Sunday, December 15, 2013



When you are dating it is essential to have a well-developed and tested social management strategy.  If you do not yet have one there is no time like the present to begin a rough outline for future dating success.   Remember that first and foremost a relationship is about communication and at the dating phase the cohesive elements that typify a positive relationship do not yet exist.  That being said, you must be exceptionally coherent, observing the behavior of your date and consciously taking notes for future reference.  It is perfectly fine if the communication level does not meet your expectation on the first date but it should at least be above 75% otherwise you might consider not having a second date or if so make it a priority to clarify any communications issues on the second date.  This does not mean that you are analyzing your date as if he is some kind of laboratory experiment, you must extract the data you need and still remain personable, warm, charming and genuine.  You need to have a strategy that allows you to navigate the first as well as any subsequent dates including the grey area between dating and a formal relationship. 

When you go on a date you should come to the dinner table already full.  Never enter a date in a sexually and emotionally hungry state; know the difference between a data and a mate and pursue each option accordingly.  If you plan to have a date then you should not be looking for sex and you should manage any sexual topic, nonverbal or physical sexual advancements accordingly so that a date remains a date.  Once you cross the threshold, (if you do cross it), and there is no problem with doing so if you choose, you should be aware that you are no longer just dating; you are mating.  In the real world this is difficult for many men to do especially if there is a strong sexual attraction and an opportunity for it to be exploited.   The bottom line is if it is your intention to get to know about a person, you have to actually commit to doing it and carry it out!  So if you hop into the sack with someone before you get to know them do not despair, just make a mental note of it and set about the task of following-up at another time.  If another time turns into weeks, months or more and you find that you are only having sexual encounters with little communication you might need to re-evaluate your intentions as well as those of your mate. 

The primary and fundamental necessity of any date is communication and attentiveness.  If you or your date come to a point where you are no longer communicating or become so distracted that you are no longer participating or attentive to one another it is time to refocus or terminate the date altogether.  For instance, if you find that you are on a date and your beau has a roving eye, is engaged with everyone around you but not with you and/or even pulls random or familiar people into your circle for extensive discussions leaving you blocked out then it is safe to say he is not really focused on you and why continue to be humiliated and ignored.  Politely excuse yourself without creating a confrontation allowing him exclusive time to focus on his diversions which brings up another rule.  Never go to a remote location on a first date or anywhere from which you will have difficulty returning home or to a place of familiarity.  Never go on a date broke or without any money.  Always plan for the “What If’s” so that you have a well-oiled exit plan in case things go bad.  This does not mean that you are preconceiving disaster; it just means that you have given yourself freedom to leave a bad situation if one should occur.  Never allow anyone to ignore or disrespect you on a date and understand what things you qualify as being ignored and disrespected ahead of time.  Incidentally, when a man has disrespected you as a gentleman you should not engage him or enter into polemics or physicality of any kind, just politely excuse yourself and leave, informing him that you are leaving and paying your end of any bill or tab, returning any property and offering him cab or transit fare if you know he has no means of transportation and then your obligations are fulfilled.  The one thing you do owe a date and that he owes you are genuine attentiveness and respect and this means no cell phones, notebooks, laptops, etc., should compete with the person on the opposite side of the table.  If you or your date cannot sacrifice the world of personal and global media for a half hour or more it speaks to a serious deficiency in attentiveness that will probably only grow worse.  This opens the door for yet another good dating rule of thumb.  If you do not really have time to devote to getting to know someone postpone the date to a time when you will be able to give them 100% of your undivided attention; never waste anyone else’s valuable time they have set aside to get to know you. 

So if we use the dinner table as a metaphor for dating then it is always best to arrive having already eaten so that you can spare attention to the meal in order to lavish it on the guest.  You could always eat alone, but if you decide to have company you’ll need more food as a courtesy for friends who would otherwise have no difficulty getting a meal.  The meal is secondary to the social interaction of your company and that is what makes the event magical, memorable.  A date is like a dinner party where the food, though amazing, is secondary to the company which shares it.  Communication is the interpersonal dynamic that creates brilliance drawn from the affective domain.  Aside from all the other potential offerings of the social banquet we know as human socialization the main purpose of dating is to get to know one another and in order to do this you must be focused on one thing, communication, so there is some merit to the art of coming to the dinner table already full!

Written by David Vollin

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