Can It Be?
I know that it sounds petty for a person to cheat on their lover for the simple reason that their lover has cheated on them but when viewed through a more liberal lens it may be that cheating-revenge sex can actually be an effective therapeutic technique for managing the stress created by a cheating lover or spouse. Reconciling a sexual breach within a sexually committed relationship is a complex undertaking that quite honestly just has never been effectively achieved within the rules of mainstream therapy. I believe it is purely possible for many established therapeutic and psychiatric techniques to be too civilized to ever be effective!
|An Ancient Chinese Two-Way Phallic Tool|
After all, sex is a primal, instinctual thing that begins to lose much of its luster once it begins to become overly intellectualized. Within a relationship sex acts as a critical balancing force of gratification. No longer free to play the field, sexual partners must turn to one other in order to provide sufficient sexual energy to drive their respective libido’s. This makes understanding your partner’s libido and being able to deliver the sexual gratification they need to function smoothly a crucial survival skill that is more than often grossly underdeveloped and under attended. Small wonder then why so many committed relationships which are otherwise functional in every other respect end up having to manage the dysfunction of cheating.
Let’s just be realistic about the whole thing, monogamy is a huge sacrifice that none of us is forced to make or take seriously if not only because we are free to choose, to live and to act as we desire. Every human being cherishes their sexual freedom and undoubtedly relinquishes it grudgingly, cautiously and therefore legally within the constraints of a marriage contract or some other facsimile that suits their situation! Many people believe that monogamy is an unnatural overlay of human instinct acting in direct contradiction to a man’s libido and potential to freely express his primal urges. So the single qualifying factor that ultimately stays a man’s hand from opening the door to cheating on his partner is the seriousness he feels about his integrity within the commitment he has made. His commitment and ability to remain faithful says in clear words, ‘I honestly value sex with my partner above anyone else”. Likewise, the mutual agreement people make when they decide to become sexually exclusive says, "As long as we are both sexually and/or emotionally viable do not cheat me from my right to enjoy my sexual/emotional freedom while you enjoy yours!"
|18th Century Chinese Phallic Tool|
While we are being honest about sex lets contemplate the unmentionable, the unthinkable but unfortunately unavoidable prospect of sexual betrayal. Because we go through such pains to negotiate what appears to be a fair and mutual agreement of sexual fidelity when our partner breaches this trust without consulting us it rings the very bell of doom! Anger is the single emotion that usually fills the void left by infidelity. In the aftermath of cheating a relationship undergoes a complete reconfiguration if it survives at all. All at once everything must be re-negotiated as if both parties are free-agents again. They might come back to the negotiation table but almost certainly not under the same terms giving rise to the saying that “Certain kinds of trusts once breached should never be entertained again having proved themselves unreliable.” I have always thought it a waste to break-up an otherwise good companionship over infidelity alone, that it was wise to break away from monogamy or even discontinue sex with one another completely focusing on and moving forward with the enrichment of a fine and successful companionship cultivated over many long years. But that is a very rational and civilized solution which in most cases is far too reasonable to survive the anger, denial, fear and frustration in full froth at the time that infidelity is first revealed.
|Ancient Asian Phallic Tool|
Given the intensely instinctual nature of cheating it is no small wonder that most conventional clinical methods of managing this phenomenon are utterly ineffective because their foundation rests on the naïve premise that somehow the human libido can be suppressed in a healthy manner. We know the opposite is typically true, that once explored the prospect of sex outside of a relationship only begins to grow and grow far greater in the consciousness like a caged animal bent on escape! Standard clinical methodology focuses on preventing future sexual infidelity when it should perhaps begin to explore a broader indulgence of extramarital sexual activity especially to be applied in the healing of the partner who has been betrayed as a form of “Sexual-Revenge cheating” that I call “REVENGE-SEX THERAPY”! When someone discovers they have been cheated on the first thing they realize is how many sexual offers they have turned down when they might have experienced a far more fulfilling sex life. As petty as it may seem the betrayed almost needs to have a series of casual sexual encounters with strangers in order to bring the tally up to balance. At best it bodes to be an inexact science because while it may take one may 10 encounters to feel as if he has avenged his lover it may only take another man 1 or none at all. Trying to set a number would obviously be too arbitrary to be an effective measurement of therapeutic benefit. The best rule of thumb when employing the technique of sexual revenge cheating would be to just continue having sex with men other than your partner until you finally felt avenged. As dark as it may seem to admit this, the technique of sexual revenge cheating works best when your partner is not aware that you are cheating back on them, it provides the comfort and edginess, the risk and shadiness which are all critical ingredients for an effective feeling of accomplishment in revenge…
|Ancient Asian Phallic Tool|
Sexual revenge cheating is usually only amounts to empty sex but physically and psychologically may help distance a person from the hurt of a sexual betrayal and used as such it is actually a good tool for emotional recovery. Having used this method in the past I found that the more revenge sex I had the easier it was to dissolve my anger at losing out on all the "Good Sex" I had turned down in order to be faithful to an unfaithful partner. Sometimes I might need to have sex with one or five people before I felt I had evened the score! Petty isn't it? But life is often quite petty and sometimes we truly have to do what we have to do in order to best cope with situations that catch us at unawares and hit us like a brick wall.
