Tool (Ivory) 1700's

It is an easy enough thing to gallivant on a lusty adventure of sexual-revenge cheating but there comes a time when the frolics must end and both mature adults need to address the reason why it was all necessary.  For the betrayed the real problem occurs after they have evened up the score suddenly realizing they have options and the person they were devoted to seems less like the prize they once imagined them to be.  They begin to reshape their esteem of their cheating partner rethinking the foundation of their commitment. What they may see before them is an exit route from a situation that has shattered to the point of no return.  That is the real risk of embarking upon revenge sex therapy. 

Antique Phallic Tool

Commitment is about a mutual respect, it is a complex balancing act that requires the constant maintenance of two fully operative individuals.  When that critical balance goes awry it is time to put your heads together in order to understand just what happened!  The answer could be an easy fix or it could be a total dump... in any event revenge sex will ultimately have a myriad of outcomes; for example, if the revenge sex was good it will remind you that your partner is not the best sexual match but he might have been a good emotional match, it it is bad it will remind you that sex is not the primary component of a relationship and will cause you to question the emotional commitment of your partner. Where you take it after that point is a matter of personal judgment.  In my own experience it usually has a neutralizing effect foreshadowing the end of the relationship and the beginning of a new platonic one.  There may be an interim phase established with an understanding of openness to seek sexual and emotional gratification outside of each other... at least until something unexpected happens pushing us in new direction or into opposite ones.  

Vibrator 1950's

The point of the matter is not to fail after your partner has cheated because you failed to explore a new dynamic that might suit the evolution of your relationship expanding it to an open relationship.  Furthermore, you should consider having sex with other partners outside of your relationship as a means of healing the deep wounds of betrayal and most effectively without their knowledge.  Before you embark on such a lusty journey you should certainly be absolutely sure your partner has actually cheated and that it is not purely a construct of your vivid imagination!  Never discount the effectiveness of non-traditional clinical methods for managing infidelity especially since statistically it is quite obvious these traditional methods do not work and have never been challenged for obvious legal and social reasons.  Open your mind to the possibility that “REVENGE-SEX THERAPY” applied through the implementation of managed “Sexual-Revenge Cheating” can heal the potentially devastating effects of sexual betrayal and may actually help in the natural evolution of an otherwise stable companionship into a new and open relationship style…

Antique French Sex Chaise 1700's



Monday, November 10, 2014



each time i made what i hoped was love i'd trust
it was a sign of progression,
now this accounts for how earnestly i tried,
for my patient disappointment with uncovered lies,
for the mixed accomplishment and loneliness i'd hide,
beneath an humility that fortified my pride,
but each time i made what i thought was love it was just 
another erotic session…

By Bigdaddy Blues

Sunday, November 9, 2014



Your presence moved me to a schoolboy crush,
holding cards that opened into a royal flush,
your lips raised stakes even the dealer missed,
it all played out in a quick and dirty hush,

Your aces turned out to be full of game,
the other players hands were full of blame,
they’d hold out for as long as they could fold,
until you swallowed them up in shame,

with me, the stakes soared higher than they had ever been,
you’d raise them and I’d elevate the game again,
the spark or its annuity has set a different course,
leaving only one way to go and so I am all in….

By Bigdaddy Blues

Friday, November 7, 2014



Love was never funny before I laughed with you,
before you, silence had never been a song,
beside you life is so full I’ve so much left over f rom you,
without you, it is so clear to see where I belong…