Friday, May 30, 2014



Because we humans are social organisms effective communications skills are hugely important in the most intimate area of our lives, our love life.  Whether a man visualizes himself as a playboy or serious monogamous type he will find that skillful communications will always be the default for a stress free coexistence.  There are many different types of intimate relationships but they all require the same three essential communications elements to be in place; including a realistic mutual understanding of and agreement with the relationship goals and objectives, licenses and limitations and a sound framework with which to measure the integrity of the affective/emotional covenant. 


  • ·         Relationship Goals and Objectives
  • ·         Relationship Licenses and Limitations
  • ·         Affective/Emotional  Covenant Integrity


Every relationship must have goals and objectives even if they are only applicable for a few minutes of pleasure or social interaction.  The more evolved the relationship is the more complex its goals and objectives will be.   Generally, one can set a simple set of goals and objectives using the example below.  Because we continually change and mature the goals and objectives relevant to a relationship necessarily change.  Whether the parties in a relationship are able to successfully track the evolution of these goals and objectives will ultimately define how well they communicate.  Many people will tell you that they had excellent communication at the beginning of their association but that it gradually deteriorated.  The goals and objectives of a young relationship are not the same as an intermediate or mature one… this is just common sense.  Somebody and preferably both parties have to take the initiative to address this by scheduling regular sessions where they revisit the relationship goals and objectives and if they are creative in doing so, having dinner at home, going to a resort for the weekend, it should enable them to keep up with how their relationship changes.  Let me suggest that when goals and objectives or any critical communications is discussed that it be in the most intimate of settings away from outside interference to allow both parties to focus on each other. 


GOAL #1:                             TO DEVELOP A STRONG COMPANIONSHIP 
GOAL #2:                             TO REACH ORGASM VIA INTERCOURSE

The goal is always generally declared using the “TO BE” form quite literally stating what you intend your goal to be, for example: to develop to establish; to explore; etc.  The objective establishes a solid and measurable strategy using the “BY DOING” form specifically outlining the strategy with which you intend to accomplish the goal, for example:  By asking what satisfies my partner most; by sharing a common dwelling; by determining if he/she is open to penetration; by sharing the utility bill; by informing my partner I prefer only to penetrate him/her without reciprocation, etc.  Establishing clearly defined goals and objectives creates a mapping system with which both partners in a relationship can navigate the difficult landscape of their relationship, track their progress and identify any missed or underdeveloped features.  Here is another good example of the “Goals and Objectives” method of communications:

“In order to improve communications with my partner regarding our sexual compatibility and understanding of one another’s desires we have decided to devote quality time relaxing together and sharing our fantasies with the intention of playing them out together”

This is the easiest method of tackling complex communications barriers.  By identifying the goal of understanding one another’s sexual likes and dislikes and mapping out ways to accomplish it by sharing fantasies and acting those out both parties are suddenly engaged in positive communications about the very thing which had become a barrier to their relationship. 

So the formula is simple, first set your goals then define how to achieve them by outlining your objectives and after experimenting by implementing the objectives you make a quality assessment to determine if you both felt you met the goal, if the objectives need to be redefined, etc., etc., etc.


Of course every goal and objective must be reasonable.  For example, if you discover that one partner does has a strong objection to doing something, rather than to force them into compliance which would be unreasonable, it would be more realistic and therefore reasonable to develop a strategy that did not require one partner to do whatever he objected to.   It would then be necessary to find a way to allow the other partner to enjoy whatever it is that is important to him without encroaching upon his partner who does not enjoy it.   The goals and objectives method does not assume that any problem can be solved; it is only a tool to enable communication so that the problem can be objectively identified, examined and troubleshot by both parties.


All relationships require some licenses or freedoms allowing each partner to be themselves without fear of being disrespectful to the other.  You will find that partners who have superior communications in their relationship have also integrated a mutual understanding of the limitations such licenses must have.  In a monogamous relationship both partners may have freedom to hang out with their friends or family without the other partner being around giving them license to socialize with others.  This license may or may not include flirting, dating or having sexual relationships with other people while they are out.  It is important that socialization with others is encouraged and cultivated but it is even more important that guidelines are set so that both parties understand the boundaries involved.  

In an open relationship where both partners are free to explore their sexual fantasies with outside parties one might say they each have a “License” to play the field.  A license is a loophole, and exception, that permits each party to break the rules of a traditional arrangement but in fact within a well-balanced relationship where there is positive communication this license can actually function as a rule or limitation.  For example, some couples allow open pursuit of outside sexual partners but the forbid any strong emotional ties or repeat encounters with an outside party or the restrict the extramarital relationship under certain guidelines agreed upon by both primary partners.  With flirting, two partners may allow minimal looking and even comments about others but they are best prepared for anxiety when they have already discussed the limitations that such flirtations should be allowed.  Let me also note that when I say traditional relationship I do mean a traditional relationship by western standards and must make concession to nonwestern traditions that are far more ancient also far more extensive than western notions of monogamy.  Whatever the licenses and limitations are within a relationship they are of no value unless both parties agree on them and abide by them.  Here is an example of a license and it’s agreed upon limitations:

LICENSE #1:  FLIRTING (Example).  Flirting is allowed both parties because one party is especially flirtatious by nature and it would only be fair to allow him to explore his natural instincts but within certain agreed upon limitations that will not insult, hurt or disrespect his mate.
LIMITATION #1: FLIRTING (Example).  Flirting must not go beyond a casual look and a nod it may not be expressed as a verbal gesture unless it falls within certain agreed upon gentlemanly limitations.  Flirting may not include exchanging of numbers or establishing of separate relationships unless they are agreed upon by both parties.  The prescriptions permitting or denying flirting must be established through a mutual agreement and covenant between two parties through positive communication.

