FINDING MEANING IN OTHERS AS A MATURE SINGLE MAN
Quite recently in my limited dating escapades I encountered two men who wanted to jump the broom after our first face to face encounter. It is my practise to take it slow, get to know who I am dealing with, make an educated judgment after a series of well-planned encounters, you know, the whole mature and responsible dating thing.
Pressed to the wall with wedding bells ringing in their ears it became clear these men were not used to anyone pushing back advising that more accountability assessed over a longer period of time than a couple of days was required in order to make such grand assumptions about compatibility.
But their reactions were even stranger to me and I immediately realized they were responding as if they had got a rejection notification. I got excuses like, "I am very busy" and "My life is not where I want it to be now and I have to spend my time getting it there". “BINGO!” I had cut through the façade and smokescreen to get at the real person and found it was only half-baked. But that was not really a very fulfilling revelation; I had met a countless number of kooks, posers and players in my day so my ability to instantaneously identify them as if I were classifying insect specimens for an entomology collection did little to titillate my faith in man. It seemed only to be a well-honed skill elucidating the self-fulfilling prophecy that meeting a suitable companion might elude my grasp altogether… I’d be a male spinster but a happy one…
The whole scenario totally freaked me out... but I remained focused and steadfast in my conviction to take it slow demanding that substantially more time be devoted to whatever it was I thought I was developing with a beau before agreeing to any terms or posturizing as if some magical love potion had taken effect. I was more apt to gravitate toward the instant the love potion wore off because in my opinion that is the moment of truth!
I worried that my carefully but aptly measured and brilliantly delivered scrutiny had been mistaken for rejection but now that the deed had been done I had to take a critical look at the nature of their responses. Both men had gone from picking out engagement rings to admitting they were far too stressed out and busy to devote any quality time to the cultivation of a mere association in less than a week and with only one face to face encounter. While I admired their honesty I also had to admire my skill at extracting it from the dense pile of gobbledygook they had presented as themselves. If not pressed I should not have got them to admit what neither of us knew at the time. So the essay in critical resistance had paid off if only to prevent me having to be the responsible party to bring proper closure to a hot fling gone cold.
I wondered what would have happened if I had gone along with the program. But I shut that aspect of the research down permanently and mentally placed that embracing tuxedoed male wedding cake ornament into the deep freeze! What I realized, (what I knew going into the game), was that my time was valuable too and by doing due diligence at the start I ensured that it would not be wasted or disrespected.
Yes we all have busy schedules and everyone living in the fast paced urban context of the 21st century who is not living on a farm churning butter or herding sheep across the range can relate to that. What is more we all have aspirations and are continually working to improve and reinvent ourselves in order to be marketable in the rapidly morphing 21st century economy. As a working man I cannot comprehend the leisurely life of the retired class who really does have time to sip tea and focus on the little things in life all day. I am driven and ambitious and yet I do have the ability to devote time, quality time, to the cultivation of an association without preconceiving but in hope that it may lead to more and I am a proponent of the theory that we make take for those things we most desire and value.
What most men fail to realize about Giovanni Giacomo Casanova who lived from 1725 to 1798 is that he was more than the chambermaids delight, he was a true gentleman. Casanova is the archetype for what men today call a “Player” but failing to properly research the true nature of the arts of courtly love by which this gentleman most certainly lived has produced generations of over-sexed buffoons rather than a truly polished man of the world. Now this is yet another example of how the lack of historical knowledge can result in the most absurd and unflattering permutations of human character. So I would be remiss if I did not entreat each of you to play with care especially the more mature of you gentlemen because the fallout of a failed relationship tends to be far more stressful in an older man who is apt to put more mental and spiritual energy into a relationship than a younger one who might get by with handsomeness and eroticism with minimal cerebral investment.
Unfortunately there are people who will pull you in to what appears to be interest in a relationship simply because they can and have nothing more important to do. Many times these men are themselves clueless about their unfocused, random recklessness and are in dire need of critical redirection. But in this fast paced world who has time to properly redirect them? If I had time I should open an academy for wayward and miseducated playboys, indeed it is a thought!
The purpose of this essay is to save some of you from yourselves which means saving you from these unscrupulous males, (not technically men), who are themselves lost and uncertain about life and will if allowed lead you down the same path. If you take anything away from this essay take this one bit of advice: “Take your time and demand that you be allowed to take your time before committing anything to anyone and if your love interest cannot accommodate you by spending quality time until you feel comfortable that something substantive has been built as a foundation for moving to the next level then push back immediately!”
This is more for mature men than younger ones. Mature men can sometimes feel as if they are bound to a rapidly ticking clock that will render them obsolete, lonely and undesirable when it chimes. Nothing could be more incorrect! A mature man is the cream of the crop, the polished and finessed centerpiece… he is the prize and he must be certain that he treats himself as such and demand that he be treated as such. Having gone through all the trials of life with the nimbus of success shining about him why in heaven and hell would any mature man lose his confidence and conviction to demand no less than excellence at this golden phase of his earthly existence? He is evidence of where the glint of youth will go, so youthfulness should not intimidate him as youth has not his wisdom. Do not be afraid to carefully scrutinize any man who approaches you because if he is what he says he is no harm will be revealed. Do not succumb to wanna-be playboys who have somehow managed to remember a couple of overused lines borrowed from a fake pimp or buffoon they admire, there is fortunately no substitute for a true gentleman skilled in the arts of courtly love. Last of all if someone does not have time for you or you for them call it what it is but save yourself the heartache of mistaking it for love…
Written By BIGDADDY BLUES