Saturday, May 21, 2016



Why in the world would a mature gentleman waste valuable time playing a young man’s dating, mating or social games? Well, I assure you the simple and correct answer is that he wouldn’t and the real, profoundly chivalrous  answer is that he shouldn’t. For those of us gentlemen who play straight and try to live in the real much of our twenty-first century social gripes reveal that dealing with other adults has  become something like an unholy cross between dodged-ball, Halloween  dress up and hide-and-go-seek which are indeed children’s games.  The wise mans conclusion is that maturity and game do not fit into the same sentence except as a commentary on immaturity. That is a mature man neither has nor cultivates game because  he has and cultivates a mature and sustainable lifestyle eliminating any need for game as a survival crutch.

If you are a mature man with an eventful and fulfilling life your personal time is far too valuable to waste trying to figure the other man’s game out beyond a purely tactical business interest. That indeed is a business game familiar to executives and entrepreneurs but inappropriate for love and relationship applications. Private time should not carry the same stresses as professional time because then our personal relationships begin to morph into a part or full time job.  Who needs two of those? And if you do have more than one job you’re not likely to have any time left for love… Game for games sake is a puerile  frivolity and a mature man’s folly.  By now most mature men have developed excellent interpersonal skills tempered by the wisdom of many years of human success and failure. Now is the time to bring those critical skills sets together so that old mistakes do not become new ones. If you’ve truly got your life together it’s really quite a serous thing and not at all a not a game!

It’s true, maturity means that many childish whims and notions must be shed, our infantile innocence lost but in exchange for a brilliant new consciousness rescuing us from the self-centered brat we once we’re. Who wouldn’t want to shed those ego-soiled diapers for the smart trousers of a confident, compassionate and responsible gentleman? Apparently and unfortunately quite a few males are unable to make the critical transition from boy to man because they are incapable of trading in boyish games for mannish style.

Maturity can be seen as a mannerism or stylization that represents a successfully  amalgamated collection of gentlemanly skills sets. A gentleman’s “style” exudes this coveted pheromone. A gentleman’s style is celebrated because it possess restraint and intelligence as subsets of a broader sense of humanitarianism. That is to say a gentleman chooses honesty and social directness as his communications tools eliminating any need for game.

I have discovered that all personality types can master the art of honesty and social directness. A man has to value the benefits of realness before he can beat the “game” game. Men who closely manage the game factor find that they quickly cut through unnecessary foolishness in order to determine if a person is a worthwhile association. They visualize the problem from  multiple parrallaxes so that assessments of compatibility are not just skewed in their favor. They can see when their own personality is incompatible based their weaknesses and not just the other man’s. Being directly honest takes some hootsvuh on the part of any man but the clarity it affords is more than worth the effort.
Even if you do not  have that “direct” kind of personality you can advocate for clarity in a relationship of any kind by politely suggesting an issue of importance should be discussed and by doing so you have everything to gain. Leaving social kinks in your path makes them more difficult to unravel after they are forgotten and build a hardened crust and it puts you at risk of pursuing pathways that have no promise.

After an uncertain date a friend decided they would allow their beau-in-question to get back to him in a few days rather than demand immediate feedback. He created this “allowance” as a fix for an issue he “thought” may have occurred. He allowed his insecurity to cause him to second-guess his tact erroneously blaming himself for anything that may have gone wrong, that is a common and almost always fatal mistake. I often caution my friends not to place too much pressure on getting everything perfect during the first 5 to 10 dates especially and ideally up to the 1st year or so. Take your time to watch, listen and grow together making certain there is at least a 50/50 input of enthusiasm and sincerity as impetus to move prudently and therefore happily forward. I cautioned him not to be apprehensive as he didn’t know for certain that his date had been offended because there was no offense evident and I assured him if his date had an issue they would certainly have communicated it if they were mature and serious.  He appeared to be the only one who had an issue and by allowing days to elapse before resolution he was adding unnecessary stress to his life. “Deal with it now”, I advised him, “bring this issue or nonissue to closure. You will probably discover the only issue is in your head and you could have used the negative energy bent on this non-issue on something productive… “besides”, I added, “giving a partner time to get over a gripe is a game and an effective technique used by couples who have many years together. They already know each other so well they can predict the others behavior and know their cooled own time. You are not there now, you have not put in the good work to be proficient at that game which isn’t a game any longer at that point in a mature relationship. It is a critical survival skill/tool”.  My reflection was that we often presume we are at a more advanced place than we are in most human relationships and we often need to just step back from our preconceptions to assess and better understand our real proximity to life-goals as well as  the validity of those goals.

Life as it is experienced through the critical human relationships that come to define it is not a children’s game it represent a most serious journey having the ability to bring great joy and fulfillment to those it touches. People who lack the maturity to accept and implement this truth sink backwards using immature games lacking wisdom and conscience to simulate a healthy, working social maturity. The games they play allow them to feel they are in charge of their destiny but this false confidence is bought at the expense of other people’s freedom and happiness. A gamer is a paranoid fool who visualizes the world as his adversary allowing him to play ugly, dispassionate games with the lives and hearts of others in order to beat nonexistent odds manufactured by their own pathological disillusionment. Living in the real is difficult because it constantly challenges us to adjust ourselves to accommodate the vicissitudes of an unpredictable world. People who play games hide in a crevice where they feel they can ignore the variability of human existence subsisting on aberrant, obsolete survival tools which they feel afford them the ability to resist soulful evolution and refinement. A gamer can be cured but my advice is to refer them to a clinical psychiatrist, do not attempt that dark road the world has far too many offerings free of that disease. Stick to the old-gold plan and find someone who is mature and real because in this brief but brilliant life there is so much really substantive good to be done we really have no time for games…


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