LICENSE #2:  SMOKING (Example).  One partner smokes a pipe and cigars and although the smell is objectionable to his partner they will allow him to smoke under specific guidelines in order that he should be able to enjoy his home.
LIMITATION #2:  SMOKING (Example).  Smoking will be permitted in one partner’s study/office only but in no other room of the house and only on the back patio.  The prescriptions permitting or denying smoking must be established through a mutual agreement and covenant between two parties through positive communication.


One of the most important chapters of any psychology book is the one that introduces the “Affective Domain” and explores ways we can use our simple empathic skills to communicate verbal and nonverbal information to those who we love and come into association with.  While these skills are handy in our general day to day socialization they are critical skills we must learn how to effectively and ethically utilize in relationships.  Sometimes the way to open a difficult door in interpersonal communication simply comes down to our ability to show sincere empathy to another human being.  Observation skills consisting of listening, watching, touching and questioning, combined with critical comprehension skills to put it all together are central to the successful communication of emotion and the development of nonverbal emotional covenants.   It is these nonverbal emotional covenants that give integrity and soul to a relationship.  No matter how you put it, integrity is credibility!  Managing credibility is very simple when you take time to let your partner know you have their best interest at heart by taking them into consideration every time you make a small or large decision that you already know will ultimately affect you both.  This should be done without even thinking, in a relationship everything should be done with consideration for the other party.

Some affective techniques that can aid communications are as simple as asking, “How are you feeling” or saying, “You look/seem troubled will you talk to me about what is on your mind”?  Other means of expressing emotional concern and love are taking a person’s hand, embracing them or cuddling with them, stroking their brow or back, etc.  When communications have degraded to the point of silence sometimes a nonverbal technique such as a gesture or touching can break the ice.  Nonverbal communications are often more powerful than formal verbalized ones because they say to the other party, “Darling I care”.

When we effectively communicate with our partner in any type of relationship we establish a rapport with them and if we are sincere then we begin to establish a real covenant that gives the relationship integrity; this means we can build trust based on established credibility.  The more mature our covenant becomes the easier we can access our partner in order to establish positive communications.  A covenant is not real unless it has integrity and is based on honesty and transparency; lying to your partner or failing to accurately communicate with them only creates a flawed communication of mutual agreement and understanding.  One must ask, if they do not intend to be honest why bother to undertake any kind of mutual agreement at all?  Mature men and gentlemen are always honest even to a fault because it legitimizes them as ethically grounded people. 

Just as a relationships goals and objectives evolve over time so does the relationship’s covenant.  We have already discussed how trust and integrity tend to exponentially grow, or deteriorate the longer people stay in a relationship.  In actuality trust and integrity are never constant they vary in extent in a manner that is directly proportional to the way the parties in that relationship evolve emotionally.  Throughout the lifetime of a relationship incidents occur that build and tear down trust and integrity.  Hopefully though, sufficient trust and integrity has been established to weather the bad periods; when all of the trust and integrity has been eroded away and trenches of deficiency are being dug the relationship has deteriorated to critically dangerous levels of imminent failure.  Relationships that are not instantaneous, that are not just one time flings should strive to continually revise their covenants.  A relationships covenant may be verbal or nonverbal as long as both parties agree.  A covenant established at the outset of a relationship is most likely outdated from anywhere between 6 months to a year into the relationship and must be revisited to include critical updates.  Couples should establish regular intervals to revisit their relationship’s covenant and make revisions where they agree they are necessary.  We should not be afraid to reopen that book because happiness is defined therein.  Nobody should ever agree to any conditions of any covenant unless they truly embrace them; no covenant should be ratified simply to keep a person in your life.  The purpose of a relationships covenant is to keep both parties satisfied and not to be one sided.  Outside of regular agreed upon intervals, a covenant may be revisited in a time of crisis and both parties must concede to do so in order to keep peace between them. 

Communication is paramount to your love life, such that without it you literally could not have one at all.  The best time to establish great communications is at the outset of any relationship but it can be established at any point if both parties are willing to put in the work.  Bad communications will take away the potential for beauty in any relationship and may ultimately kill it.  Whether there is any communications problem or not it is always important to have a mutual understanding of the relationship goals and objectives because relationships do change as we change.  The freedoms and rules of any relationship must be carefully and mutually mapped out and agreed upon.  Deviation from the plan requires both parties agreement not just one.  Ultimately the licenses and limitations imposed upon any relationship must also change over time.  Finally as social organisms people who find themselves involved with one another must somehow tap into the affective domain in order to communicate on an emotional level.  As a couple grows together they will discover that they build integrity and trust as a form of verbal or nonverbal covenant between them.  This covenant too must change with those who have agreed to it reflecting how they have changed.  Change is a great and powerful element but it is inevitable in the world in which we live and therefore it must be respected and planned for.  In truth humans need relationships, we need intimacy and in order to enjoy the social dynamic that encompasses most of our daily lives we must cultivate successful communications skills.  These skills are most important the more intimate the relationship becomes.  So to answer the question, “How important is communication in your love life”, I must say that is the most important element without which no love live can ever truly exist.



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