OPENING A TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY KIND OF LOVE: A UNIQUE PLACE FOR MATURE MEN TO LIVE... : INSURANCE POLICIES FOR THE NUPTIALLY BLIND…

INSURANCE POLICIES FOR THE NUPTIALLY BLIND…

We may never know why men cheat on their lover’s, it is enough to know that they have done so since the beginning of all reckoning which leads to the sober conclusion that there will be no eminent end to this long standing tradition. It may be more helpful to understand why they are infamously successful in any event. So allow me to begin this discourse by asking you, the reader, to answer one simple question: “What is the one thing all cheaters have in common?” Take 30 seconds to think before answering and those who wish to pour a cocktail before responding get extra time as follows:

BONUS COCKTAIL POINTS: (each point measured in seconds)

a) A mixed-cocktail with 1 shot of liquor = 30 extra seconds.

b) A mixed-cocktail with 2 or more shots of liquor = 60 extra seconds, (add 20 sec. per additional shot).

c) A straight shot or iced of liquor = 40 extra seconds.

d) Each additional straight or iced shot = 30 sec. per additional shot over the first shot.

e) Each beer/wine glass = 30 seconds, (1 pint = 40 seconds), and each additional beer earns 30 sec.

f) Absinthe = 80 seconds per dose.

Okay, back to the subject at hand.

Cheaters are not exceptionally endowed with intelligence by any stretch of the imagination; in fact, I will personally venture to say that most of them, to the contrary, measure well below mediocre intelligence. What many cheaters have going for them is a common sense of self-entitlement, (or selfishness in layman’s terms), that drives them to unexpected depths of depravity combined with an investment in an iron-clad policy of what might be called, “Blind Insurance”. A cheater takes out a Blind Insurance Policy on his lover at his unawares. The betrayed actually buys into each and every clause, condition and term of the Blind Insurance policy without ever knowing it. Sound familiar? If so they you have at some time been at either end of the equation as the cheater or the cheated!

Allow me to place our discussion on pause so that my readers can tally up the bonus-cocktail points they have so gallantly earned. Depending on how much you have ingested points accrued may widely vary. Please do add them up now for your author. I have long contemplated a general grading scale for this exercise and have determined that bonus points will be rewarded as follows:

1. 30 points/seconds = Average Thinker (Poplar Level)

2. 50 – 70 points/seconds = Insightful Thinker (Junior Inspiration, Pine Level)

3. 90 - 150 points/seconds = Inspired Intellectual (Manly Discernment Walnut Level)

4. 170 or greater points/seconds = Brilliant Intellectual (Gentlemanly Mahogany Level)

If all of this business about Blind Insurance is an immense mystery to you they either you have not earned enough points and need to revisit paragraph one, lines 5 and 6 respectively or you have had the great fortune of never having been cheated on, (to your knowledge), or have never cheated on anyone, (and given it any thought). In any event, let us now examine the dark mysteries of cheating setting our shot glasses, our aperitif glasses, our snifters, our beer mugs, our wine glasses and our flagons aside…

No cheater can operate a successful enterprise unless he can earn the buy-in of his prey. Whether this buy-in is the stuff of a fool’s paradise or simply the apathy of a lover who, equally deceitful, is cheating in kind or some other unholy permutation of these extremes it all qualifies as a very insidious policy dedicated to the insurance and encouragement of a general state or condition of blindness with respect to the reality of the situation at hand. Once again in layman’s terms this means that one of both parties is heavily invested in the creation, perpetuation and or ignorance of a false fidelity! This simply cannot be said a more basic language. It is too ironic to imagine entire books being devoted to this honest truth when it can be expressed in so few words. Not one for brute efficacy when eloquence can be bent to a good cause I must nonetheless make this gentlemanly argument for the virtue of perspicacity!

There may be an untapped market in the area of Insurance policies for the nuptially blind. Cheaters would do well to invest in such a policy to ensure they will avoid detection and to cover the inevitable expenses of an untimely exposure. For cheaters an nuptial blindness insurance package would cover such expenses as eviction, medical expenses, legal and storage expenses as well as expenses associated with moving and re-establishing a place of residence at short notice. Likewise, hopeless romantics might invest in this keepsake to manage everything from legal costs, relocation costs, mental therapy costs, new locks, bail bond for crimes committed against their ex’s, etc., etc., etc. Nuptially blind insurance is a boon for all parties involved; it just takes a bit of creativity. With the rising number of breakups it makes sense for relationships teetering on the brink of disaster to invest in some form of game plan that will help them manage the unexpected and costly expenses of a breakup including the mental loads they will incur.

As a closing statement, let me leave the weightiness of our discussion of the human psyche, the psychology and vestments of infidelity to the wit of my gloriously enlightened readers and venture back to a subject far more palatable, that of liberating libations… My offering is this:

“WHILE THERE IS NO SHAME IN THE MEDICORE, LET US ALL ASPIRE TO BRILLIANCE!”

Specifically, Let us now feel free to contemplate what has been revealed and look to increase our points especially if they remain in the primary woods, poplar and pine and shift to the finer veneers of walnut and mahogany. Let us take time to bring our points up to 150 or greater for the further contemplation of this exercise.

As a final exercise please, when commenting on this article, include what point level has inspired your insight!

CHEERS!