It is my belief that the technique of post-infidelity recovery I have coined as ”REVENGE-SEX THERAPY” which is the plain and simple practice of applied “Sexual-Revenge Cheating” actually is not cheating at all; it really is all about evening the score, healing the soul, balancing the equation and expressing ones sexual freedom! Sexual freedom is a huge concept. It is possible to achieve sexual freedom within the context of a monogamous relationship but that freedom is always going to be based on a balance maintained by both partners. When two people achieve sexual freedom of expression as a unit it means they completely understand one another sexually becoming an outlet for mutual sexual expression. But when one party holds back expanding their sexual exploration outside of the union the equation is unbalanced. It’s not just about the cheater making certain that he fulfills his obligation to satisfy his partners sexual needs it is about the fact that he has introduced another variable into the equation affording him freedoms denied to his equal partner! In my opinion the first act of cheating renders any covenant of sexual fidelity invalid freeing up the other partner to do as he desires without fear of being penalized for breaking a contract that has already been broken.
|Chinese Phallic Tool (Ivory) 1700's|
It is an easy enough thing to gallivant on a lusty adventure of sexual-revenge cheating but there comes a time when the frolics must end and both mature adults need to address the reason why it was all necessary. For the betrayed the real problem occurs after they have evened up the score suddenly realizing they have options and the person they were devoted to seems less like the prize they once imagined them to be. They begin to reshape their esteem of their cheating partner rethinking the foundation of their commitment. What they may see before them is an exit route from a situation that has shattered to the point of no return. That is the real risk of embarking upon revenge sex therapy.
|Antique Phallic Tool|
Commitment is about a mutual respect, it is a complex balancing act that requires the constant maintenance of two fully operative individuals. When that critical balance goes awry it is time to put your heads together in order to understand just what happened! The answer could be an easy fix or it could be a total dump... in any event revenge sex will ultimately have a myriad of outcomes; for example, if the revenge sex was good it will remind you that your partner is not the best sexual match but he might have been a good emotional match, it it is bad it will remind you that sex is not the primary component of a relationship and will cause you to question the emotional commitment of your partner. Where you take it after that point is a matter of personal judgment. In my own experience it usually has a neutralizing effect foreshadowing the end of the relationship and the beginning of a new platonic one. There may be an interim phase established with an understanding of openness to seek sexual and emotional gratification outside of each other... at least until something unexpected happens pushing us in new direction or into opposite ones.
The point of the matter is not to fail after your partner has cheated because you failed to explore a new dynamic that might suit the evolution of your relationship expanding it to an open relationship. Furthermore, you should consider having sex with other partners outside of your relationship as a means of healing the deep wounds of betrayal and most effectively without their knowledge. Before you embark on such a lusty journey you should certainly be absolutely sure your partner has actually cheated and that it is not purely a construct of your vivid imagination! Never discount the effectiveness of non-traditional clinical methods for managing infidelity especially since statistically it is quite obvious these traditional methods do not work and have never been challenged for obvious legal and social reasons. Open your mind to the possibility that “REVENGE-SEX THERAPY” applied through the implementation of managed “Sexual-Revenge Cheating” can heal the potentially devastating effects of sexual betrayal and may actually help in the natural evolution of an otherwise stable companionship into a new and open relationship style…
Written By: BIGDADDY BLUES